Confessions Of An Idealist

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Saturday, August 30, 2008

8:33 PM

Well, my reply for jun? xD

haha I don't know, you looked like you wanted to tell me something yet you try not to. Oi, just tell me ok xD I don't tell ppl's problems. Your problems are yours to keep, I'm just here to listen (: Maybe you liked to be noticed, everybody likes to be noticed! It's just how you try to let those ppl notice you.

The very reason I dodged you was because I thought you treated disturbing me as a game. And in a game, when there's an attack there's always a dodge right! xD haha don't take it too seriously, when I dodge, just means that I'm disturbing you now xDD

Hey, when I see you I could say you could've ranted a million words to me yet you keep those million words to yourself. I think you want to be noticed because you want people to ask you "What's wrong?" so that you can actually open up to them. Like the Lean On Me song says, "Please swallow your pride if I have things you need to borrow for no one can fill those of your needs that you don't let show" so if you actually need to tell me what's wrong, just say it (: I can't fill your needs when you don't show it xD

I think I myself lost my best friend. I don't even think she treats me like a best friend. I don't know anymore if I still like her. I'm just still with her because I've known her so long and we went through so much, but there are things about her that really pisses me off. For one thing, she takes advantage of me, always. When she wants something (she doesn't NEED it), she'll expect me to do it. I'll give it to her, yeah but once in a while. When she asked for too much, I was like thinking "You want this, why not you do it? I'm trying to help, yet I'm doing 110% of the work and you're shaking leg" when I refuse, she gets pissed off at me. When I ask her for help, she says she's lazy. It really gets on my nerve. She even told me she's taking advantage of me. For another thing, she cannot keep ANYTHING to herself. When I told her "you cannot tell this to anyone" there she goes telling other ppl. When I ask her why, she said it's not a big deal. When I told her I cut, she told her MOTHER. Her mother knows mine le. When I told her I'm magirox, she told the FAM ppl. Who wouldn't get fucking pissed?

I can hands down say I don't really have a best friend, and you're the first to actually know this. Coz I'm too ashamed to tell this to others. If you wana know, I care about you the most ok. Maybe it's because I think I know how you feel. Those feelings that get you to cut, after you cut and so on. I feel like you're going through the pain I'm feeling. When I started cutting, I never thought there was such thing! I thought I was the only person in the world that does this stupid thing, to half-suicide, coz I wanna kill myself yet I don't wanna die. After 2 years of cutting, then I realised ppl actually do tt xD haha. Then I started telling ppl abt it, since it's quite acceptable to mankind(LOL).

Junichi. Don't hide yourself. You don't need to poke ppl to get their attention, you've got people who care about you ok (: I don't know about your family, but Piggy and I do. Who cares if some people ignored you? We're here, always here. And that's what important. You're important. To me, to Piggy, and Animal Farm. Who started it huh? xD Don't feel you're unimportant, coz you're so definitely not.

Friday, August 29, 2008

6:59 PM

when i read jun's blog, i rmb this song....

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you don't let show

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

So just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
Till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Lean on me...

So true mans. When you need someone to help you, just lean on me! hehe, that's why I have 2 shoulders. For me, and for you :D I don't help merely because I wanna feel good of myself, but coz you're my friend! Not anyone get to have that privilege xD And when I need someone, be there for me too!

When I look back in the past, I remember my memories, my friends, my life. The useless dump I was that always treated everyone else as dirt, I look down. I don't feel at all happy about what I've done, but like they always say, what's done is done. What's happened have happened. Life is so rife I realised it was so rife I did not manage to appreciate those around me. Before I knew it, they left me so intensely alone. I only appreciated what I've got when I've lost it from this experience. I could no longer feel "top of the world" and such. Yet, I felt happy for the very reason I am no longer the bitch I was. I am now a simple girl, someone who's able to appreciate the people around me and smile at other's achievements. I still have flaws I admit, but I am no longer ashamed of my present self. However, to be proud of my previous self is another big question.

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

10:30 PM

I've just realised how this blog has been so emo recently xD haha, oh well, I don't like not being myself on my blog. If I feel emo, then I'll write emo. Who doesn't like it, then don't read it. Stupid ppl who get pissed off but still read it should fuck off.

Was watching Gaki No Tsukai and Hey!3 for the fun of it. Was laughing my ass off xD then my mom go and scold coz it was "late" You know what time? 10.30 =.=" Late my ass la. Oh well, then I retaliated like duh, then she childishly "Do whatever you want" *heads to room, smack!*

Now I know where I got that from. Ah I don't wanna care anymore, it's my fault yeah whatever. I don't wanna fucking care la. I'm trying to study and everything, yet she scolds me cause it was late. So what I took a day off and watched Downtown? Did I do that everyday and become a pai kia? what the shit la, she should be happy I didn't turn out to be like my cousins. She should be happy I actually listened to her. She should be happy I actually study and want to aim higher, not like her who's scared of the future.

Ok now I'm getting emo today. Thanks to Downtown, my mood has gotten better. BUT because of my ofukuro, it went downer than before. Thanks dammit. Now I'm blaming myself again. If she should appreciate me, then I should appreciate her as well. I shouldn't have retaliated like that. But it's fucking not my fault la. HOW CAN I FRIGGING BECOME A "GD DAUGHTER" EVERYDAY?! ふざけん　じゃない。AT LEAST I CARE ABT MARKS LA DUHHHH! ARRRGGGGHHH EVERYTIME I BLAME HER FOR SOMETHING, I JUST BLAME MYSELF BACK. I'M FUCKING INSANE. I DON'T WANNA THINK ANYMORE. GOING TO SLEEP. NOT GONNA CARE WHAT HAPPENS TO ME. IT'S NOT LIKE I DESERVE ANYTHING ANYWAY.

Friday, August 22, 2008

2:05 PM

I look at the mirror,
I see another image of her.
The one that keeps haunting me,
The one that'll keep killing me.
A tear dragged down my cheek,
Yet a drop of emotion I could not seek,
As I wait helplessly for her to take over,
Before I knew it It was already game over.

Calamity was all I sought,
But why was frustration what I got?
The mascara smudged all over my face,
Crying I tried so hard,
Why couldn't I accept this part,
This part already carved in me,
She just won't let me free,
From all the sufferings and guilt,
Cause I'm already starting to wilt.

Inside the glass casing I banged it continuously,
But to no avail it won't break!
I watched the mayhem she's causing,
The misery they're facing,
I screamed aimlessly but she won't stop,
She snickered and she's never stopping.
"I'm you now. You stay there and shut up," was what she told me.
I cry, I beg, I plea,
But she's going to keep on hurting,
Until I stop trying.

I looked at her slitting my arm,
I looked at her crying for hours and hours.
She's the 'me' now I couldn't stop,
She's already at the top,
No one could hear my screams,
I'll go on suffering and she'll keep on gleaming.
In the glass casing I had no way out.
I stayed there and let her took control,
Soon she took over and did whatever she wanted,
I could no longer stop her urge.
And then she left and succeeded.

I looked at the mirror and stare at the other end,
I saw the red, sore eyes and arms with cuts,
I touched the cold glass,
It was no longer another girl,
It was no longer 'her',
It's just me.

Another poem I made after a LONG hiatus xD wow made me better xD a lot better. Heh, about this girl who actually believes someone is taking over her, she can't get out and that girl changed her. When that girl left, she returned and could no longer change back to her original self, as that girl already changed her. Yeah it's about multiple personality disorder, but with a bit of self-mutilation and depression.

If anyone can feel that pain I feel, then you're my nakama (: I'm with you whoever you are, we feel the same pain and the same pleasure, know you're not alone. Some people just won't show their pain, just know you're not alone. There's other people like you, and you're gonna be ok (:

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Now playing: Avril Lavigne - Keep Holding On
via FoxyTunes

Thursday, August 21, 2008

11:19 PM

Blogging again? well, found out I got 11/30 for my a maths! I saw it coming though xD coz I study a maths, then a lot of e maths come out T.T nvm, my e maths still quite gd xD

Watched a few stuff, 33pun tantei is not as gd as I thought la x.X Domoto isn't so hot in the drama, but he's TOOO cute xD haha, it's for siao people who wanna laugh their asses off.

I WANNA COSPLAYYYY~~ Ok, thanks to MOUSE and CARTOON KAT-TUN, I want to cosplay. WAT THE HEELLLSSS~~ xDD but seriously, I want to xD one big problem, anybody look like me? xD haha, don't think so la. That's the saddest part, but I think if I had to lose weight to cosplay, I will xD

Oh ya, for everyone to know. 僕はもう大丈夫です。Don't so scared I'm gonna cut or whatever, coz I'm fine. Well, I think xD haha, but anyway, I feel a lot better than yesterday ((: I don't wanna think about it coz when I do, I feel so horrible I wanna do something drastic to myself. So, I'm not gonna think about it. If I'm meant to cut again, then I will. But I strongly doubt so, it's been 1 year and 5 mths since I've quitted. Such a long time.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

8:45 PM

Hey! Blogging (again) yo give messages to people I meet everyday. Lol~

Fuzzy: Hey girl. I miss you alot larhs. I mean, the last time we met you were like so far away from me. I feel like we're breaking apart, alot. Maybe we've changed and all, but I still wanna be your bestie. Forever, right? Thinking of all those times we went through, I tak nak kiter dua fade away. Coz if I lose you, I don't know who will make me feel special again ): You're like, actually the only person I trust fully. Even if I tell you anything, I will have no doubts you'd betray me or anything. I know you long enough, I hope you know me long enough too (:

Siyi: Well, here's your reply xD Um, you sure you're okay? That's good leh! Wah, so pro le. So fast ^^ Siyi pro pro!! If you need anything, don't forget to sms me ok. Don't shy shy hor~ We've known each other since Sec 1 right? So yeah, a friend in need is a friend indeed (: Email me or msg ok, don't scared. If you get irritating, I'll tell you don't worry xD haha, I don't want you to go through all those shit I did ): so yeah, I'll be there to listen ^^ If you believe I understand, then everything will be okay de. You have my word (: Don't forget, I'm here! Wahahah, I don't really tell that to anyone =P btw, abt ur anime and sleep comment, I've been doing that for one year. Now I scared I can't control myself T.T stupid thought x.X

Danielle: lol. What am I supposed to do. "Hey dandan, I emo le. Help me??" T.T I don't know la, things are getting too confused for me already. I feel like killing myself because I don't understand myself. RETARDED LEH! Anw, thanks for telling me stuff I don't. It helps, really. I just need someone with education to tell me bio crap what's happening to me xD haha, must teach me to cry ok? (: oh yeah, don't so annoyed with him ok. He's just trying to get your attention I guess, cannot so unfair to him ^^ Love everyone the same, babe (:

Christin: Takooo~~!!!! Wahhh, you're really fun to be with man! There's just this one thing I still havne't get from you, you don't tell me about you. YOU! Your life. What's happening and all that, you don't tell me. If you wanna tell me, go ahead. Everyone does that! haha, my brain won't explode de ^^ Be sure to know who're your real and fake friends ok (:

Dini: Neko ar... well, you still have to figure yourself out first xD Actually, I unexpectedly know more than you think =P It's ok if you wanna tell me your frustrations la, if you sound too selfish I'll tell you. haha so get ready first! haha xD You ar, seriously don't need to be scared of anything. Don't stop yourself form doing anything, and just go for it. When you go overboard, I'll smack you off ^^

Animal Farm: My family (: Let us suffer pain and loss tgt! We rock, and we do! uh uh, nobody will tell us otherwise. They should stop being so loquacious. They're only making innane conversations we should not care about! We may be tyros, but who cares? We're tgt and that's what matters! Yeah!

4:56 PM

Woohoo today was so boring it was actually enjoyable. Lol? I learnt a lot of things today. Errrr, O lvl stuff, ACES dance, some English word I've forgotten and a bit of Chem.

Erm O lvl maths. Beh asked us to do maths so I just did it, then I thought today was BEH DAY so I didn't bring any maths. Ended up he gave us Maths QAMS and I was like T.T Today was supposedly Beh Day leehhh T.T But ok la, I "suffered" through it, with a bit of music xD Honestly, if I don't listen to the music, I will sleep and get SOOO bored in class la, I think he knows xD I'll only listen if it'll make me pay attention (:

ACES dance. I LOVE THE CRISS CROSS thingy! I don't know why Sec 4s hate it, but I find it nicer than last year (: Well, I think Estehr was a bit disappointed I said it >_< ahh gosh, shouldn't have said that x.X *self-blaming again* anw, I find it fun. Then played badminton with my dominant hand. Realised I was actually much better, with a little bit of practice xD Gwen is still ever so cute in badmintion xD

Chem... err, normal stuff. balancing equations whatever shit la. Don't care ler, just slept at the end xD BORING LA!!! I STILL HAVEN'T GOT MY TEST MARKS! Grr, I don't care if i sucks xD ok actually I do xD

____________________________________________________________________

Today, wanted to go to *** but to no avail T.T Maybe I should just go without Piggy, I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't go at all. GRRRR!!! Ok fine, don't think and I won't get agitated. Oh yeah, reminds me..

DO YOU ALL WANNA KNOW WHAT THAT HAMMY AND SOTONG DO TO ME AFTER SCHOOL? YOU ALL WANNA KNOW?Lol, they go and make me miss my stop, THEN they leave me in the bus. WTF le! I got so pissed off I don't know why!!! Whatever, I don't care anyway. If I snap, then it's their problem. Just hope I don't tear off their clothes, really.

One time I snapped, I flipped everything upside down. The tables, chairs, everything. Imagine the chaos (: I think I broke some stuff, oh well. I don't care, I already warned people about me snapping. You wanna make me snap, you ask for it. Hope you're alive after the disaster ((:

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Now playing: Metro Station - Shake It (Album Version)
via FoxyTunes

Monday, August 18, 2008

8:10 PM

I'm back to blogging again! yeah I fasted today, 2 more days to go! Lol, it pisses me off when so many people don't actually care about all these religious thingys. I mean, hello?! who is going to help you when you die? Money? Ppl? Well??!! haha I say this, but I don't pray =P xD

anyway, today was total crapness. Ugh, was so happy today ended. I mean, rlly. Nth gd happened today. I just told Danielle my problems (refer to previous post) and she was like "Why don't you stop helping ppl for a while and help yourself first?" honestly, I'm scared. I might really be siao but I don't know. I'm so confused! I don't even know what's happening to me. I can't cry, can't yell, can't tell ppl what I'm feeling, can't DO ANYTHING! Argh, this is pissing me off. I need to know what's happening. It's killing the crap OUT OF ME!

I'm scared. I don't trust myself, at all! I even agreed to follow my Mom go JP because I'm scared I'll do something out of my own hands. I even wanted to knock myself out or smth so that I won't do something crazy. Aren't I siao or something? I, surprisingly have suicidal thoughts x.X haven't had that in years! SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!

When I think if I should stop helping, I think I just can't. It's my only source of self-esteem. I can't live on knowing I'm not helping anyone. I don't know, Piggy tells me I need to stop all this and help myself first. but, am I really worth it? Should I really try and save myself? I DON'T KNOW!!! She tells me before I can help people, I need to help myself. BUT I'M SCARED. That stupid PTSD.

Living in life where you're scared of yourself, when you'd rather chain yourself up than let yourself go around freely. This is not life. It just isn't. I need someone. I'm sorry I'm so selfish, but now I really need someone. Stop this confusion, coz it's killing me like crazy. I can't cry and let anything out, then I get frustrated, then I want to cry, but I CAN'T!

Someone tell me. I know I'm so selfish to just ask this, but I can't live on with this kept in my chest. I have for 9 years, now I'm at my limit. I can't do this anymore. I'm scared I'll start cutting again, I'm scared I'll kill myself, I'm scared I'll hurt even more people. I want to change, but those parts of my life just don't change.

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Now playing: Linkin Park - Numb
via FoxyTunes

Sunday, August 17, 2008

3:21 PM

Warning: This post is only for those who care.
I'm going to pour everything out of my heart, so yeah if you got time to waste, then read. If you want to know what problem I'm facing, then read. Other than that, you're welcomed to leave.

In my life, things come and go. I might treasure you, but will you treasure me too? When I'm in pain, will you also be in vain? When I cry, will you cry? If I die, then will your memories of me die too?

I realised. People are not as I think they are. They are one scary kind. じつは僕は自分でこわいい。僕は嫌いだった。I just told someone abt my PTSD. shit, anw it means Post Traumatic Stress disorder. I never tell anyone abt tt memory which haunts me until now. I WILL never tell anyone about the memories I have been suffering for more than 1o years. I'm scared, if anyone finds out. If anyone finds out about what I've done, what will happen to me? I might die. That's why I never tell anyone about it, never EVER.

I don't know myself anymore. One moment I'm laughing, the next I'm crying. I don't even dare to look at myself when I'm crying. I don't even want to let myself cry. I can't cry anymore. I can't forgive others, nor myself. I can't trust others, nor myself. I see myself as somebody I don't know. It's as if I want to touch that person on the other side of the mirror and know her, coz I don't. Somebody tell me what's going on.

Even when I have people to tell me "Just tell me your problems" yet I don't. Yet I keep it all inside, pretend I'm okay and suffer alone. WHY AM I THIS WAY? WHY CAN'T I TRUST THE FRIENDS THAT CAN HELP ME? I hate myself, I hate all that I am. I hate myself because knowing of all the sins I've did, I still keep on living as if I've done none. I hate myself trying to help others when I can't do a single thing. It's been such a long time since I tell others this, but I really hate myself.

I'm sorry if I'm a burden. I'm sorry if you got pissed off reading this. But this has been inside me all this while. I want to cry it out, but I can't. I want to yell it out, but I can't. I want to spit it out, I also can't. Even in this post, not all is exposed but I've tried to my fullest. Someone tell me what's going on with me, somebody tell me this stupidity that I'm going through.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

1:21 PM

戻りました!　The wedding was TIRING, but well I'm happy for my cousin and cousin-in-law. They couldn't choose a more cliche day! x.X I was like complaining "MY TEST ON TUESDAY! I NEED TO STUDY!" lol.

Aft NDP, I immediately went to my cousin's house. To my amazement, my family still haven't arrived =.=" diao! anw aft that, we did practically nth. I just helped put the eggs inside this glass thingy where we hand it out to ppl. Then I asked my auntie, "why give eggs?" She said, "so they can have more kids." -_- err....?

after that we older kids talked abt stuff. Then went home and dozed off~~ ahh so tiring.

THE NEXT DAY IS TOTALLY BORING, THERFORE I'LL SKIP! xD

Oh yeah, have you heard HSJ's Your Seed? I love the meaning of the song man! And the dance moves x.X They get harder moves than their senpais!

[PV] Hey!Say!JUMP - Your Seed
Uploaded by ya3genshiro

Believe yourself you can get it on
Believe yourself you can make it up
Believe yourself shinjirun da(believe in yourself)
Believe yourself jibun jishin( Believe in your very self)

Believe yourself you can get it on
Believe yourself you can make it up
Believe yourself shinjirun da (believe in yourself)
Believe yourself saigo made (Believe in yourself till the very end)

Aimai na uwasa yori jibun (Rather than believing what others say)
Shinjite mireba ii ja nai (Ain't it ok to just believe in yourself?)
Hontou ni yaritai koto kara (All the things you wanna do)
Kimi wa nigeterun ja nai? (Aren't you just running away from them?)

Jinsei nante ieba (Saying how life is)
Mune ni omoku hibiku kedo (Makes it echo heavily inside)
Suki na mono suki to ieru (Saying what you like to do)
Yuuki dake wa tebanashitara dame dayo (Don't lose the courage to do so)

Akiramenai kimi ga ireba (If you just won't give up)
Donna toki mo CHANCE wa aru (You'll always get a chance anytime)
Monogatari wa owaranai (Your story won't ever end)
Never ending story yume wa tsuzuiteku (Your dream will continue)
Never ending story yume wa tsuzuiteku (Your dream will continue)

Believe yourself you can get it on
Believe yourself you can make it up
Believe yourself shinjirun da (Believe in yourself)
Believe yourself jibun jishin (Believe in your very self)

Believe yourself you can get it on
Believe yourself you can make it up
Believe yourself shinjirun da (Believe in yourself)
Believe yourself saigo made (Till the very end)

Reisei na taido yori motto (Rather than acting recklessly)
Midarete mitemo ii ja nai (Ain't it ok to act calmly?)
Shinchou ni ikite mo kokoro wa (Following what your heart desires)
Shigeki motometerun ja nai?　(Isn't your heart just searching for encouragement?)

Eien nante iuto (Saying what freedom is)
Kyuu ni tooku mieru kedo (It just seems so far away)
Shiawase wa nanika wo ou (Running after some sort of happiness)*
Michi ga areba kanjirareru mono dayo (You'll feel it when there's a path)*
*if you combine it together it means "if there's a path where you can run after your happiness, you'll be sure to feel it"

Koko de wa nai soko e yukeba (It won't be here but if you go there)
Koko ni wa nai nanika ga aru (Surely, there'll be something you haven't obtained)
Kimi ga kimi wo shinjitara (If you just believe in yourself)
Never ending story yume wa tsuzuiteku (You dream will continue)

Akiramenai kimi ga ireba (If you just won't give up)
Donna toki mo CHANCE wa aru (You'll always get a chance anytime)
Monogatari wa owaranai (Your story won't ever end)
Never ending story yume wa tsuzuiteku (Your dream will continue)
Never ending story yume wa tsuzuiteku (Your dream will continue)

Believe yourself you can get it on
Believe yourself you can make it up
Believe yourself shinjirun da(believe in yourself)
Believe yourself jibun jishin( Believe in your very self)

Believe yourself you can get it on
Believe yourself you can make it up
Believe yourself shinjirun da (believe in yourself)
Believe yourself saigo made (Believe in yourself till the very end)

Lyrics provided by jpopasia and translation by me xD who says I can't translate? I just need more time to stare at the kanji and a kanji dictionary! haha xD My first translation so it can't be solid good (:

jun: LOL what do you expect?! I need time to translate ok! xD Well, let's just hope I don't ever snap x.X I'd hate to. There was a time I snapped at a teacher and it got me into helluva trouble!
Atique Ross: Sure will!
XiaoXing>: LOL Zhu mah you! hahaha xD

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

9:56 PM

back to blogging. hmmm maybe this blog will turn emo for a while, but no worries~! It'll be back and shining in no time~! I bet xD Ok by Hammy's request xDD

Jun: you didn't die becoz of the SS test right? xD eh gd tt u changed! Well, same for you too. If you've got some problem, just tell me or give me a call. You know I won't tell anyone. An advice is optional, if you can just listen it's ok too (: anws, you know I'm with you hors. If you got some problem, whether it's pai kia or just emotional, you can tell me. I might not be able to help, but I think just knowing someone is there for you makes it a whole lot better, right? Well, I'm here for you =D
XiaoXing: aiyoo tag more la~!!! must learn from jun, see she tag a lot i reply a lot. Hmph, I give you 4 sentences only. muhahaha!

thinking back, I was the girl wanting help, screaming at the top of my lungs (illiterally) I wanted people to care for me, I wanted people to help me in some way or another, yet I didn't know. There is only so much I did know. Without him, who knows I could still have been cutting until now, or worse. When I turn back time in my head, was it the right choice? Was there something I could've done differently? I don't know. I still don't know, but what I know is I don't need to find people to care for me. I don't need to when there are still these people surrounding me called "friends".

Piggy keep saying she wants me to be me. I think now I know. NOW I know why I've been changing myself from time to time. I always try to change myself, erasing all the flaws I can. Have you heard of PTSD? Check it out, coz you don't know if you got it. I realised I had it, I think I've "cured" but the way how I think of myself is still the same. That's why I wanna help people, I want to do all the best I could for others. I'm just like him, Naoto from Maou. Someone who's heart is scarred because of the sins done which are just unforgivable. Therefore he tries to be good, then maybe Kami-sama will forgive him. Inside, he'll just keep asking till he die "Have Kami-sama forgiven me?"Just like me.

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Now playing: Changin'
via FoxyTunes

Saturday, August 2, 2008

5:13 PM

In life, there are good times and bad.
In life, there'll be when you're happy or mad.
But throughout those emotions comes our experience,
And from experience that'll make you a better person.

Had a fight with my おふくろ　again. What's wrong with me? Like, everytime we'll just fight =.= It sucks, and the end of every fight I'll be self-blaming. UGH I don't fucking care anymore, coz when I do I'll get emo again.

I wanna write a story! Grr... but I have too many storylines to choose from x.X this sucks!!! ARGH, ok I sound a lot more agitated than normal.. =.=

ok. Let's get this straight. You know what I want. Therapy. Fucking therapy, something that can make me spit out what I'm feeling. Coz I'm SICK, I'm fucking SICK of keeping them all inside and not knowing how to say what I feel. IT SUCKS AND I WANNA STOP IT!

But you know what's stopping me? My family. I don't want my Mom to just explode and blame herself because I want therapy. I don't want my Mom and Dad to go on fighting all because of me. I don't want that. That'll suck. Now I don't know what to do...

What would you do when a million emotions are flooding your head but you have no idea how to say, who to say it to, and when?