Wednesday, October 29, 2008
5:44 PM
I wanted to keep going. I wanted to tell everyone I'm here, so you'll be okay. But I can't anymore. Cause I'm not helping them and I can't help them to be strong. It was me that was too big-headed. They are okay, cause I say so. When they're happy, then so am I. I wanna be the friend I never had. But I guess I'm just a hindrance. No more. No more.
Sometimes I just wanna go back to it all. Go back to when everyday was a day without battles against myself. I wanna just escape from everything and be okay again. And regret it so deeply inside.
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
2:19 PM
Ugh so pissed off at everything today! Like, things are just so frustrating! GAHHH!!!! Okay like I got 6th in class, top 80 in level. Then NOTHING CHANGES! It's like, whatever I got is of nothing worth la, dammit! Grr, I hate everything. I can't do anything I like! It's so friggin frustrating~!!!!! i wanna fucking smash everything to pieces le. SOME PEOPLE WHO DON'T APPRECIATE ME SHOULD BACK OFF.
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Ok, today got Maths stuff. It was easier to understand and all, I guess coz I PAID ATTENTION! Not full attention but, yeah I did. The only time where I did not pay attention was because I already did the question, and I got it right! hehe~ aiya I don't really care about maths la, since my Maths really suck.... My Maths intelligence is like what... 45%? Let's see ar, my intelligences...
hehe musically intellegent ok! wakakkakaka, well I still suck at playing piano. haha xD can't believe my Intrapersonal only 75%! ugh, so sucky!
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
8:01 PM
blogging again? Now I think I've got the hand of blogging again! LOL anyways, I went to the SJAB's blog. Disappointed, I looked at the tagboard. Someone named 'SS' go and criticise MY darling Halim! xD Ok I don't call her that, but she's someone important to me so you all brainless people back off!
I wanted to call this SS person stupid. Not only does he/she is named after a subject (and a very horrendous, utterly unnecessary one), this SS person also calls his or herself stupid! How stupid is that! Therefore, instead I will call this person obviously brainless!
Furthermore, this person go and criticise Steph when she did NOTHING wrong. What is wrong with you people! Eh wait, you ARE obviously brainless, so I guess I have to excuse you for such brainless actions. BUT you are disturbing normal people, so you better learn your mistakes! Don't make trouble for others when they don't even need it, you brainless fool!
Is there an even more hilarious factor about this person? YES! This person made fun of Steph's English since she did a primary school mistake. Well, everyone did that so I didn't mind so much. BUT this person even typed out a word never recognised by any Professor, and mind you you can search for all the dictionaries in the world, but there won't be one where you'll find this word 'par jao'. Its hysterical look already tells me it isn't a typing error. Mr./Mrs. Brainless criticised Steph's English, yet she typed out a word no English person know, 'par jao'. I hope this person learns that other languages needs to be used separately. This person should also know before you actually criticise others, make sure you don't do a mistake far worse than that ciriticsm you'd be making!
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Ok done. I just don't like it when people ask for trouble when the other party doesn't ask for it! You idiots should know better! Okay *breathe breathe* phew, today was bumpy but overall okay!
The career thingy was good. It gave me a thumbs-up on what I'm already thinking of. I am thinking about my career already. I want to become a language teacher and a freelance author. Very ambitious of me, huh? xD hehe, well. I plan to finish studying at New South Wales University, take a trip to Japan and teach English there. I can also back up on my Japanese and teach the Muslims there to get more paychecks xD After a few years, I want to return to my homeland, Singapore and teach English, Malay and Japanese there. I can write in my free time, sell my creation and let the people around the world read my wild imagination. I can also spend my free time making music, selling my creation and even be a composer(although this dream might be a bit too far-fetched)! haha ok, gotta go... Wish me luck!
Saturday, October 18, 2008
1:20 PM
Wahh back at home! So tiring. What a day~! And wait, I still have to go to my aunt's house. And tomorrow, go to dunno who's house! How sian~!!! *sigh* I never thought I'd still be getting all this stress even after exams ):
All these bad results are affecting a lot of people, well not me since actually my marks are not so bad xD but my friends. Well, it's normal for me to worry about them though. Mainly because I think now I have a goal. It's a huge goal for me but I think God gave me this goal. The goal is to help as many people as I can and to stop them from making the biggest mistakes of their life like I did. I was the biggest fool in this world, but through it all I came through. I realised my mistakes, and here I am so much sober. Yet there are so many people that are going to do that same stupid mistake again, and I must stop it. No matter what, I must.
But I don't seem to be able to cope with such pressure. I think the phrase someone told me was so true. "You can't help others if you don't help yourself." but I can't help myself, there are just too many people that I can possibly help. How can I possibly help myself when all these people are crying? I thought of myself and all these people. I have to help them. Their existence to me isn't so tiny. They're one the biggest existence of my life. I need to help them. How can I watch them suffer? I can't just watch them suffer. I am so ready to give it all to helping these people. These people who looks just like the 'me' a year ago. Those people that self-mutilate. Those people that are suicidal.
I don't know if those people can actually read this, but hey I went through it all. Yeah I know all that pain. You might not realise that now but when you do, you'll know how much we're so related. Let me say the plain truth. I have cut myself. I have attempted suicide. Many, many, many times. During that time, I felt that the world was so much better without me. I thought that my family would be so much happier without my existence.
Even now, once in a while, I still have those thoughts. But every single day is a battle to stop it. I remembered those people that are important to me. My family and friends. They're the most important people in my life. I asked myself, do I want to leave these people? Do I want to make these people cry? Do I know actually what happens when I really die? Maybe yeah, they won't cry. But you, would you cry if your dear friend or family member left you? Would you cry when you realise your family member cut his or herself? If you cry, then so will they. I am so much sober and happier now without the suicide and knife. And you can feel that freedom anytime. Just turn yourself in. Believe in what can happen.
Ok it's like a BIG whole lecture xD haha, sorry people. You can skip that part if you want xD Anyway, I'm thinking of closing this blog down, permanently. Erase it from this world. Well, good luck to all your lives and battles. I'm fighting one now, and if you may struggle from these battles just call me. I am someone who can help. Trust me. I have gone through it all (:
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Now playing: Sick Puppies - Mastered - All The Same
via FoxyTunes
Thursday, October 16, 2008
4:45 PM
Wahh here I am blogging again! Well, got most of my marks~ ehehehe, umm.... I pass, most of the subjects xD haha let's see......
English
-Paper 1:
-Paper 2: 27.5/50
Total:
E maths: 50/100
A Math: 36/100
POA: 45/100
Humanities: 57/100
Combined Science: 56/100
Malay:
Well, here are the marks I've got... So HORRIBLE!!! 2 C5s, 1 C6, 1 D7 and 1 F9 T_T Ah well, I just aimed to pass this year anyway xD I'm more worried about Tako! Haiz, what's gonna happen T.T Let's hope we all go through this together (:
Ugh I suddenly got emo now ): Nanka, I started remembering all those problems. All those memories. All those sins. Somehow, I cry inside coz I know I can't atone for all these sins. It's all my fault. I know it won't change when I blame myself, but it really is. Everything started from me. All the problems the people around me are having are from me. I am the poison. It's my fault. Sometimes I want to make people go away so that they won't get hurt because of me, but my selfishness took the better of me. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I know people might get pissed off reading this. But I have to tell you guys, I'm so sorry. If only I could atone for those sins, I'm so sorry. It's all my fault. Nobody else have to take on this blame, but me. And no one should follow these footsteps of mine, because they're not for you to suffer. They're mine.
Saturday, October 11, 2008
5:25 AM
wahh exams are over! finally blogging is continued. My hiatus is done. Haha, honestly it was so awkward during the hiatus. I wanted to blog a lot, but had to tahan xD now I don't even know what to write la. The natural fingers typing words are gone. But oh well, I guess I'll just pick it up again sooner or later xD
Anyway, the animal farm blog is made! This is the beta version, so yeah. The blogskin is not yet made, and it's not really spread out yet.... but for スペシアル サービス this is for you guys!
http://www.dssfarm.blogspot.com
Don't forget to leave your tag around~!
wahh Supandi met me a few days ago abt my malay lit and malay, what a bummer my papers were~ But he said I could pass, so PHEW! Hopefully can promote to next year and THEN study. This year was the first I didn't study la~! Omg the tension was so high le! I was so scared I couldn't pass, I felt like it was the first time I said "I never study" and didn't mean it. Whenever I said that in the past, it meant just studying hard the night before =/ so you all better pray hard for me har xD
Ahh just watching Princess Princess, I can't help but thinking how my thinking and Yuujirou's are the same. Well, maybe everybody thinks the same way but I think he went through the same shit as me, so he'd understand. It's so hard to find people that understand the shit I went through nowadays. It's not that you all experience less pain or what, it's just that I think the pain you all went through are just different than mine. I was mentally bruised, but that's it ^_^ I don't really care about it anymore, since I don't wanna remember why it all happened, etc etc... Yuujirou in epi 3 felt he made the happy family into an unhappy one, so did I. And I guess everyone as well. But you know what, who gives a damn about that happy one. A happy family is never interesting! Dakara, dou demo ii desu yo! An unhappy one isn't "happy ever after" but it's interesting and unique in its own way ((:
btw, these are all the dramas/animes/mangas/manhwas/films I'm gonna use to entertain myself on this post-exam time!
Anime
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-Full Metal Alchemist
-Zero No Tsukaima
-Nana
-Alice Academy
-XXXholic
-Kindaichi
-Special A
-Kyou Kara Maou
-Soul Eater
Drama
-Full House
-Princess Hours (rewatching, again!)
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-Seigi No Mikata (2008)
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-33pun Tantei
-Kimi Hannin Janai Yo Ne?
-4 Shimai Tantei Dan
-Shibatora
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Mangas/Manhwas
-Goong
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-Bleach
-Detective Conan
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-Fate/Stay Night
-Full Moon wo Sagashite
-Hanazakari no Kimitachi he
-Hunter X Hunter
-Mahoraba
-Nabari No Ou
-Witch Hunter
-Zombie-Loan
-Ouran High School Host Club
Yeah love the long list, means I've got things to do! haha~
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Now playing: Lost Prophets - Broken Hearts, Torn Up Letters And The Story Of A Lonely Girl
via FoxyTunes
