Tuesday, January 26, 2010
11:54 AM
Wah, gosh mans. I'm feeling super emo right now, maybe thanks to the "thing" I'm having right now.
I don't know why, but I LOVE seeing people get hurt and I HATE seeing people be so happy or if they are better than me in any way.
It sucks la, it's one of things I really despise about myself. I cannot tahan seeing someone being better than me and I'll try (like shit) to either bring that person down or learn from that person and be even better then him/her.
I feel so fked up when people say their results are so good and they're so happy, I feel like stuffing a rotten tomato in their mouths. I know it's none of my business, and I know I'm being seriously mean, but I can't help thinking how annoying and irritating those people are. I don't feel angry when someone with like an R5 of 7 says that to me because that person deserved to feel good. But there are those people who get worse than me and still boasts about how good their results are. It's ridiculous in my eyes and I really can't take it.
I feel like saying "Your score so bad still say good, fk off la!" It gets on my fking nerves when these people, like maybe an R4 of 20, will go "Wah heng I got good results. It must really be the hard work that I've put in." What the #!@$%*%$%^#! I have no idea why, but I get so furious when I hear about these people. It's like I'm better than them in studies, but they're much more happier and living a better, happier life than me. Why is such thing happening?!! Isn't it me, someone who has better results, supposed to be happier? Why the fk is someone getting worse results happy?!
And the biggest problem is, I don't know why the hell I feel this way. I just HAVE to be better than people, I just HAVE to be smarter than people, and I just NEED to be more successful than they are, in more ways you can imagine. Even in things like taking control of the laptops and computer in my house. I just HAVE to make sure I have control over everything and no one overthrows me, or I will settle it physically.
I have absolutely no idea why. It's just an urge and I cannot erase it. I may shut up if I'm mad about these people, but I won't ever stop thinking about how I wish that person could eat shit (literally) and the like. It's seriously one of the things I just hate about myself.... But I've gotta say if it weren't for this urge, I wouldn't have been so convinced in trying to beat everybody else (like how I always wanted to beat WL in everything that I have a chance of, even if means staying up the whole night just to revise for this one sub-subject that I'm already good at).
I'm trying to find out why, and trust me I've been going to hundreds of wiki pages a day.
