Saturday, June 30, 2007
3:41 PM
hehe gd news for some ppl
Ok decided this is a blog, not a poem place thingy. So I WON'T post any more poems here. Instead I will post it on storywrite.com and will include links here. so do check it out and no poems for anyone who doesn't wanna read 'em. not putting the links today. zzz Someday LOL...
School was ok. Tmr Milk run. Wear Class Tee? Cuz we will be given the Milk run shirt wen running. So dunno lar, I just wear Class Tee wear PE shirt quite sian. Today boring. Nothing to do at home, alone again. ZzZzZzZzZzZz Ytd had the rehearsal for Honest Day. AHHHHH my E1 picture, I look sucky! zzz haizz nvm, only for awhile. Haha eh don't ps me ok?LOL I scared leh, stage fright de. I have a serious stage fright lol. Then going to get in trouble coz nvr do the art thingy. haha zz alwaes get in trouble for Art, cuz everyone malas lar. So nothing nothing. Played Audi a bit, then stop. Installing trickster. finally able to install, thanks to Dini =D ok wanna play bye!
Labels: muahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha post xD
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
9:37 PM
Dedicated to Fuzzy
Mei, this is dedicated to you. Just made this half an hour ago. SORRY PPL ANOTHER STUPID GODAMN POEM BUT IT'S FOR MY MEI. she is really depressed I can tell. It's hard for her to even breath. Anw I posted today's post! Don't like poems?Don't read this poem,read the post below. Not so emo, I hope LOL. Mei this isn't for you to mourn on. I'm here to tell you I know how it feels like and you can survive from this feeling. You can get out of that shell and become a butterfly again, but you gotta try and break tt shell. It's alright you need time, mei don't be so sad. Don't make him win this break. Be strong, show to him he can't break you apart that easily.
~Specially made and speacially dedicated to mei or Fuzzy~
Goodbye was hard to hear when you wanted him to stay,
Please stay Why do you have to go away?
From all the darkness I need you my sun,
Please come back I need you back I can't have fun,
I was sufferring and dying till the day you came,
Brighten me up made me smile n laugh,
Even every joke you make sounds lame,
Not a single one I won't even laugh.
You brought me happiness that I have never ever seen,
That feeling just fills me up felt tt I have someone to lean,
Smiling was never easy but it became to be a habit,
How you made me do things I hate and made me love it.
You are truly an angel that was sent from God,
So why my angel do you have to go abroad?
I'll miss you and cry won't you ever know?
That every day tt love for you will just grow and grow.
Cuz baby you make me feel right for once in my life,
Made me feel real I won't even have to be reminded of the penknife.
But now you've gone why did you leave?
Left me alone for me to plead.
For you to come back Don't do this to me,
Your hurting my heart I'm dying Can't you see?
The death and misery I feel in my heart,
Baby please can we make another start?
Where you and I will know each other more.
We won't have to rush things out just let things soar.
But that's a dream isn't it You're never coming back,
It'll never be like that Just a dream full of crap.
For once in my life I felt I wanna live,
But that feeling died out now I wanted to leave,
Where I won't have to think of tomorrow when it is still today,
And I'll look down for you from above just will miss you and pray,
That you find your girl that you wanted I know I'm not her,
Hope that she'll never cry never drop a single tear,
I'll pray that she's perfect I'll pray she's a miracle,
Like what you are to me but you left It felt horrible,
But it's what you wanted I'll just smile and move on,
Cuz it's your fulfilling wish and it's my command.
so mei please smile and move on. Baby he's not the only guy in the world, and there are gazillions of guys tt can be better. Gotta know when to let go and move on, right? I warned ya, gotta know the rule. When you make a relationship, you have to let go and move on when it's the right time.
Labels: The sun will never shine on me like it did yesterday
3:34 PM
emotionless
Afternooooooon ppl. Today was, fun?haha morning SUCKS! Got some ITAI(painful) lecture by my mum, and sad ler. What do you do when both your parents say "every one of your siblings give me no problem, only you. The problematic one. Why can't you be like them? Give me damn so much problems"? both of my parents. My dad told me last yr I think ytd my mom. The same thing, I thought it was a lie. Guess it's so true now. Ok admitted it, I am the problematic one in the family. FYI, I'm the most unproblematic in my Mom's family =.=" but the most problematic in my family. Haixx, had to get my head stitched when I was abt 4/5, got severe sore eyes MC 2 wks had to go to hospital when I was 12, had cancer when I'm 11. The biggest problem, I have to go to check-up every yr now. Stupid lar, have to X-Ray always. And they'll implant teeth on my right part of my mouth. When I was 11, I thought they will put teeth seed and plant it and the teeth will grow haha what imagination. But implanting will take place abt 2 yrs later I think. Feel like crying, know that your parents are saying they don't want you and wished they had another person. Haixx, moving on~!
Went to school, almost late hehes. then tie thingy lol. Mr. Wong was talking a BIT too much became boring lols, but the movie is supposed to be interesting haha. T_T I wanna watch the whole thing, lolx. Nvm de, then go class. English, was totally SO SO SO boring, the boringest period for the whole day. Then Geog, okok. Recess, funny met Madeline FINALLY! haha then got science, finished sci workbk b4 everybody else =.=" nvm lar, then history. Everybody expected 3 periods of history cuz Ms. Ho most of the time use CME as history. Then she didn't, but get to go Lab 1 weee pity Esther kana scold all the time. She been keeping quiet, suddenly being like the old her. Then kana scold by Ms. Ho, pity her lar. Tsk tsk tsk... She is the vice-chairperson after all, doing a gd job btw heehee. After that, then go home.
We were at the shop near the bus stop, I see at the fridge. Have Anything, but don't have Whatever. I WANT WHATEVER! lol I acted siao then shout and scold the fridge haha. Then saw another fridge, have Whatever =.=" SIAN! Scold the fridge but got Whatever in another fridge lol. Go home den. Eat eat, play com lol.
Then got info that mei broke up wif her dar? Duno... Dam sry mei, maybe he isn't the right one. Instead of leaving one and getting one, you lost both. Haixx, nvm there are thousands of ppl waiting for u so u can just find one yer...
don't want do Art lar, very malas(lazy) de hehe Now listening to Bayside-Winter, heard a phrase " It makes you think about the life you've led,the shit you've done, the things you've said.And it's grounding, grounding." Yea thought abt the things I said and it's damn grounding, life isn't what you always think it is, and love is something you have to gain. First, I thought about those boys who disappoint me. I thought I should've seduced them and manipulate them, think of it as a game. But then, I realise I'm wrong. I did the right thing cuz " You'll regret it all Living behind your wall And you'll never fall in love If you don't fall at all" I'm glad I'm truthful cuz I did what I had to do. That matters. okies tts all I guess. so boring de post...zzz
Mom and Dad disappointed faces I can see,
Can someone let me see the light please someone let me free,
Cuz I need to escape I need to flee,
From the prison I'm living in it's misery.
Labels: Never trust a man with difficulties
Tuesday, June 26, 2007
8:47 PM
^^
To PB: yea I kno u'd say tt. I know someone will reply. At least I hoped ^^ I don't need to know I suck, just need to know why and how to not suck lol.
Second day of school, normal unlike ytd. ZZzZzZzZ After school, went to Siyi's house. Had lots of fun there, well if u don't know I'm scared of cats, dogs, hamsters and pretty much pets. But I don't mind rabbits, ants, bees XD and butterflies LOL but becuz of "human force", I stepped up to it and let a CUTE hamster on my hand. Hey it took alot of courage you know,hee, for me at least. It was rlly cool, then we did history. okok then went home. Thought about a lot of things, a lot of reminiscing. Siyi's been complaining abt me writing poems way too much ><" yes i know sry I'm not anm hehe. Wanting to try trickster, duno how is it yet. Today pretty depressing becuz EVERYBODY is and it's affecting me...haixx, if only people were perfect,then I'd be perfect too. If only life would have more peace, I'd be peaceful as well.
If I think myself as a bad person and a horrible girl, does that make me better? Can I really change myself and get a better life? Will the tears I sacrificed bring me anything back in return? Is it right for me to have a bit of self-respect? Does anything benefit when I tell myself I suck?
Truth is I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY don't know what you guys want. What do you want??????? Anonymous/anonymous told me to have a bit of self-respect, and I agree. Got a bit of it, but since it haven't developed it got destroyed easily by someone saying "you suck" yea it's not a big deal I don't cry abt it or get depressed over it(i'm depressed over something else XD) just that I'll hate myself more =X but it's ok, you don't need self-respect to survive and I can always build it up once I recovered =)
Shoving off the pain couldn't handle the suffer,
Cry and cry tears couldn't cover,
The sorrow and disappointment I alwaes feel,
When someone despies me and made me seal,
From the world just can't get out now,
For I'm cold and numb from the misery just can't now.
Labels: someone is always worse off than you
Monday, June 25, 2007
8:46 PM
1st day of school
First day of school finally OVER~! haha ok I didn't come to school with my cekak cuz I don't wanna hurt some ppl's feelings =X heehee but Dini's forcing me so, ok tmr tmr! First thing, I forgot it takes me 45 minutes to go to school!!! I have to be in school by 8.30am, and I woke up at 7.15. Totally forgot tt I'm LATE so nice nice shower then finish at 7.45. Suddenly rmbed it takes me 45 mins, rush out LOL and fortunately able to catch up with the bus. At the interchange, there were SO MANY dunearnyts my eyes went O.O then 188 came. Then at Danielle's bus stop, saw her she can't get in the bus lolx. So I offered to wait for her at the alighting bus stop later. so ok, wait wait found out I'm the only person wearing uniform left in the bus stop hahax, nvms wait then Danielle come. Went to school tgt then luckily not late. A bit later and say hi to pink form. ZZZ then go classrm, normal thingies. AWESOME NEW WHITEBOARD!I hereby like to salute Mr. Wong, the Principal for FINALLY changing the horrible bad whiteboard that is making 90+% of little Singaporeans suffer Myopia. BAAD whiteboard! Oh wells not anymore. Actually we also got Myopia coz of the TV XD anw, got Maths lesson with Mr. Poh. Blurr like de very wad sian, I rlly duno wad he talking abt lolx then go malay. Mr. Supandi talking abt Malay Lit. I wanna take but scared I can't cope so didn't. Wanted to take coz I like poetry and my hist n geog FAIL! hahas but my malay suck, so very scared de. Then recess, lol met all my frenz I miss. Art nth much cleaned art rm for Ms. Rauzanah, Values Ed read article then PW had fun acting siao and playing with the Apple Laptop. hahas very lagy but very cool. Then waste time waste waste said hi to Danielle then go home! lolx when going up the bus Madeline called and "scolded" me for not waiting for her =.=" sry Madeline, I'll rmb tmr horrs ^_^" first day ar, lol. Then Dini followed me home. Messed up my bed XD then she went home, I took dinner and shower. Now I'm here. OK super dam boring.
School has it own ups and downs. There are people not wanting you there, and the feeling sucked when you found out about it. Maybe everybody DOES hate me, and maybe everybody DOES act very nice but rlly think I suck. But life still goes on, even if it's true there's nothing I can do abt it, unless changing myself and I'm trying >_<" Let me see, I'm arrogant, I act alot, a pessimist, have some attitude. Anymore? Tell me okaes =D thankees I'm trying not to be a pessimist but it's gd to be a pessimist cuz when u think it's all bad, then it happens to be not bad u feel gd lol. Found out tt "they" gossip about me alot. Say stuff abt me, bad stuff. Honestly, I don't know tt u ppl r gossiping LOL bt now I do. Tell you what, gossip all you want =) I'm all yours. Say all you want, ur free man. In the end, you're the one saying bad stuff and I'm the one smiling cuz I didn't do anything wrong ^^ and a gd step to be a nice person. haha. Yea optimistic thinking =) I shall smile because I wanna live my life being nice, and I'm eating wadeva bullet ppl gif me XD if I die, go my funeral!!!lol. jkjk hehs.
Hope you all enjoy Term 3 cuz it's going to be a lightning term whooosh! and it'll be gone wif no exams weeeeeeeeeeeeee haha. Hf going to sch XD
When the world seems never-ending,
And your all tt you've got,
Remember that you are alwaes a blessing,
But your parents might have forgot =)
Labels: first day of school
Sunday, June 24, 2007
4:56 PM
Complicated life..
Been rlly restless nowadays, hws are not such a problem as I thought. I'm alone at home now, have to eat this dish I hate the most. I rlly hate it, thanks to my tumour cancer. LOL My mom cooked fish curry T_T BLUEK!!**stucks tongue out** ugh it's so hot and I'm so bored. Holidaes are over tmr sobs, but at least term 3 only 6wks so short. Whee need to buck up, quitting audition. But beware, my "quitting" can re-start to play lol. I have to clean the house and iron my clothes T_T as well as my siblings' my parents will be home at least 8pm so I can take it easy and chill. Cried a bit,haha duno ler becuz I'm confused and stuck and duno wad to do. Things just happen, you don't know how. you wanna stop it, but just can't. You wanna foget it but it sticks in your head. So I rlly am stuck, but I guess it will go away, soon enough. I hope. Haixx don't rlly feel like writing a post but don't wanna let my blog die, right?hehe peacezz
Living in the shadows I don't know where to go,
Just living in this darkness just can't see the flow,
Where is my sun that has been shining through,
Has it left because I'm blind and I do need you.
12:21 AM
improving my poet skills
Guess what? I'm trying to rhyme my poems now. It still sucks but I'm trying my best, anw made some poems. 4 lines...
When the world looks down on me,
I looked up and thought i was little,
I know so few I could be free,
From the war that is yet so simple.
Crying every night I can't seem to stop,
From this misery I'm stuck I'm locked,
I wait for the arrival of my saviour,
When only I could act as such courier.
2 poems enough lolx. Now this is a poem I wrote about my past, wrote it abt a few days ago. Read it, I kept reading it and I cry. TRUE STORY PPL....
As the world crashes on me,
I watched it burn and corrode,
Destroy and sadness was all I could see,
The world I thought existed sorrowed,
Now I'm left with regret and grief,
Cuz all I wanted was happiness and peace,
But no one could get what they want and wish,
Why does this world has to be so cold?
And typhoons and ruins was all that left,
As all the memories start to bind and unfold,
I started to cry and tears couldn't fill,
The emptiness I felt after all that had happened,
Just wished somebody was there before it cracked and openned
Screams and tears were seen everywhere,
Hatred and sadness filled their hearts,
As she smiled and left them and hardly could bear,
How cruel she could get It was easy to start,
But to stop is a difficulty she couldn't fair,
She had no choice but to keep on going,
As everyone around her feared and crying,
Of her heartless doings that killed many,
She didn't realise the cause she had done,
Didn't care to think and just wanted to have fun,
Their lives changed and she turned it to hell,
Where they suffer and couldn't rebel,
To the fearful cuts that pushed them down,
Their self esteem was near to zero,
Her eyes gleamed and felt like a hero,
When all she did was kill them all,
Made their life worse let them crash and fall,
Her inhuman doings were cruel and injustice,
For she know but couldn't hesistate and follow,
Didn't know how to stop and kept going on,
Until she shook her head the light has shone,
She wanted to change and didn't care what'll happen,
She has done too much and couldn't manage to carry on,
Wished she didn't even start now she's stuck and everything's wrong,
Couldn't do much now but repent and forget,
How could she forget the past that ruins,
The people she cared about and all that she has,
The path of time was horrible to look,
How could she be so vain and inhuman she wanted to puke,
So much she wish she could kill herself but she knew she couldn't,
She knew that day on she was nothing but a burden,
To her family and friends and all that she know,
Would want her dead and it'll kills her inside,
She tried to forget she tried to fight,
The pain that buries her but she can't seem to decide,
Which pain is worse whether to forget or end,
Her heart is now cold and hard to mend,
Didn't wanna end it she didn't wanna face,
The reality that hurts her and she just can't resist,
But lie to herself and keep her in,
So that she will never have to live like that and remember her sin
I know it wasn't right,
And I know it was totally wrong,
But I couldn't get a chance to fight,
The story was way too long,
I wanted to stop I wanted to help,
The people I've hurt but it's now too late,
All that I created was tears and hate,
I say now I'm sorry I can't turn those hands,
If I could I would make myself right,
And put everything back to the way it was,
It's too late now I'm all done for,
Everything I've done is done and there's no more,
I've stop and learnt there was more to life,
Instead of hurting myself and using that knife...
There are more poems I wrote but next time i guess. Cry and grief is all you felt, As you felt the emptiness you wanted to mend, The hurt that kills you you wanted to send, All the pain away it is making you stay, Please pain go far far away! haha bye byez....
Labels: poems argh
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
9:49 PM
bored of posting??haha
I haven't post in a while have I?hehe haixx, no matter what I say, ppl nvr get satisfied of whatever I say, even after I might agree with their point. Sometimes I was so mad abt it I wanna curse ppl, but I didn't lolx coz honest ppl are nice ppl (= There was 1 time I felt so mad for no reason, feel like bashing ppl up, haha. But I can't bash ppl up becuz I'm not strong XD and well, beating ppl is baad!! hehes I have ppl telling me "Call me wen u nid help" heehee but they are my older cuzzies. anws, I duno y I was so angry. I was, not anymore. Felt like something so horrible happened and I wanna fking shrug off the pain, lol. ARGH until I told myself "If you become bad and mean, then you're no different than those mean ppl" and mean ppl are like me, and I was a horrible person so I'm trying to change, alot and I can tell my transformation isn't working so good lol. Hmm I'm a rlly horrible person, especially to my siblings. I was cruel to them. Erm in other words, inhuman. I was that mean, I rlly treated them awfully. Bullied them like how I was bullied. That was no way to treat them. I realised, and I regretted. I regretted a lot and desire to change. But will they ever forgive me? Will they ever think of me and respect me? Haixx...
More things in primary school. zzzz don't wanna say, my past haunts me every night, and I cryevery night, knowing I can't change any bit of it. I can't undo time and I can't do anything but regret. That feeling of regret sometimes takes over me...zzzz anw I wanna write poem, but no words get fixed in my head. When I finish writing a poem, I feel a sense of freedom as if I've let go all that I need to, and it feels great. But now, I somehow have no inspiration of a poem zzz. Argh let's "hentam" write a poem lol. I rlly wana write one. I know this sucks, but I need to do it or.... dunno XD let's hentam a poem...
Tears cover my deepened scars,
I have nowhere to run,
And nowhere to hide,
I'm exposed and I couldn't help but expose more.
Cuz the feeling of running and hiding for so long,
It was a need to stop,
I was dying,
Inside I'm crying so hard,
There wasn't a tear left.
I feel so enclosed,
From everyone around me.
Why can't I feel them for once?
Instead of coldness and hatred.
Where was this feeling of belonging and warmth?
I only feel coldness and loneliness.
I can cry all I want,
And regret all I want,
But I can never change what has passed.
It kills me when I reminisce,
And think how I could be so blind,
Yet at that time I felt so great.
Is this what I get for whatever I've done?
Or is it just in my head?
Because no one can answer these questions, but myself.
And I don't know.
I fking don't know what to do anymore.
What can I do to make it all right?
What can I do break this barrier from me and everyone else?
I thought if I change,
And not be the old me anymore,
Everything will be alright,
But it was a stupid mistake.
Nothing could fix itself,
Unless I end it.
I have to give it an ending,
Before I can say goodbye.
But I'm too scared!
I'm way too scared,
Of ending it.
How could I be so bold to start it,
And now can't end it?
I need to get this out of my chest,
But I've said goodbye,
Before ending it.
It was a stupid dumb mistake,
But now that's all I can think of it as,
Because that's all it'll ever be...
ARGH Y DO I SUCK IN WRITING POEMS TT BAD?! zzz nvm.... wana put pics in this post. emo pics lar, lol.
There are more emo ones but thes are new ones, and I think it's nice. zzzz if ur not emo, then u'll never understand XD
P.S. who's PB?? haha i dun think anyone will answer anw XD juz asking for fun
Labels: hmm....too lazy and bored
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
4:40 PM
They're disappointed at me....again
0k this is what happened, my mom asked if I could drop by my Grandmother's house and I didn't wanna go. I told her she should go and I'll take care of the little kiddies. So she went with my little sister, and I'm stuck with Azami(two), Shafiq(six) and Haziq(nine). I let Shafiq use the lappy and Haziq use the com. Azami's sleeping. I was tired, I have no idea why. So before I sleep I told Shafiq "If you need anything wake me up ok?" And he said ok. Then my mom called and asked to bring in the laundry if the weather is bad, I told Haziq to wake me up if it's going to rain. Then I slept. I was tired, but maybe that was no excuse. When I woke up, I heard my mom talking to my dad on the phone....
"There was alot of people there. Haizz, Nurul just slept when I told her to take care of them. She said she'd really take care of them. Like what lyddat. When I went home, Azami's diaper was already full. I was so pissed"
I cried. I didn't know why, maybe it's true. I did tell my mom I'll take great care of them. And she was greatly disappointed at me, I was disappointed at myself too. Tears just ran down. Then I wanted to blog it becase if I don't I might do something stupid. Haixx, I wanted them not to be disappointed at me, and I slept. I really wanted to punish myself. Coz my mom wouldn't. She knows I'll punish myself for my own wrong doings, but she doesn't know I used to cut. And now I want to punish myself, I really wanted to. I want to make myself bleed and cry and let myself feel the pain to cover all the disappointment I'm feeling from myself and those around me. You might think this was a bit too much just because I slept, but it is a huge deal for my mom and it is a huge deal to me. Now I don't know what to do. What should I really do to myself? Haixx, I wana bruise myself. I wanna make myself feel so bad about it, it hurts, inside and out. You know when you hate yourself so much you wish you'd suffer so badly and didn't wanna live anymore.
It's like hating someone else, you hate that person so much you wish she/he would suffer so badly and fell on her/his knees. It was that kind of feeling, but to your own self. I feel like slapping, kicking and punching myself. All the anger and sadness is just locked in me, yet I don't feel anything when I asked myself what I am feeling. I don't know what to think anymore, I don't know what to do anymore. Am I destroying myself this way? Do I deserve to be destroyed by myself? God I'm being too emo again....
My bills are horrible, I just know it. My mom knock on my room door. I openned it....
mom: Do you know how much your bills cost this mth?
me:No I don't and I don't wanna know (slams the door shut)
mom: How dare you!
That's it...But I know it was rlly rlly horrible. I didn't even need to be told. So I ground myself. 1 long call per day and 10 smses. Anything more, I'll just get it, somehow. It sounds stupid grounding yourself, but I only follow and accept the punishment made by me, and no one else. I'm a hard head, I don't wanna listen to anybody, and I control my own life. I found that out when I was nine. I told myself "ok you're responsible for EVERYTHING you do. You'll do what it takes so you'll be punished for what you've done. Your parents and everybody else have nothing to do with this. You're responsible for yourself, you'll take all the pride when done something right, but take all the shame when done something wrong" Because I told my mom when I was nine "It's my life. It's not yours. It's never your right to rule my life because my life is made up of my own rules" My mom was shocked to hear by a cute nine year old, I accepted that and I know there are consequences I had to bear. That was how I started to turn a deaf ear on my parents and learnt to punish myself. Haixx, am I supposed to live this way?
Labels: not an answer, so many questions
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
1:14 PM
huh? don't read if u don't wanna
Dunno I keep wanting to write poems, but ytd one rlly suck.I guess becuz I was sleepy. I'm making an amv, a rlly hard one. Haf to jyjy coz it's damn hard. Haixx, since my mom sick, I have to do alot of things, but I think they're taking it for granted. When my grandparents, and my uncle Jalil's family came was quite fun. My cuzzie told me som stuff about Parkours and he's one of them, I zzzzz coz he bodybuilder, now parkour oso lolx. Anws, they r complaining abt how "lazy" I am. I wanna smash their heads. Nono I wanna smash my own head lyk a smashed watermelon. I did more work since my mom sick, 0k I admit I have zero initiative. I know that, clearly. I just need someone to tell me, and I'll do it. I don't need to communicate with you, I don't need to talk to you. Just order me and I'll do it. That's my concept, easy lar but I won't do anything by my own thinking. As the phrase goes, your brains gets smart but your head gets dumb. I don't like it, I did what they say. No complains at all, and they start saying how lazy I was. They know my concept, and kept telling that to me. Why not say I brainless? I know lar I canot think, wtf just tell me canot ar. It's good that I don't have a brain coz I won't complain lorr. Haixx but I DO have a brain, just that like other humans I use only 10% of it(haha rlly ppl only use 10% of the brain, XD) Now they taking it way for granted. I hate it! I'm now not listening to wadeva my mom says. Coz I hope she'll appreciate the robot-me who doesn't say anything but do wadeva it was ordered to. I don't talk to my mom, not really. And I almost NEVER say anything to my dad, might think it's nice to do everything your own way. Well, it's not. It's a lonely life where you think nobody cares. It's not their fault, it's me to blame coz I was the one cutting off the communication. Sometimes they scold me for the littlest things so they could hear me say something. That's what I think.
Wen I wake up in the morning, my Dad's gone to work. My mom's doing housework and my siblings play outside so loudly waking me up. Went to shower, when done I grabbed something to munch on and snatch the lappy out of my sibling's control. This happens EVERYDAY, then I'll play until 3-4pm where I take a nap. Their time to play. Abt 6 I wake up, shower again. Took dinner and take back the lappy. Played until midnight or later. I play in my room, no one talks to me and I talk to no one. Maybe my siblings will disturb me once in a while but that's it. Halfway using the lappy my mom'll order me some stuff. I'l just do it and continue. I don't talk to my mom, or Dad. When my dad comes home, it's at 8-9 something, he showers take his dinner and sleep. So far my lappy's my only company, lonely life it is. Fuzzy'll call me abt 2/3 times I'll listen to her and comment. I don't talk alot now, maybe because I don't have anything to say. Come to think of it, I want to start another relationship. But maybe that's just a dream. I have everything I need in my room. My phone, lappy, bed, tv, radio, everything. I even eat in my room, most of the time. And I'll only go out when I need to pee/poopoo and take food. zzzz nice life? I don't think so, I pity the ppl who gets too much attention from the parents. But I also envy them, there will never be a time when my parents will say "I love you" or "miss you" becuz that's who they are. They are cold, I was rejected by my own father because I wanted to kiss him when I was nine. Sometimes I feel like I'm in some Foster family, because parents are supposed to tuck their children in bed, parents are supposed to say "love u and miss you" and kiss them n hug them everyday. My parents don't do that. At least I have parents, but I don't feel loved. They don't have to give me everything I want to show they love me, it's just the three words that matter. I've never hugged my mom since I was 8. I kissed my mom wen I was 13 and got scolded by my dad. My mom don't rlly care if I kissed her or not, or say luv u or not. My dad will get me for doing that. What so wrong with doing that? Haixx... I sometimes think ppl's life are better than me, but everybody thinks so. Everybody thinks their life is just the worst and no one understands them but the truth is everyone is facing the same thing but in a different way. Whenever I thought my life is the worst, I keep hating myself. I hate myself for it, because I was given a lot of things. I was pampered in my first 6 years of life, and I think my life sucks. I hate myself for it. I'm not appreciating what's given to me, I can't forgive myself for that. I guess it does suck when your parents treat you as if you're not even there, and you get scolded for everything your siblings do, and getting scoldings for what you didn't do, but I guess other's lives are worse. I just don't appreciate what's given to me. I keep telling myself to appreciate my life, but I'm not. No matter how hard I tell myself, it's the same thinking. haixx....
Finished watching Nobuta Wo Produce. Or I like calling it Producing Nobuta. Cried from epi 9 straight till ending of 10. Duno y, Aoi reminds me of myself. I watch her and I ask myself "Am I that mean?" Maybe I am... If I'm that mean, God I'm rlly the worst. Anw, nice ending. Nobuta shouldn't be so nice, be meaner! lol when she cried, I was crying until I couldn't breath haha. Was crying so hard...lol....nowa Kurosagi, HERE I COME! lol I watched episode 1, nice. Now tt I think of it, Mariko from NWP is the same actor as Misa Amane from Death Note 2... lol
Monday, June 11, 2007
10:34 PM
My love is gone hehe but better ones will come,i hope
I kept thinking of that night,
When you said "goodbye",
For the first time.
I wished I could rewind the clock,
And start this all over again.
I felt so right,
When you say the words,
That made me feel oh so great.
But now you left without a trace,
Baby why did you make me cry?
You should've told me you'd leave me soon enough.
I don't blame you.
You couldn't stay with me if you don't love me no more.
Baby I'm letting you go,
So go and fly away,
I know you'll never love me again.
So I'm not going to even try.
I know you well enough to know you would do this to me.
Why do you have to be so predictable?
Bye bye my angel.
You can fly away now.
I'll alwaes think of you.
And I'll alwaes hope you'll come back.
But I know that will alwaes be a dream,
And nothing more....
muahahahah ok this poem sucks!!!!! but i let it out,muahaha i'm letting you go... u can alwaes come back, but i'll never know if I'm still the baby u kno tt time...
Labels: love is never spoken loud enough
Sunday, June 10, 2007
2:58 PM
surfed the net and found some "interesting" stuff
I was surfing the net, nothing to do mah. Then found some stuff abt Singapore ppl. Check it out
3 blind ppl queueing, other ppl(with eyes tt can see)cutting queue, sad right?
haha littering, the video just right for my PW. zzz dust bin so far away mehs?
Copied from http://www.rudesingaporeans.blogspot.com :
"Was on a public bus riding around Orchard Road when the bus driver stopped the bus and walked over to a passenger.
I was just sitting 3 seats behind him when the driver asked the uncle not to eat the durian puffs as the smell will stay in the vehicle.
I know that there's durian in the bus since the aroma is very strong and probably brought up by some passengers but did not know that it is the puffs. The passenger immediately kept the plastic container but commented that how come the lady sitting on the other side can feed the baby with baby food!
What an idiot!"
haha true true, very idiotic!
haha... I wanna see this man in the MRT some time.
Go find more stuff at STOMP and BAD HABITS
Ok change subs. zzz I was surfing the net right, went to this guy's( emo mei's dear)blog, heard the song. Rlly nice. I wanna sing it to my ex,lol. haha it's not a hatred song, very sweet sia.
Labels: zzzz singaporeans like us
Saturday, June 9, 2007
11:03 AM
randomly speaking...
ok I'm having no mood to post anything,lol. And to anonymous/Anonymous, forget abt my post to u guys. I'm rlly sorry, but I think I'm starting to get what you're saying. My blog is not dumb, if it is go somewhere else you don't have to stick around here as no one's forcing you. I'm emo becuz I know I'm emotional, it doesn't have to be a discrimination becuz there are a LOT of people out there proud to be emo, and it is nt an insult. I'm an emo, I accept who I am and I can't help it. I cry out of movies, songs and pretty much anything emotional. Crybaby? Yea but that's what I'm born to be =)
Long time nvr play audi, play today. Was rlly fun, made abt 16k dens in abt 6/7 games lol. Play with emo mei, she kinda lonely no one online so she play with me. My outfit is so ugly gawd, I'm saving to buy some pro clothes, becoz I wanna "act" pro but I'm not XD haha. I'm just lvl 11 freedom, zzz very low nvr take license, failed once and dowan take again. Lol but I bully freedoms, clubbers and sometimes amateurs. I think they ask other ppl to take license, so I can beat them.
Worry abt Fuzzy a lot, >_< she not eating and sleeping. I oso can't sleep, ended up sleeping lata than midnight every single night. I keep tossing and turning but can't sleep. Anyways, I'm trying my best to stand strong. I can tell everyone expects me to be strong, so I will. I told everyone in the poem, I won't let myself feel anymore.I'll just smile and make it look real, look happy and keep everything inside. If only somebody out there knew about me inside and comfort me, I will be able to feel happiness and sadness. But nobody does, everybody has themselves and everybody has me. I will be there for you, no matter who or what you are. It doesn't matter if I'll fall to help you, I will make sure you stand strong and won't ever budge. I'll smile for you, and I'll be happy for you. Because if I were to choose a face for myself, it'll die soon enough. I'll look happy, but I will never be, becuz there's nothing for me to be happy about. It's ok, at least I'm trying my best to keep everyone happy and rlly be happy. It's alright if I'm not happy, because maybe I don't deserve to be.
My mom's sick. Hope she'll be ok soon, she's been sick for quite some time, it sucks to see her like this. I dunno I feel lyk it's my fault she's sick, and everybody is pressuring me to be the parent of the house. I can't, I just can't. All I do is play laptop, and bore myself all day. My uncles and aunties and family members, I'm sorry I'm not up to you guys' expectations. I feel rlly responsible for her illness, but I don't know why I'm feeling like this. Maybe you don't know, but every time she vomits, every time she feels sick, it kills me. It kills me so much. I'm dying, and I can't stand to see her like this. That's why I'm staying inside my room, because it hurts me. It really does. It's not that I don't wanna help her, it's not that I want her to be worse, I already can't take it. I love her, I care about her a lot, so her being like this stings me bloody much. If only I could hear I'm loved too.
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
9:54 AM
It just sucks when everything's down
hehe didn't post for quite some time, no mood lar. Everything's down now. I don't really wanna talk about the anonymous Anonymous thingy today,I'll do it some other time, I hope. Since I don't rlly have anything I want to write and don't want my blog to die, lols I'll write about my time when I had cancer. Nono not the cancer that kills you in the next 3 mths or something, this cancer is not serious. It was when I was primary 5, you know that was the time of the heelys. You know the little wheel in the shoe. Yea I have a pair of that, rlly cool thing. I was having fun skating and rolling here and there,lol. Then I fell. PIAK! It was a hard hard fall on concrete floor. I knew something happened, but I just kept quiet. When we got home, I tasted blood in my mouth and found a hole at the back in my mouth. I told my mom, she said "Oh, it's nothing. Go and sleep" So we all forgot about it. A few months later, my right jaw started exploding. haha not exactly exploding, expanding and expanding. It keeps expanding and the growth is really rapid. My family noticed it really well and reccomended my mom to bring me to the doc. My mom said the same excuse "Oh, it's nothing. We'll go to the doc next week or so" So my right jaw keeps expanding, till I myself noticed. haha no, I didn't notice till then. I was 10(going to 11) whad'ya expect? lol we went to Jurong Polyclinic, and the doctor was examining with a weird look.
...abt 8pm...
Doc:Hmm(holding my right jaw)It's hard,not slimy or soft.(holds it more effortly) Does it hurt?
Me:No. Not hurting at all. It's the same feeling as before. It just keeps growing.
Doc: This is weird. I have never seen anything like this. I think you should be directed to the Hospital tonight. You have to come to the Hospital tonight,ok?
Me: Err...ok. But why tonight?
Doc:If it's something serious, I'm not taking responsiblity,my dear.
So that's about it, rlly quick check in the Jurong Polyclinic. We went to NUH, as instructed. When we reached there, we had to take temperature and all that. It was the SARS season, I hated it. So I just took the temperature, write whatever in some paper, and went in the A&E. It's an emergency place where selected people get to cut the queue and have these more specialised doctors to check you. I went in, there were 2/3 more people. And coincidentally, this gerl had almost the same name as me, Syafikah. My name is Shafiqah. It was cool, she was alot older than me so we didn't talk so much. When it was my turn, I had to take multiple X-Rays.
Then we waited outside until the doc asked me and my mom to come in his room.
...11 something pm...
Doc:This is so weird. Look at this.
He puts the X-Ray gray plastic thingy on the lighting thing where you can stick the X-ray plastic and it's a lot easier to see.
Doc:You see this(pointing to my lower right jaw) there's a tooth sitting on your lower jaw. It must have fallen or something like that. And see around it, is cancer tissues.(the tissues are hard to see as X-Rays are to see bones,lol)It's a tumour. That's why it's expanding rapidly, because it's a cancer and you're young. You're growing rapidly,and cancer does too. So it has triple speed from usual men having this. Problem is, your lost tooth is sitting on a vein. We won't have much problem taking out the tumour,if it's not too big so we have to do it fast. But your tooth is what troubles me, if the surgeon didn't do it gently, you won't be able to feel anything on your right jaw. Your right jaw will be paralysed, for your whole life. It's not confirmed if it's cancer or not, so you can go home now. come back tomorrow, in the dental department. There'll be a professor waiting for you there.
And we left. On my way home, my mom asked me "Hey issit because of your Heelys that caused your tooth to drop that far?"Yeah she was right. No wonder there was blood, and a hole. It was too much information for one night, and I can only understand half of what he said. Lucky coz I didn't freak if I got it now, I'll freak a lot. We came tomorrow, and I can skip school that day yay! lol so we went, I thought the professor was going to be someone young coz I haven't known about the years of education the person took to get the name of Professor. There was this quite old guy. First impression was so off,haha. I was being cute coz I'm 11 and it's a weird occasion to have a girl that young in the dental department. But he has being scary and stern. Scary dude. I went there with my Dad. That scary prof asked my Dad to bring me to the dental X-Ray where they only X-Ray your teeth and jaw of course. It was funny, you have to grin and these things will go around you scanning. haha. then we went back to the prof room. He checked me, asked if it hurts like always. As I always say, "No". Then he asked my Dad if there was anything weird about yesterday night that made us go to the doc. My Dad said "No, we just picked a date. It was a long time ago since we've noticed. We just didn't think it'd be that serious" So he said that the next meet, he'll confirm if it's a cancer or not. Like I care, haha I didn't know a difference of getting cancer or not.
The next meet, it was confirmed that I had cancer. It's called "amoelo blastoma" or something haha. It didn't matter much to me tt time, I had to be checked every week for nothing. LOL keep doing X-Rays until they stopped saying there'll be side effects if they took any more. It was pretty horrible, I had to stop in school time and go to the hospital. It sucks coz everybody get to have fun after school and I have to spend with this old guy, but he gets nicer and nicer appointment by appointment. I get more nervous appointment by appointment lol. They have to take my blood so I said ok. The syringe was huge! It wasn't that huge but it's huge for a syringe. I was going to lack of blood if I had to fill that thing. They were finding my veins, which was hilarious. When they found one and wanted to put alcohol, the vein disappeared. The same thing happened over and over again. It was so funny I was laughing haha. Then they decided to take the vein that was appearing obviously on my hand. You know if you work a lot, veins will appear so they took one of those. It was pretty cool looking at my blood, not so hurting. There were dental students there and as they pass by, they saw how young I was. Then they were saying things like "Don't look don't look" and "Pain or not?" haha I wanted to look coz it was cool and it doesn't hurt, a lot. It hurts a bit.
On 13th February 2004, it was my operation day. The big day. I'm not allowed to eat anything. Then we went straight to the hospital and reached at 8am. They gave me these robes which are so ugly. Slippers which are big, and even underwear which is disposable. So I had to be in the operation theatre alone, so scary. I see unconscious people being moved here and there. Really scary. Then this lady comes and asked some questions and I just answered bilndly. haha. Then we went in. Let me tell you, IT IS FREAKINGLY SCARY! I was still 11, no parents and when I came in there were like 20 people all staring at me like an alien when I think they looked weird with the hair nets and gloves and all that. One woman came to me openned my robe and put those things on my chest and asked me to lie on the bed. I wasn't wearing any BRA!!! haha. You know in the toilet there are those round things you use so that the hangers or whatever will stick on the toilet walls right? Yea it was something like that. They stick those things on my chest. Then they made me wear this mask with a balloon. haha not exactly just like a balloon. The mask where it only covers your nose and mouth, I was told the gas in the balloon attached to the mask will allow me to sleep easily. It was nice. Really nice. Then they poke this needle in my left wrist. And injected sleeping medicine or something. I felt the liquid running in my body. When it reached far enough, I was already dozing. I didn't even realise it.
What happened was they dug a hole in my mouth and took out the tumour. Then the tooth, rlly rlly rlly carefully.
When I woke up, I was so dizzy. It was like you ate 10 panadols and pass out. Then I was on the movable bed. They moved me out of the operation theatre, then came my parents. We went to my ward. Ok the ward thing is so funny. They took me to this 4-bed room with tvs on each bed. It was great and each ward has a toilet. COOL! Then I wanted to get in the bed when they say "Oh sorry. You're not 16 yet(wth I'm 11 hello??)you have to move to the children's wards" Awww sad I wish I could stay in that ward, so fun and luxurious. I was brought to the children's ward. VERY VERY VERY noisy, and quite childish for me but I don't mind. Then this doctor who's kind of a relief of the professor came and check. It was ok, so he said "soft diet" I HATE SOFT DIET!!!! TILL NOW I HAVE THIS THING AGAINST SOFT DIET!IT STINKS! It makes my life so plain and ruined. Then I was given dinner. Is tt even dinner? Sloppy porridge where you taste nothing, fish curry that tastes like liquidish sand. EEEwww since that day, I hate hate hate hate hate soft diets. I didn't eat anything. Then they inserted liquid starch bottle thingy. They wire it using tubes form the bottle hung up to my left wrist. Remember when the operation was starting this person stuck in a needle? yea they inserted the tube there. It was ok, then I had my period haha funny. The next day I was released. WHEEE!
We went to my Grandma's house. Everyone was there. I was given, PORRIDGE AND FISH CURRY! I taste nothing!!!It was so bland. PUKE!!!!! I rlly hated the food I was forced to eat. 1 whole wk of the same thing, I was rlly dying haha. I wanted chicken! And all that. I had to eat pills. I don't mind the pain-killer it's nice but everything else tastes bad.lol Then after 2 wks, I went to school. The next week is CA1, so my teacher said I can VR on everything and I don't need to come to school in exam period. It was fun..
In they operation they stuff the hole with gauge. You know the white cotton thingy yea. They dug a hole and took my tumour and tooth out, so the hole is big. They stuffed it with gauge. Then they wanted to cut off the stitches they stitched it was painful becuz my gum has grow on the stitches but they had to. So it was painful,very painful. How do you feel when your gum's been cut?haha yea it ws like that blood ooze out, and no numbing medicine is used. PAIN! I was young, I thought those are little cockroaches in my mouth.haha y? Becuz the gum is like the body of the cockroach and the stitches are like the legs. I thought the cockroaches are flooded by my blood, that's y it's red. lol funny my Dad laughed at me. haha. The next week, they wanted to take off the gauge. Had to cut some parts becuz the gum grew on the gauge lol. Pain but it's ok, the gauge is a long thick string. They radius of tt thing is ike 2cm. It was long. As long as about 1-2 metres. The prof took one end and pulled. I see red thick string coming out haha. The proff said "magic show.Shafiqah can take out a long string out of her mouth" haha. It's red becuz of blood, otherwise it's white. haha they just stuffed that thing in my hole. lol
That's about the experience with my Cancer. It made me suffer, til now. I have to visit the prof once in a while becuz Cancer means it can some again anytime. So I still have to take X-Rays. I hate it. Make my eyes hurt. Oh well..some experience I can never forget. =)
Labels: my cancer tragedy
Saturday, June 2, 2007
12:29 PM
Tell me how you feel..
I thought my relationship with him is a close book,nothing but memories. But my cuzzie just told me something I would've never thought my ex would do for me. I didn't save the msg but he said Kyo was doing all of this for me, coz I was young and he wasn't ready. And I have no right to hate him. He said Kyo didn't reply to my msg coz his prepaid was low and he didn't want me to get in trouble so he didn't communicate with me anymore. That was about it, let me get this straight.
Kyo, I don't hate you. I would never hate and love someone at the same time. I was disappointed. Why didn't you tell me you didn't gave me any msg becuz you didn't want me to get in trouble? You could tell ur gd fren. I felt cheated, you just left me with a msg and let me rot there alone. I love you, and I trusted you a lot. Why didn't you tell me? I know I'm young, and I know you're not ready. I know, and it's perfectly fine for me if you could be just my friend. I'd prefer that actually. But you didn't message me for so long, I thought you've forgotten about me. But I didn't believe on tt thought, I stood strong. I didn't tell anyone that I still love you deep down, that I miss you so bloody much. I didn't tell anyone you were the only guy I met who I've really loved. But that doesn't matter doesn't it? It's ok if you don't love me anymore. It's ok if you don't miss me anymore. I was just disappointed. I thought our relationship would last longer than that. I didn't know. I didn't know you didn't message becuz of my cuzzin brother.
I missed you, alot. I trusted you so much, I gave you so much hope, and it was all shattered. It was shattered by one msg, the msg that has no feelings in it. I don't feel any sadness, happiness, grief or anything when I read it. I was numb, SO NUMB! Do you expect me to not feel any sadness when you just leave me like tt with one SMS and nothing else after abt 2-3 mths? I'm not emotionless, I started to hate you. But I keep trying not to. I keep trying not to hate you, but I am already numb. I don't know what to feel, I don't know what I should feel, so I tried to forget you, I made myself forget you. Whenever I thought of you, I'll keep myself busy. I don't know about you. I don't know if you're having the time of your life or not. If you ever read this, my phone line's still available till 5/6 June. Now, I don't know if I still love you anymore. I don't know if I still miss you anymore. You meant a lot to me, but I don't know if you still are. I'm sorry I thought this way, but you should've told me the truth from the beginning.
And Ghost, thanks for the info. But it might be too late, to save anything now.
When you're gone, I miss you. When you're gone, I need you. But are you the one for me?
\
Labels: why am i crying now
