Thursday, July 31, 2008
8:10 PM
Maou 4 and Code Blue 4 is out yo! xD Was waiting like crazy la!!! haha... anw, today quite a big thing happened...
Ms Gwee asked for a discussion abt POA. Since we all SERIOUSLY SUCK AT IT, Ms Gwee asked what's the problem and we had to sort of answer. For me, I don't know. It might've been the subject, it might've been how we started off with our teachers. One thing's for sure, there's loads of people dropping POA. I am still in a dilemma whether or not to drop =/ It's quite a good thing if I drop POA, but I don't want to. Personally, I don't. I love the subject. I want to understand it, I just have trouble. Oh well, since there's a lot lesser people then maybe I can study better! Yeah xD
Oh yeah, now I'm scared that I'm gonna snap anytime! I have been thinking a LOT about stuff and it's been really stressful. A lot of people tell me their problems, I like it. I honestly liked being trusted and all, but I tend to think a lot for these people. It's like I was meant to help them. If I don't, I feel useless. I get really agitated lately and I'm really afraid I'll SNAP!
Btw, snap means I explode out my emotions in one go xD Example of snapping...
A: Eh eh eh it's you, right? Don't lie.
B: It's not me ok. Stop it. *agitated*
A: Don't need to lie. We're your buds.
B: *SNAPPED* When I say it's not me, it means that! Stop pushing me as if you've got all the sources telling you that it's me! You can just FUCK OFF AND SHUT UP COZ YOU'RE ANNOYING AND COMPLETE HUMAN TRASH!*trashes everything*
B: It's not me ok. Stop it. *agitated*
A: Don't need to lie. We're your buds.
B: *SNAPPED* When I say it's not me, it means that! Stop pushing me as if you've got all the sources telling you that it's me! You can just FUCK OFF AND SHUT UP COZ YOU'RE ANNOYING AND COMPLETE HUMAN TRASH!*trashes everything*
An easy example... They just blow off like an atomic bomb! It's scary, and when I snap I become Female HULK! haha xD But really, when I really snap I'll throw anything I can get my hands on and smack it all over the place. I'll blame everything on everybody and shout as if no one cares. I'll stare at everyone and make them shut up, then I run off and forget everything =D
今 問題 有る だから 何時も 考えてた。人生 は 重要 かな？人生 は 大切 の 物 かな？僕 は 何も 出来ない 分かってる。 僕 は 友達 守りたい、だけど 自分 で 守る できる かな？自分 で 生きてる 出来る? 出来ない かも 知れない。
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Now playing: Trade Mark - Only Love
via FoxyTunes
Monday, July 28, 2008
8:26 PM
i'm having mood swings recently.... ugh, don't know why.
I feel like...
-nobody needs me
-everybody hates me
-i can't do anything right
-i just can't help people
-nobody loves me
so emo right? grrr shooo mood swings! stupid mood swings, why do I even have them? =.=! anw, today was actually fun if you exclude my UNNECESSARY mood swings. oh yeah, have you heard of Bloody Weekend? There was Bloody Weekend in India yesterday! It was so shocking la! like, so scary,right? Bloody thingy all over again! anw, lucky S'pore is full of harmony and peace. maybe not so much xD, but there's no earthquakes, no riots, no nothing. Who wouldn't want that? Although it gets boring =.=!
Oh yeah Nadiah showed us this racist post from this person who hates Malay SOOO much~ But, can't blame him though. He's human, right? He's bound to hate and regret later, desho? xD I was laughing when I read the racist post. It was... ridiculous? LOL Why do you have to say "You would lose like any other Malay would" It sounds too ridiculous to me. Saying like that, is like saying "Table, you will be green like any other table will" Urm, ok bad example xD but, what does failing have to do with race. It's just way too ridiculous xDD
I guess he doesn't read the papers, if he said that we will fail. Coz recently, Malay is becoming cleverer okay?! haha no la, it's just that the PSLE toppers and O lvl toppers recently are malay, but I think that's got nothing to do with being malay la. Duhh, or maybe because Malay is just a too easy subject? haha, maybe then xDD
After what Nadiah said, I'm like... shit?! You can get imprisoned just by your contents of your post? *gulps* okay, BLOGGING CAN BE A REAL DANGER! So ppl, do be careful of what you blog about!
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Now playing: Aizome (Piano Version)
via FoxyTunes
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
7:46 PM
back to blogging~ wahahahas, wah love the tags!!! keep them coming!
Shahirah: yo, yeah I keep forgetting to change link xD haha Jolin? ohhhh!!! kk xD
Gwendolyn: so sorry spelt your meimei's name wrgly xD hmm, I thought your house would be different. no organ, separate rooms, etc etc xD I thought your house was cool coz it's so different from what I usually see =DD
Jun: emo? haha. aw didn't know u can say such encouraging words to me! Thanks, it really helps!
oh ya, nvr go kayaking both days har!! lol...
Kayaking was 100% total funness~~!!!Well, there were times when I was scared to capsize and all, and the sun ain't making it any better, BUT I love just floating by the water! Water is totally my element after all xD
One thing, the water there is UNBEARABLE! Algae is floating everywhere, chemicals contaminate the water making the smell so disgusting, oil is added to the water making everything much worse. So, do NOT drink the water!
Do not bother to put sunblock if it's SPF 30-40 xD it's burning on SUNday. I tried out left-handed pedal and it just rocks! But, now I can't use the right-handed one =.=!
ANW, I was sharing the same kayak with Elsie aka Dolphin on the 1st day. She got seasick for a while due to all the chemicals and oil. I panicked! I used my strength power to actually bring all of us to shore xD On the second day, it was much easier and harder at the same time using single kayaks, but it was so hella fun!
Capsizing is the one where you'll remember a lifetime! To be submerged in the dirty water, getting out and asking for help, it's just so fun! Rescuing others rocks too! After reading this, people who haven't gone kayaking, DON'T COME ON ONLY A DAY! Trust me, it's all worth it! You'll feel the accomplishment of finishing Kayak 1 star! I was proud of myself for coming ont he second day despite my cramped body! xD
And one more thing, do all you can and help others! On the first day, I helped quite a lot. It was humongously fun! On the second day, I didn't help that much so I wasn't really proud of myself ): but at least I helped plenty on the first day! ^^
End of kayaking~ haha then Racial Harmony!!! hmm... want see my pictures? haha ok let's publicise some of my best pictures of the trip!
see Sang Nila Utama? That's what my sis says xD lol, but I really like Sri Mariyanman's roof. It's so nice!
The laughing buddha! Look at his smile =DDDD
Another buddha I guess.... 
Dragon~~~ ROAR! It was fun! Everything rocks on that day!
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Now playing: My Chemical Romance - I'm Not Okay (I Promise)
via FoxyTunes
Friday, July 18, 2008
5:27 PM
i'm back to blogging~~ yeah... honestly... honestly..... honestly!!! These few days have been really sucky T.T oh well, one thing I keep making wrong decisions, another I keep doing the wrong thing, and I don't know what's the right thing to do.
I'M FRIGGING FLUSTERED! I don't see why I should be flustered but I still am flustered, I guess because I think I am so sagacious when I'm not so sagacious as I think I am =D I don't even know what word to use to describe my feelings...
I hate myself. I should go and die. People will live better. Everyone will forget me. Bye bye. Done. Finish. Zilch (:
That is NOT! how I describe my feelings ok xD well, sometimes I do feel it but it goes away, so... xD anyway I'm super bored so I decided to blog. When I think of it, this blog has been undead for so long! wow, so cool xD my first and ever blog, still living healthily xD
Lol, ok. Let's summarise what I did so far. Hmmmmmm, I've been feeling guilty for almost EVERYTHING in school, I want help but I don't know if I need help and even if I do, I don't know who to ask help from and who actually wants to help me. And also what to help me with.
I thought I have codepency, but when I think about it I can't be so selfless so I crossed it out. Now I don't know what's wrong with me. DanDan told me I want to find out more about myself, know more about who I am, my identity and that's true. I wanna know who I am, how I got here, why am I so emotional at times, why do I do the wrong things, why some people just hate me when there are just SO many people doing the same things, why won't I ask for help when I actually need them, why can't I live up to the expectations people have for me and so on~
So far this is all I know about myself. My name is Shafiqah Nurul Afiqah Bte Ramani (don't ask why it's so long =.=). I am 15 years old, born on 5th march 1993 in NUH during approximately sunrise. I am left-handed but I don't know if I was born to be right handed, I think now I'm cross-dominant because I can't be ambidextrous because I'm too stupid to be one even though an article states that ambidextrous people have brain damage (=OOO) . I'm INFP, a water rooster and a Pisces. I love to learn new things that interest me and I love to write. I have been a self-mutilator for 3 years and have finally stopped on 30th March, 2007. In present time, I'm scared that it's coming back because at certain times I still self-mutilate myself, just not so bad.
I'm selfish when I don't realise it, I get angry for the littlest things, I see myself as a true friend when I don't actually know what others want, I trust the wrong people and thus it had led me to distrusting others once and for all(I think I still am trusting people no amtter how much I force myself not to). I don't know what I live for and I am still finding out. I believe in God but I don't know if God is who we think God is. I feel like I'm deigning myself, but am I?
ok done. wahahahaha.... time for....... Japanese hour! lol xD
今日、も少し書います。今自分嫌いです。全ては有り得ない思いだした。昨日、僕の勇気わ消えた。
now the same thing in keigo.
僕は今日、書くつもりです。 僕は現在、うぬぼれます。僕は、すべてが不可能であると思います。 昨日、僕の勇気は見えなくなりました。
Sunday, July 13, 2008
1:32 PM
+Lavi+: lol, yo? xDwoohoo I finally got an idea how to improve my Jap! Well, I have an exercise book just for Jap right? So I could enter 1 entry a day in hiragana. Then I'll improvise it to keigo. After that I can learn the kanjis and stuf. muhahaha Hopefully I can learn how to write and read Japanese properly by the end of the year. Hey, I started from March and only in 4 months, I can read and write hiragana and katakana. Now I know about 80 kanjis. So it's not impossible, and hopefully Youko can help me xD
Youko-san: はじめまして （： ｐUnkrOckIngEEk です。 そうっす ね、僕 の 日本語 は 悪いっす ね ＞。＜ ano, but I don't take Japanese lessons and I'm solely studying Japanese by myself by watching dramas, animes and trying my best to get free Japanese notes online, だから もっと もっと がんばります！ よう子さん, please help me in my Japanese ^^ You can be my 先生 ^_^
I'm at my grandma's house. Woohoo there's internet and I'm stealing others' internet xDD there's nothing to do so I thought I'll blog~~ Btw, is anyone going to SingFest? It's $300 per person, x.X so damn expensive. There's artists like Simple Plan, Alicia Keys, Jason Mraz and stuff are coming. My cousin is here and here he is crapping about me wanting to learn Jap for what la, all tt crap. I was like, someone who has no dreams and no ambitions should just shut the crap up right xD At least I have dreams and aiming for it. If you can see it, then you can do it. If you just believe it, there's nothing to it! ^^
Ah crappish gotta go. Since those 2 buggers (my 2 annoying cousins) wanna use this internet that's 11mbps(so fucking slow!!!! x.X) ok ler, maybe I'll blog again when I get home. じゃ まった！
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Now playing: mihimaru GT with SOFFet - 泣き夏
via FoxyTunes
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
8:30 PM
I'm back to blogging! YEaaahhh it is so syiok to be back and writing, especially when now you know only some people can read this stuff!! uh huh! xD
Today, was really nothing much, but I keep thinking it's Thursday tho. Is it Thursday? Eh no wait it's not... Wait, wait.. Ok it's Wednesday =.=" Lame huh? xD
The ONLY interesting thing I loveeee about today is aft school!!! First we headed off to South View Primary to lecture primarians!!! Then I got this DAMN cute boy, then I see how he write. A Nakama!!! Yeah, a left-hander totally!! xD But the tcher say he's "special". I was like, "0.o?" I guess as a nakama, I know how it's like to be weird. When I was small, I totally did the wrong thing ALL the time. When they say do A, instead of doing A, I'll take a pencil and write "A". So, I definitely know how it's like to be "special" BUT I changed my way of thinking when I was 6 so now I'm pretty normal xD
Unfortunately for him, it's not so easy. But we sort of connected xD I love him, Grrr cute!!! haha SIAO! SIAO! xD He'd say" You siao!" Then I say "You siao oso!" Then we both laugh, without even thinking xD We're cool, although I'm scared he'll make fun of me =.="
Then after that, we went to Gwen's house. Wow so different that what I expected, so... cool! xD I kept practicing Cannon on the Organ I think everyone now hates Cannon xD then asked Gwen to play Escape games, in the end we were "playing" it xD Gwen's sister, Jolene is so darn kawaiii!!! Love her and her Hello Kitty stuff, really love her. And oh yeah, she's a Nakama too!!! xDD
Now I've got nothing to do, so I told myself, "Let's do nothing.... and blog!" haha xD
あの 時 は、僕 は 考えてた。僕 は 嫌いだった かな？だけど、ユウキくん は、その 時 も 病気 が 有る、でも 彼 は 優しい の ともだち 有る。その ともだち が 側 に いる。その 優しい の ともだち は ずっと ユウキくん の そば に いたい。 でも その 優しい の ともだち は 僕 は 有る かな？ こたえ ない なあああ。
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
9:47 PM
Wee hee I'm back and kicking! lol, anw I changed my url. YES, FINALLY MADE A SO SOPHISTICATED NAME EVEN I HAVE TROUBLE WRITING IT XD
http://www.un-emoistical-me.blogspot.com
I wanted to put emo, but didn't want to really be emo, so I put the un. Then, I wanted to make it different so I made emo to emoistical. You'll get used to spelling this xD
Today Piggy struck a question at me which made me go all "huh?" She asked me, "Are you straight?" SCARYY~~ Seriously okay, I'm straight. I have no intention to change my body, I LOVE my boobs and I absolutely love my eggs, menses etc etc. It's funny to say but I really do love my woman body, so yeah xD
Alvin is just this guy I invented. It's me, in another sex. It's total imagination, I would go "what would I do if I was a boy?" And that would be Alvin. That's it!!! But I am straight, there's no girl I've ever felt high over and there's no hot guy I couldn't drool over xD True I said this girl that girl is hot and all, but I don't have that "crushy" feeling. It's just, oh she's pretty. JUST THAT xD
I don't know why but it really pissed me off... xDD
わからない ですけど、あの 人 は、僕 は もう わかんないよ！みんな は、僕 は ほんとうに わかんない よ。僕 ね、ずっと ずっと まもりたい だけと あの 人 は、僕 の こと が 信じられない なあ。。。どうすれば いい な。。。僕 ほんとうに まもりたい、だから みんあ、あたし が 信じて いい よ。。。ほんとうに いいよ。。。 それ だっけ。。
my message to people who can read it. I really wanna say it, but instead I wrote it in Japanese, there are only so few kanjis I use which I know. And my Japanese honestly sucks, so just randomly scramble my words until they make sense xD
みにぇんたち へ、ごめんなさい。 僕 は まだ まだ かんぺっき だから、 めって ね。いえない 言 が ある です けど、if you ask I'll tell you.
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Now playing: KAT-TUN - someday for somebody
via FoxyTunes
Thursday, July 3, 2008
9:10 PM
woohoo I'm back! ok let's do a bit of blogging work...
Dini: Lol, hahahaha let's call you tt from now on! muhahaha!!
Tako: lol, hehe ripping is not illegal okays! xD haha oops psps, I really hate those people sia. Say as if no one listening like that.
DanDan: lol okok, will do. hahaha cannot blame you mah, PIG!!! xD just hope you can survive from Hammy's death sentence!!! haha
I'm back to being.... angry! What the hell is wrong with my mood swings. I'm not having menses, yet I'm having mood swings =.=" Now I'm angry!!! Roar!!! Scary me!! Grrr!!! lol
Angry to who? Me. Stupid lah! I don't know what's wrong with me. Is it just me or is it called "Seishun"? What the fish larhs! I'm angry at myself for pretty much, EVERY LITTLE THING! Although that's good as I'm not venting using others xD, unlike some adults la. You know who they are. People who scold you just so they could release their stress.
I wish someone can teach me to be perfect. That's what I want to be. Oh well, but I can't XD I rely too much on others, I hurt myself in order to not hurt myself (this I have no idea 0.o), I see people as incompetent in helping me or gaining my trust, I look at myself alone when there are so many ppl willing to be with me. *sigh* Let's not care anymore! For tonight, I don't wanna care! Yosh, I'm going to be that optimistic person I know last week! Yosh, I can't be perfect when I gloom all the time, right? Okay!
Today was.... too normal! haha, well first was PE. Fun, damn fun. Did a bit of badminton, a lot of watching XD Mr Rani challenged Jaslyn, ShiroUsa who Soo Ping called "Violent Girl" from her smacks! xD Her smacks are really damn powerful sia, she hit, got sound and can go like... 7m?? But she can't beat the unbeatable Mr Rani xD
then after tt was maths, I'm going to seriously die sia!!! Never study and all, lol! Then after maths, I do malay xD haha, but couldn't finished and was sent out to class. I don't really mind since I sort of deserved it, like, who wouldn't be angry when you've given work from Monday and to be handed on Thursday, yet it's not done? Then recess, nothing in particular...
Then EL and POA. both are boring. Nothing really. After that I go and waste some time, and go Tuff. Need to run 5.5km sia! Wtf!!! But then, Neko and her fren made it fun, so I didn't really mind, Although I'm tired like an old obaba now xD
Was fun since there were Neko, Pengy, Chandani and Neko's friend. Damn fun, but in the end we went home and continues our lives. woohoo =.=" lol.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
4:29 PM
I still don't know what to change my blog name to xD heehee, absolute idea. I may want to change it to some emo url, but dunno la. zzzz been rlly emo-ing. why sia. I don't like it when people try to be emo, but who am I to say that when I myself emo?
EMO ALERT!
!totally irrevelant for people who don't care!
!totally irrevelant for people who don't care!
I don't know anymore. Everything's just so frustrating for me. I don't even know myself anymore. Why the hell would I cry over such simple things and feel nothing when such a huge impact happens? I don't understand myself anymore. One moment I'm angry at someone, and another I'm angry at myself coz I opened my big mouth and hurt someone else. I don't know what's wrong with me. If you do, then you're welcome to say it. I fucking don't know anymore.
I feel like I'm emotionally dysfunctional. Idiotic. Honestly, like I said I don't wanna trust anymore. But when I see people trusting me, I feel bad. How could I see them as future traitors when they see me as a Nakama? I feel really bad. I wanna talk about this but it takes me hell a long of time to actually put it into words.
I may been hated, I may be looked down upon. But I seriously hate myself when I look at others as people who might hurt me. Who am I to label such awful things at people? But no matter how much I hate myself doing it, I couldn't bring the courage to break down the barrier I've made between others. In that barrier is where I reveal who I really am. In that barrier is where my real life is. If that place is hurt, I'll be seriously hurt. I don't want that to happen anymore. I don't want to be betrayed anymore and scarred. I don't want to trust anymore.
Will I ever be able to trust someone and let him/her break this barrier without being scared?
Can I let it go and take the chances to get hurt?
Should I just give up on humanity and live on as a sinful girl?
I don't know.
