Monday, September 8, 2008
8:18 PM
back to blogging. i feel like banning something in this blog. Whether this stupid blogskin, thie tagboard, the song, or the blog itself. I wanna let it all go, UGH I CAN'T! Dammit, I feel like just grabbing a guy to have a gd sex with xD haha mind you, it's only a joke. No doubt I'm hentai abt this subject, but I'm curious xD I think someone was right, I AM good at making good sex xD LOL, right! I'm still a virgin, NO DOUBT! But when I think about it, if I really let you see the true side of me, then embrace yourself as BOKU-SAMA is a bad girl! xD haha.
Gd mah, can give my hubbie gd sex! If I get high, I'll bite you and make that eery sound and let you linger everywhere as my breast drag against your skin. aww baby that's hotttt! xD ok this sounds R21! Ahhhh, I can't read whatever I'm writing!
Whenever I space out, I start to rmb my NaiNai again. I try to stop, yet she stays vivid in my mind. I'm so scared. When I visit her, I don't wanna see her for the very reason I don't wanna see her suffering, coz I'll be suffering too, like now. I need her here, she can't just go.
oh well, EOY IS COMING UP PPL! I DON'T CARE IF THE HOT AIR BALLOON FELL OFF THE SKY AND HIT THE EIFFEL TOWER, I'M GONNA STUDY! Officially studying tommorow, sept 8 to Oct 7th ppl! Cheer me on! Not gonna blog anymore!! yeah, okay. Since it's my post before I go on a mth hiatus, let's put up a Kame picture! Yeah! And Je boys? yosh!After researching on Kame's pictures, now I know why I love Kame. Coz he has that sweet boy look. The type of guy who's so innocent and sweet, he'd protect you from any harm and love you just as much as he love himself <3 style="text-align: center;">
Sweet, innocent Kame!! Smiling like that, he's like telling me it's okay, coz I'm here. Aww!!
"It's okay. You know it's gonna be okay, just stay by me."
Hot Kame wanting more fun in bed! haha xD
"Leaving so early? I need more."
Argh your pitiful eyes, Kame! Your eyes are perfection!
"Don't worry me like that. I'm worthless without you."
Aww, waiting for me to get home. So cute of you, anata! xDDD
"*sleeps as he waits for me to get home*"
"Do you still love me? I can't live like this, when you don't tell me how you feel towards me."
"*sees me crying* I'm sorry, I made you cry. Sorry. It's all I can say. I'm sorry."
Those lovable eyes, Kame!! *hugs and fluffs hair everywhere* "I knew you'd be here. There's never a second I don't wanna be with you."
Randomness? xD
Aw, the true smile! Domoto, the true smiler! It doesn't look like Domoto though. =O
"With you, I can smile like this till death do us part."
Worried? Or jealous? Huh, Yoshi-yoshi!
"Where did you go? I thought you were coming back so much earlier. I wanted to have more time with you."
An emo pic! His eyes tell me he's tired. Rest, yoshi-yoshi!!
"I miss my girl." xD too simple.
"You know I'm still waiting for your answer. There's no one for me to wait but you."
"I can't do this anymore. Stop this unfaithfulness."
Doushiyo!!! I'm scared I'll have no motivation to study T.T help me. Arrggghh, okay my last post before the 1mth hiatus have finished. Officially on hiatus? Lol. Jya neh! ohya, Siyi gomen, will reply to you soon ok! Gomen, osoi dakara >0<
----------------
Now playing: Christina Aguilera - I Turn To You
via FoxyTunes
Sunday, September 7, 2008
9:38 PM
In emo mode again? I don't know what's wrong with me, but yeah I'm emo-ing. Right now, I'm remembering everything all over again, Like moving pictures in my head For years and years they’ve played. In the end of it all, I'm crying. Not moving on and not gonna budge. Fuck them all. But above it all, fuck me.
I remembered how everyone has their own dark secrets. I have mine too, but they're so dark they suck light out from everything. Coz thanks to these dark secrets, when I see horrible ppl, I'll tell myself I'm just worse. When I make them cry, I'm just shouting back at myself "Why can't you start realising who you truly are? You're a monster, just admit it!" I try to get tt voice off me, but it's been haunting me for so long. As time goes by, it got louder and louder. Now it controls me. I can't control myself anymore when it's screaming. I'd do anything to get it to stop. ANYTHING.
I've done everything, except one. I've tried but never succeeded. I was happy I didn't succeed, but here I am wanting to do it again. I was almost killed today, but thanks to God, The Most Merciful, I was barely saved. Yet I'm not appreciating what God's giving me. I'm not appreciating the big miracle He has given me. I think you know what I mean, suicide.
Yes I haven't been admitting it but now I will coz I don't care what you think of me. What I did was real, that is me. You wanna know who I really am? Well, that's 100% pure me. I ATTEMPTED SUICIDE, okay. Everyone now fucking knows. I don't wanna die, I don't. Yet I feel so bad I feel like killing myself.
One time my emotions took me over and I tried, but I was lucky it didn't happen. I did so many bad things, I don't wanna remember them. These memories build up into a cage, keeping me inside. I try to destroy it, yet I can't. Then I tried to imagine there was no cage, there is no suffering. Bury it all. Now I'm going to explode, I start to see the cage again. I don't want to. God help me. I want to be all You want me to be, but look at me. I hurt ppl to the core, I tried to kill myself, I cut myself. Yet I still believe in You. I believe in the Most Merciful. From all that insanity, Your teachings stayed intact. You have helped me quit cutting, thank You. Now I need You once more. Help, me.
___________________________________________________________________
Tell me what to do. I want to cry, yet when I really cry something inside blocks me. I want to snap it all off, yet when I give a pinch of my anger a big impact exploded. I wanted to just throw off a bit off my frustration, the next thing happened, a chip of wood fell off the arc of the door and the doorknob fell off. Nice me. Now I'm afraid to even let a bit go.
殺人者です。怪物です。誰か助けて。誰か助けて!!! 少しでも、いいんです。僕は爆発するつもりです。もういやだよ。誰かが僕を止めてください。止めてよ！！もう いやだ。
Saturday, September 6, 2008
10:40 PM
doumo? haha haven't been blogging for so long sia xD anw, been listening to a lot of emo songs lately, by the all-time favourite
I'm like addicted to Easier To Run, coz I can really feel like how they sang it. Yeah, damn emo though. lol.
oh yeah, sch is coming back! Time to study ppl! I don’t have the motivation to study sia, that fact shocked me =O becoz like, I keep having motivation for so many years without knowing where they come from, but now it’s gone. NOW I know what ppl mean when they say, “Fail, fail lor” xD haha. I don’t wanna care if I fail. At least if I fail, ppl will not think so much of me. And I won’t feel I’m underestimated =/
Have I told you guys before? My baa-chan is sick T.T My NaiNai can’t eat anything and can hardly move but she’s still doing her daily chores, WHICH IS A LOT! She wakes up like at 4, showers, cooks for my YeYe, cooks for Fatariz (my cousin who’s under her care), handle Fatariz’s pettiness (it runs in our family xD). Pretty much she does almost everything la. She cooks, she washes the dishes, she does the laundry, she cleans the house, she takes care of Fatariz all the way, and all. I’m damn worried la coz she’s so damn sick now X.X when I see her sick, I was like, there’s nothing I can really do to ease all that pain.
I’m scared. I’m very scared. What if something were to happen to my Grandma? I don’t wanna think about it, but when I do I’ll really get teary. She takes care of me since I was born, I don’t wanna her to go. I want her to stay until I marry and have kids. I don’t want her to leave me, she’s the only one who seriously understands me. She’s the only one who knows my true self, even I keep some of my true self from my mom and dad. I don’t want her to go. God, don’t take her away. I need her, please. If she were ever to return to You, I’m afraid I can’t handle it. So please.
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)
[Chorus]
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)
Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
It's so much simpler than change
[Chorus]
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone
It's easier to run
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made)
It's easier to go
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
2:22 PM
A friend.
| 1. | a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard. |
| 2. | a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter |
本当の仲間誰ですか？僕に信じる誰かな?僕友達が有るかな？僕はひどいの人ですから、友達がないですね。人は生きたい、でもそれだけで。友達のためにじゃない。自分のためだ。本当の友達は人たちはもう入らない今は。
don't try to read it xD It's complexed and deep =/ ahh shit got no time again, will post next time (again xD)
Monday, September 1, 2008
5:56 AM
woohoo it's the fasting mth already! wahahahhahahhahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhaha, wait... i'm in no mood to post xD ahhhhh fish, * the real post with no craziness will be posted later*
