Wednesday, May 30, 2007
9:45 AM
hmm...nothing to do xD
I slept on this ytd night. I ask myself, what do those people want from me? At first I thought, they want me to feel miserable coz well they say a lot of mean stuff to me about me meaning they want me to feel miserable right? Then ok, I make myself miserable. And I did, as you can see from my blog, my life is pretty much scrap now. When I write miserable stuff about my life, aren't they supposed to be happy? Aren't they? I mean c'mon, all you people saying mean stuff about me must mean you want me to be sad and all that don't ya? And see what this 1 person say :
"jgn step prob kid..emo. kalau da nerdy giler babi.. accept je lar.. dun act mcm ko nk orang semuer respect ko ah.. jgn nak suroh org pity ko argh.. PLA BUTOH!!"
Okok translation : don't step prob kid....emo... If your fking nerdy, just accept it ok. Don't act like you want everybody to respect you. Don't ask for people to pity you. PLA BUTOH( ok i dono wad this means, haha it's not in the mlay dictionary. Where does this person learn the words from? I must go check THAT dictionary out)
My eyes were o.0 you want me to be happy? For once, after you say all those stuff, you want me to think my life's so great? Makes me laugh. And am I ACTING like I want pity? No, I'm saying you all are doing some wonderful job making my life miserable. Isn't that what you WANT me to feel? Geez I don't know what you all want xD And um um, if you think I'm doing something stupidly horrendous by changing a bit of my uniform, then you should just keep quiet and let me make a big fool out of myself. You don't need to be so nice informing me I'm being stupid xD And I'm so so sorry, I won't check your blog out. But thanks for checking mine =)
OK another one. This one's so damn short:
..
poser.
No need translation right?lol. I'm a poser? err ok, wait let me digest things first. If you want me to be miserable, then you should be happy I took your word that I'm emo. And do you know so many people are saying I'm so emo but it's weird ur saying I'm not? ^^V thanks,lol. I don't know what you all want you know. First say I'm emo, then when I say "Ok I'm emo, fine I am. Argh I give up telling myself I'm not" then you say I'm a poser. Ok, if I'm not wrong it's two different people tagging,but I don't know. I don't understand the IP address so much. If you're saying I'm not emo, then what am I? Poser? Why am I being poser, I don't even wear like an emo? haha I only write like one. Posers are the ones who wear like an emo but have no idea the emotion inside about emo and all that, right? And btw, emo is a state of mind not a fashion statement. So I can be emo without wearing all those blacky things. Are you saying my life's so perfect and butterflies are fluttering everywhere even when you spill darkness onto me? Do you want me to be happy and not be emo? I'm confused, really. Lemme ask you something, from the very start What do you want from me? What do you really want from me? Coz I don't see your objective. Maybe I was wrong in thinking you want my life to be miserable and all that. so now I'm asking you. I didn't block you because I want to know why you all hate me. I want to know. You're welcome to spill it out.
Labels: erm am I being too straightforward hehe sorry
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
7:24 PM
I'm really depressed,lol!
Fuzzy told me something and I got really depressed about it, I really was depressed. I feel nothing inside, I feel like I'm so empty. Hehs now feel like writing a poem again. Emo huh? If you think my blog was emo. then I don't know what you'll call it now..
Watch me cry,
Watch me die,
Watch me disappear,
Watch me leave.
I know I wasn't someone who you want to be with.
I know, I understand and I surrender.
Kill me, Slash me and be unmerciful.
Be unmerciful to me,
I don't understand why,
Are people hating me,
Why are people wanting me to go,
Why are people wanting me to not exist?
I couldn't understand why people fking hate me so much.
I know I was such a bitch.
I was such a horrible person.
But I want to change.
I want to evolve to a nice person.
I believe people can change.
Why can't you?
Why can't you believe that I could change?
Why can't you believe that I would be a nice person?
Why can't you give me a sense of hope?
Why can't you believe and hope I'd change?
Why are people making me die inside, but so alive on the outside?
I've given up.
I thought I could believe in myself.
I thought I could believe in my friends, the people I care about.
I thought if I could do things nice for once, people will see the light I see.
People will believe I can change.
People will believe I'm not the bitch I was before.
BUT THAT'S NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN!
Because I can't do something nice.
I've tried, I've tried so hard
To be nice and to be good.
I've done to my limit just for the people I care so much about.
But all my effort doesn't really matter in the end.
In the end, all my effort are a waste of my own energy.
In the end, everything that I worked for.
EVERYTHING I WISHED HAPPEN,didn't...
In the end, I still make others cry.
I still make people regret and hate themselves.
I still make people hate me.
I still am the bitch before.
I still am the little lonely girl,
waiting for someone to love her and be there for her.
Why couldn't you for once see my effort?
Why couldn't you for once smile and see the change in me?
Why couldn't you for once appreciate I'm there?
Why couldn't you for once WISHED I WOULD BE WITH YOU FOREVER AND NEVER LEAVE YOU?!
I thought I met people who appreciated my presence.
I thought I have met real friends.
Real friends who accept you for who you are and smile because of your craziness.
My real friends, didn't want me there.
My real friends, neglected my helping hand.
My real friends, wish I never existed.
My real friends, wanted me gone.
My real friends, think it's better without me.
My real friends, who are they?
Who are the people that will really appreciate me and smile at me?
Do I have to believe a miracle is going to happen,
And lie to my own self?
I don't wanna lie to myself anymore.
Who will think of me, and thank God for creating me? No one...
No one, will think of me as an angel.
I guess that person who wrote in the tagboard was right.
Why couldn't I accept myself?
Why couldn't I believe that the more I try to be nice, the more hatred comes?
I don't cut anymore.
I proudly say I don't.
All my pain, my sadness and my grief,
will be kept in me,
inside me and I'll never let it out again.
I won't let it ever consume me,
I'll let it bleed everything that exists inside,
I won't let myself feel anymore.
I won't let myself know what happiness is anymore.
All that I'll feel, is nothing.
SO EMO RIGHT?! hehe i know, but everything I write is whatever I feel personally, Fuzzy please don't feel guilty or anybody who feel guilty reading this...don't please. I'll hate myself even more. Let me cry, let me die. Let me leave, let me bleed, inside....
P.S. to Fuzzy, this poem is copyrighted, and kuroshite means "kill me"
Labels: my true emo words. COPYRIGHTED
Monday, May 28, 2007
9:20 PM
Wrd me...
Nothing happened today. Just 6 letters to describe today B-O-R-I-N-G! woke up 9am, then shower, eat, play com, play gameboy advanced (lame barbie game =,="), eat, play com, shower, play com till now. BORING right? hahax ya lar, lucky got my lappy to keep me company, and Emo to msg with. Then I figured Wei Yi angry at me >_<" hopefully he's not, but if he is, I don't fault him xD I'm just making a stand to my Bestie and what I feel tt is right. Didn't mean to be so mean, haha anyway, I'm worried (STILL) abt Fuzzy, she wanna cut and all tt. FYI, Fuzzy and Emo are the same people xD ok continuing, Wei Yi's together with Fuzzy again, nice nice happy ending blah blah ok. then she miss her dar, MaGiRoX's didi, so I pity her lar. Miss her maid and me (XD dono if tt's true lol)She went to NUS today and got so bored she msged me while I'm doing nothing so she kept me company for awhile. In fact, she msging with me till now haha. Now, I have to iron my uniforms for the National Maths Olympiad tmr, ARGH I don't wanna go lol. Why do I have to go anyway?? LOL becoz I'm in 2E2 =.=" plz lar, other people in the lower classes are cleverer than me ask them to go lolx don't even feel lyk going, no mood. I'm tired, I can't do much things right, I can't control myself nowadays, I'm worried abt hell so many things, I'm having bad luck for these few days STRAIGHT, I regret on so much now, my room is a total mess with dirty clothes lying all over, paper and books everywhere and emptied bags just lying anywhere and a messy bed, I haven't iron my uniform shyt, I haven't started on PW, I haven't save money yet zZzZzZzZzZz, I HAVEN'T I HAVEN'T I HAVEN'T!!
Grr I don't wanna iron my clothes lol. So damn lazy xD I keep thinking about my friends. Fuzzy, Dini, Siyi, Wei Yi, Danielle, etc. Abt their problems and how they cope with it. It sucks to me coz I encourage them to tell me their problems and when I do, it sucks when you feel there's so much going on and you can't do anything about it. They have their own invidual problems, but they wake up each morning forgetting and smiling to everyone, when misery and suffering is all they feel inside. Take Fuzzy for example. She alwaes kana scold by her mom, whereby I don't get tt usually and sometimes when my mom scolds me, I'll ignore her. I pity her coz I don't get scolded and she's going thru so much. Yet I call her my all-time bestie but I didn't to anything to help. And everybody else. They all have different problems. Family, relationships, and so on. But they come to school everyday smiling as if everything's all right, when everything's not. It reminds of me of the song Misery -Gd Charlotte.
~take a look around don't you see it?See tt ur the only real face in the rm no one here has a clue wad ur feeling, don't feel bad keep ur sadness alive~
Listen to it and you'll know. I alwaes know when Fuzzy has a problem, it's just natural. But no one can tell if I'm troubled. They'll never know when I truly wanna cut and truly wanna die. They never know, unless I tell them. Only so far one person is able to tell if I'm troubled or not, he's gone. Besides him, not a creature of God can tell anything real about me. Nobody truly knows, my darkness, my evil mind and all that. No one knows, I feel like I'm born to be evil. Because when I wanna do evil, I can make a perfect slick plan right away. I can make anybody even the strongest person around cry. I can take away one's self-esteem to 0. I can do that. I can step to anyone and scare them. I can, but I hate doing that. I hate being able to scare others and make others hate me. That's why I don't do that anymore. I don't make people hate me and wish I was dead. But my past doings are done. haha maybe people would think I'm crazy to think this way, but it's true. I can make someone feel so guilty he/she would die to get rid of tt feeling. I can be mean, really mean at times. I feel like I'm worse than Satan. I found out when I was really young abt 9, the easy way to scare someone without doing anything much is be tough. Don't act tough, be tough. So wad if you're a girl, that person who challenged you is a wimp. All you gotta do is kik tt person down. All you gotta do is show them who's boss and they're out. Self esteem, that's all it took to be mean and evil. Being tough and acting tough are different things. Being tough is showing you got guts and telling tt person "Come fuck me if you wanna get your butt kicked" Acting tough is telling that person " You're big but i'm not scared." That's acting tough. Being tough is making sure that person looks like one big fat loser. Acting is just crap. Oh well, everything I write here is crap. haha so wadeva..
Sunday, May 27, 2007
7:13 PM
nothing much today
Today was alright. Ytd had rock climbing, was some BLAST! fun alright, but tiring. I was shivering and I was dam dam dam slow. Ahahas I pity the belayer lol. Then reached my Grandma's house at 8.10pm and shower, had dinner then play sims 2 pets for an hr. then 10pm too tired went to sleep. The next day, I'm having 2 religious exams. Arabic and History Of Islam. My History textbk was nowhere to be seen, then I realised it's at home, not at my Granny's house. haha so nvr study, lol anyhow write crap xD then went home, wait for my 2 cuzzies to finish playing b4 I play haha. My older cuzzie, was breaking some laws and told me to smoke cigarrettes. My face was =O " no way lar Abang(bro) u siao ar? I express student lar, I don't do this kind of thing. I not like you or all the cuzzies I have lar" He diao lorr lolx. Coz ALL of my cuzzies are kinda ganstery tt kind lorr. Then he say he started smoking at 13, and my other cuzzie even earlier. So he encouraged me to smoke oso, I say go to hell! LOL I hope I won't end up like them coz I don't wanna get in trouble LIKE them. hahas he has a packet of cigarettes with him, I say "Go finish it yourself. While I play Sims 2 pets" haha. then nothing lorr. I play sleep, eat and play again. Then shower and go home lolx. Now at home blogging. boring larrs, then see other people's blog. heehees. Then got my pic from Wei Lin's blog haha. See lar, but my hair very messy lols. Too much climbing haha.
see how ugly I am!!! lol my messy hair >_<"
Labels: muahahha
Thursday, May 24, 2007
2:07 PM
ordinary bt special day
Today was ok, quite boring. first time kana caught using my hp, but once only so it's ok lar. Then today whole day Leadership thingy, this follow-up is funner than the first one, which is totally boring lar. Then Dini nvr come, hope she come tmr coz tmr got D-Gig, can't wait to see. Hope to see Sec 2s coz last yr, no Sec 1s. Well, usually every yr no Sec 1s selected in finals, but quite alot of sec 2/3s so hopefully get to see ppl i know on stage tmr.
Then went home and see Emo Darl's blog. Ok, on audition I told her about why the whole school hates me and all that story tt happened last year. Then she kinda stood up for me. How nice =) well, at least somebody loves me :) i love u too darl. In a sista way lolx. Go read it, her blog is my last link. She's awesome, if only she could see it. Mirrors can lie too well to convince her. She's some great girl, but some bastards are telling her the total opposite. SOME bastards lar xD anws, I alwaes tell her that everything'll be ok and I'll be there for her anytime she needs me. I worry her a lot lar, she's been looking at the penknife for some time, coz SOMEBODY pulled down her self-esteem.heehee oklar not totally ur fault LOL but I worry for her. Can't even do simple things, alwaes get distracted b the thoughts of her. When I get the thought of her cutting, I feel like chopping myself up into pieces. Chopping my head, then my arms and legs. I can't stand the thought of her cutting, it's just way too big for me to handle. I really can't forgive myself. I put her into this position. If I did something, if I didn't tell her abt me cutting, maybe she wouldn't be thinking about all this now. If I had done something and become a better person, she wouldn't have to go through all this alone. If I did, if I had done, if I could, but I can't. I didn't, I haven't done now she has to go through all this misery and suffer. God, please assist her like how you assisted me. Please give her your hidayat and tell her not to do it. I plead of you, to take care of her and guide her through this hard youth she's going through. You gave me your hidayat alhamdulilah, please guide her too. She needs guidance and your guidance can make a big difference. Amin.
And darl, they didn't pull me down. Well, not anymore at least. It's been a long time, so I'm ok now. They can fk off, like I care. I only care abt you and my frenzies and bestiex coz they're all I need to live, with my family of course =D If you weren't there for me through all this years, I wouldn't have gone this far now. Thanks :)
WEEE tmr last day of school. YEA FREEDOM! MUAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA can have fun and chill. Relax and go for some HOLIDAE!! Well, I'm not going anywhere, but who cares?! I have everybody and everything I need with me here, I don't need to go nowhere. I'm here and here's where the best place I can relax. wakakkakakakakakakakakakakakaka I'm siao, lolz. No money >_<" but I'll save and bribe my mom, hopefully xD To everybody, hope you have an awesome June school holiday and rmb to come for IT thingy! lol don't syiok too much until forgot,haha. While I waste electricity using lappy till midnight or later! and wake up when the sun is shining brightly LOLx. Or even I can bring my lappy to my Granny's hse then sleep there. WOOHOO she has this awesome game and btw, she's a rawking Grandma she has a PS2 and have abt 3 wrestling games, Yakuza game(season 2 buying soon) abt 5 football games, Sin 7 game(playboy game lol) The Urbs (like Sims but spoilt :( sobs) and some other. Rlly cool now her latest game is SIMS 2 PETS!! It's rlly rlly rlly fun to play, if you do know how to play. It's more challenging and better than normal Sims. If you know how to play it, then you'll think the game's awesome. But if you don't, you'll think it's a piece of crap. I once did,. then I learnt how to play and got addicted. muahahahhahahahah wanna play!! lol
Fuzzy told me she thinks that Wei Yi read my blog.. My reaction :**jaw drops n unable to pick up** rlly I wouldn't have tot he'd read, if he did READ LOR!!! LOL i write for him oso xD if he didn't oso not much difference. muahahahahahhahahaha
Labels: muahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha post xD
Monday, May 21, 2007
6:39 PM
mahwawahahaha i'm not emo,haters! bt i am labelled so,i am emo i guess XD
You scored as Goth. Your A Goth!
What Group Are You? What Group Are You? Chav, Rocker, Skater, Emo, Goth, Trendy, Prepy Ect created with QuizFarm.com |
You scored as Nerdy Girl.
What type of girl are you?!! created with QuizFarm.com |
You scored as Nice. Your nice. Please rate my quiz!=.="
what kind of person are you? (shy,outgoing,fun, mean,immature,dramatic or nice?) created with QuizFarm.com |
| You scored as Emo Kid. You listen to emo. Nuff said. You know how to dress. You usually feel as if nobody understands you.
What Highschool Clique Do You Belong To? created with QuizFarm.com |
 | You scored as Eyes full of Pain. People tend to overlook you, which makes you feel less worthy of their attentions. You sometimes wish you could just disapear from the world around you. You have been hurt very badly in the past and you just wish that someone would understand you, and what their cruelty is doing to you.
What do your eyes reveal about you?(PICS!) created with QuizFarm.com |
| You scored as Smart/Classy Bitch. You are a SMART/CLASSY BITCH! No matter what, you always get respect! You aren’t afraid to speak your mind about anything to anyone. You also intimidate everyone around you when you speak! (I’m scared of you!)
WHAT BITCH R U? created with QuizFarm.com |
| You scored as Cute without the 'E' - Taking Back Sunday. You are "Cute without the E" by Taking Back Sunday. You have been hurt in the past and it's messed with your head quite a bit. You care about your friends more than anything in the world, and tend to have mood swings, you go from overly happy to overly depressed very quickly. You love and refuse to stop believing in the people you love - you can't let them go.
What emo/rock song are you? created with QuizFarm.com |
Labels: lol
4:05 PM
fking emo h8ers
I'm officially emo ytd on the 20th May 2007. Nothing happened as school today, muahahahaha kana bully as alwaes at school. but I no reaction so they stop XD they alwaes poke me, choke me, give me some rlly painful "massage" and stuff. I don't care lar, I don't rlly mind. I kana bully oso quite fun lol unless if I'm doing something and they're disturbing me. Hmm... I'm mad-er at Wei Yi he really lar, fucking idiotic fucker!!! Grrr ok cool... sighs, he rlly lar, want a smack from EmOIstIc pUnkrOckIngEEk. I wanna smack him so hard his jaw fly off like some boomerang ar! haha muahahahaha ok I'm mean(EVIL!), and when I'm mean(EVIL!) I only mean(err... u kno wad i mean right XD) half of what I write XDD hahas anws, I'm still angry at him and even more angry lar. He rlly... UGH!!! You are, wa lau. I talk like nobody's business ya I'm sorry, but u lar. Make people so mad at you. U fucking don't know how important you are to people. N0 IDEA DUDE! fk lar, argh I sms u oso nvr reply, waste my 5c lar! Eeyer gif me back that 5c. Shinne boke! You want me to go there with a baseball bat and hit u as hard as I can?!! Ok I not that mean or brave but I wanna smack you!!!! Wa lau u make me angry so many times lar, fucker! I hope u feel so guilty, becoz u deserve it man! Call ppl hopeless even when they got better marx, and thinking somebody's angry at u when they're NOT!! She oso dono you want that com lab seat right?! Fk lar coz of one stupid com lab seat oso need make ppl angry issit?! U rlly lar, I wanna eat you up ARGH!!!! Got 40+ com seats, nid to go to ONE typical seat issit?! Somebody take so go somewhere else lar kozo! That oso I need to teach issit?! You make somebody who care abt u, no 2 ppl who care abt u pissed off so much because of you. Like you care abt me lar!
ARGH!! I think my lappy keyboard spoiling oredy coz I typing so hard lar! You nvr even say sorry or anything, expect somebody to smile at you and thinking you're so nice! Come let me teach you this word S-O-R-R-Y! Go and try it in your daily things coz you'll need lots of it lar! Fuzzy oso dono you want that seat lar. Want to be angry at her for wat? She's not angry at u lar I'M angry at u not her. So you can be angry at me, not her lar boke! Look who's typing here?!! Em0IstIc pUnkrOckIngEEk, not DarkEmoPrincess.
Ok, I'm sorry for all the mean things I've said to you. I'm really sorry, but I am still angry at you. I hope I don't hurt your feelings too much because that's really mean of me, but can you please just be your nice self again? Be so grumpy for what? I know lar, you have this major problem. It's affecting you, I think xD You can tell me if you want, I'll be there anytime, u kno my number. But please lar, be nice can anot?! I know I'm not treating you nicely. I'm sorry, I will if you will too. I'm just pissed, she really thought that "hopeless" thingy was 100% truth fact like she read it in some textbook you know. Just please say sorry leh. You know you're not supposed to call her that, it decreases her self-esteem a lot u know. Btw, u r more important to her than me. I know that oredy. But I don't care. I did some research, u r way more important to her than me. So I don't have that much power as much as you to change her mood. If you keep treating her like this, I can be some murderer in future u know. xD You know what you need to do. If you keep wanting to be angry, then you are some guy
Labels: The sun will never shine on me like it did yesterday
Friday, May 18, 2007
8:34 PM
hmm... ok dae?
Today was ok. I have my marks which are D-E-P-R-E-S-S-I-N-N-G!!! omfg I studied for absolute nothingness thanks Fate, I deserved these marks xD ok I didn't study so I slacked but I DID study a bit. Geez Geog 47.5/100 Science 59/100 Lit 31.5/50(actually it's supposed to be 55 total score muwawa bt the techer nvr believe me.or maybe she didn't realise the pencil notes i wrote for her xD sobs) DnT 40.5/100 SOBS leh. rlly sad nias, I think I got lowest for History and Geog for my class >_<" and I'm top 50 of the whole level last yr, gawd I dropped. Then go to syg's hse and had fun, go lot 1 return the CDs go home shower play lappy till now =D Nt much lar, I'm rlly depressed coz of my marks. The worst I had so far was 1 fail, and now 4 fails!!! Argh ok maybe I can make an excuse which is my 2 wks MC making me bad bad but it doesn't change the fact that I FAILED 4 SUBS AND HAVE 3 Cs! OK I'm going to go siao! Eh no nid I siao oredy xD nvm nvms... Tmr Greenridge Sec Fun Fair. I was looking 4ward to it from a long time til this morning. then I got depressed, and no mood to go. bt I promise Atique n Fuzzy, so haf to go. And Danielle oso. haish haish fk fk fk fk fk fk fk wanna stop time but can't. T_T I no mood until never online MSN xD if you did notice =)
WATCHED NOBUTA WO PRODUCE EPI 3! ok I found out the spoilt boy's name, Akira. like the electronics's brand xD. I got some nice quotes too:
Nobuta:I was digging for a long time on my own like a mole underground and then suddenly you two came. Will I get to meet these kind of ppl in future?
Nobuta:If so it won't be so bad digging by myself...
Akira:you'll meet different people =)
Shuuji:And one day you'll never see them again.
Shuuji(saying in his head): I was actually shocked that nobuta and akira who i tot was stupid could actually make such a good thing. I was rlly shocked.when tmr cums the classroom will be usual. Nobuta will be picked on again. Akira will be annoying and i will be popular. Tts nt supposed to change bt I was worried. I was worried abt myself who had nothing.
Rlly true quotes and I found this quote from Nobuta:
the chance of you meeting that person is
like a miracle
even when you go into the light
don't let go of that hand
Meaning when you meet someone who has helped you and you succeeded, don't leave that person alone because it is not what he/she deserved. Never let go of them cause you'll never know what'll happen if you do.
hahas I guess this is the end of my post =D
Thursday, May 17, 2007
8:50 PM
Long time nvr post hehe
long time never post coz well, exam mah. And no time, everything very bad nowadays hahax. Miss a lot of ppl!! ><" I wanna go cinema but every1 either no $$$ or bz on the day I'm nt. vice versa. Haish!! I'm getting more emo abt stuff xD well coz my bestie is one, and she wants me to be emo. She actually says "you ARE emo so don't deny it, just label urself one" tts wad she said. I just grinned, maybe I should haha. Anws, my exam scores S-T-I-N-K-S!! Rlly it stinks horribly. Geez um my English got 47/80, History 37.5/100 and Maths 40/100 >_<"rlly stink right? Yep I know. haixx hope tmr get better marks, 2 papers fail oredy. SAD nias. I don't wanna go normal aced next yr like my cuzzies eeyer I wanna stay in express =P muwawa! Then depressed lor now ahax coz my marks sobs sobs!! Then just now I wanna cry liaos, but then nvr. I nvr wanna cry, crying sux so I try my best not to. I watched "nobuta wo produce" rlly gd jap drama. I picked up a few quotes from it altho I forgot now xD bt the main char, Nobuta, is h8ed n bullied by evrybody and her life sux. Then this popular guy, Shuuji and a spoilt guy, ok i forgot his name lol anw these 2 boys try their best to make her the most popular girl in school, hard but they are doing well. I'm only in episode 2 haha but I am loving it. Nobuta says:
"No matter how much I change, nothing will change"
"I'm supposed to live in a world I'm not supposed to live in...forever. A world that never ends, just keeps going on and on and on"
Shuuji says:
"If you change nothing, nothing will change."
"You cannot give up when you haven't even begin"
"If you stop now, you will never know what happens next. So keep going on =)"
I love these quotes, first episode and I almost cried haha. Nobuta's first quote totally makes sense to me. No matter how much I will change, nothing else will. Even if I become perfect and nice, everybody will still hate me and detest me and wished I was dead. But the thing is, I can't even be nice, how could I be perfect? So all I could do is smile everyday and tell myself "It's ok and everything will be alright" but nothing is alright. I keep lying to myself, knowing some day I won't trust myself anymore. I can't ever be the person I want to be.
I stare at the mirror, and hate what I see. I could not bear staring at the mirror for 1-2 minutes becoz it'll hurt my eyes and my eyes will be all watery. If you don't like what you see, what would you do? I take everything in me, telling myself I deserved everything thrown at me, telling myself not to insult them becoz they don't deserve it. If they deserved insults, then what do I deserve? Everyday I smile, telling others my life is as perfect or better than yours but I don't know if that's true. I go home everyday knowing my parents don't care, I've never talked to my father in the weekdays not even a "Hi" I mostly ignore my mom at home, just do my own things until 6 when i eat, bath and fetch my siblings. Take them home, do my own things. I never get to communicate with anybody except in school, never get to smile or have a "family" In the weekends, I go to my Granny's hse and stay there till Sunday. Sunday go to Madrasah and go home. Do my hw and sleep for tmr. This cycle revolves till now. This is my life. Stinks? I don't know, might not be. I don't get caned, or abused but I was never even there at home. I feel like I'm fading away from this real world. I'm not real. I'm just somebody that roams around this Earth.
Will the world rlly become a better place if punkrockingeek wasn't there?
Was punkrockingeek supposed to be dead?supposed to nvr socialise?
Is punkrockingeek doing the right thing by not cutting and living life as if nothing happened in the past?
Should punkrockingeek leave forever so as to make sure everyone will be smiling knowing everyday will be fine?
Everyday I know I'm not supposed to be alive, I know I'm supposed to become "the invisible gerl" and just roam around pretending not to be there. So everyday I wake up, knowing that day is another day those people will see me, will hope I wasn't there. I'm sorry, I just had to be there...
Labels: i must never cry
Friday, May 11, 2007
5:46 PM
hmm...y am i posting again?lol
Ok I know 3 posts a day is stupid XD but I just need to write haha. Well coz I read my tagboard =D finally a means that it's not dead,lol. A hater of mine tagged,hehe like I said in the other post. It's as if kau care kat aku,lol. tapi of coz not lar kan. hehe yuppies I know I'm a nerd(geek) I don't mind lar. Aku accept,bkn aku tk. Mmg aku nerd, or geek, and yes yerlah aku ni teruk kan. Kau tk baca post aku to my haters tu?Aku mmg teruk, and aku mmg benci diri aku sendiri, haha bodoh lar aku. So I don't fault u if u hate me as well. I don't. Aper lagi eh?Um, ya maybe I don't have any problems cuma step ajer. hehes entah lar, maybe. Aper lar, kau ckp aku tk accept yg aku ni terok. Aper jer, aku sampai buat perkara bodoh sebab aku pikir diri aku ni teruk sgt. Tk tahu tkper. Org tk nk respect aku pon aku biarkan. Aku pon tk respect org, bkn lar tk respect semuanya cuma tk respect a certain amt of ppl. Those are like, adults lar. Um aku tk nk org pity aku. Sebab it kinda shows I'm weak lar. Jadi aku tk suka org pity aku, same like aku tk nk jadi emo. Kalau aku emo, nanti org think of me as weak. Aku tk suka, but if I AM emo then I'll live with it. Mcm aku nerd. sama jer, so pity kalau kau nk. But I don't ask for it,please. Nk pity, ur own choice =D nk tag,tag lar. Aku tk kesah,sebab aku tgk tagboard aku ni mcm da mati haha. Ader org tag,bez jgk blh reply balik hehe.
And Ira, I don't have THAT much problemz >_<" bt I do have problemz. I may have problems, but others have more problems than me =D and yep I linked u already. Expect me to be dropping by.
Haixx aku reply to korang nt to cr8 hatred. Kalau blh aku tk nk haters, tapi korang da h8 aku. Apa aku nk buat, aku mmg mcm gini.I'm some bitch, jadi aku respect that kau benci aku. Aku understand, I know. Aku ni nt the person anybody wants to be with. Well, maybe some people want tapi kau tk tahu diorg. Sekolah lain. anwz, don't hesitate to drop by and leave ur comments.
Labels: and I don't want pity.bt maybe I AM weak, I don't want to be emo
5:13 PM
A DAY IN LOT 1
A few daes ago, Atique, Fuzzy and I went to Lot 1. Didn't do much, but took neoprints. hehe was alot of fun taking neoprints. We acted crazy and all that. Then we all came to my hse and played audition, first timer Atique was really good. We played wit Victor, haha quite fun bt both my com n lappy keep dc-ing. Crap!Here are the neos and yesh, Atique looks gorgeous ^^ Fuzzy too. Don't mind the ugliest one there. Then today doing Fuzzy's blogskin, meaning I'm making one for her. One ugly one for her, coz I suck at making blogskins. hahas and I use paint >_<" lol Then went to Fwenster, took a glance at Bishtoma's main pic. My face was o.O? ok just saying, I was kind of laughing when I saw the pic and can't stop. lol. umm,well anybody interested in any 3 of the gerls can tag and tell me xD
hehe cute all right.Labels: neos of us.
10:30 AM
Poetic punkrockingeek
Today literature was so short! Honestly we started at 7.50am and finished at uhh...8.30? It was so short lar. haha then I made a poem. Hope you people like it haha XD for the depressed and quiet.
Every night I cry alone,
In the long cold night,
Shivering with fear,
Knowing nobody cares anymore,
Can somebody come save me,
Coz I need someone out there.
I don't want to be alone,
But I am every night.
Waiting for the sun to shone on me,
To tell me I'm going to be okay,
To tell me everything's going to be alright.
I know you don't care,
And you don't need me to be here.
I don't even know why I am here,
But I'm alive,
And dead.
My heart beats but nothing's inside me,
I'm empty,
And so hurt.
Nobody loves me,
Not even them.
Coz they told me,
What I didn't need to hear,
But has told me everything they want to tell me,
They want me out of their lives, bt I am still here...
:( depressed me again lol.~Keep holding on~ That's wad i keep telling myself, but for wad? Geez I wake up everyday knowing I'll be alive the day after that and after that and the next too. I hab no purpose of lyf,unless 4 my religion haixx... I cry every night knowing no one wants me here. Bt no one knows this,now everybody does...
Labels: siao me
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
7:17 PM
I am so afraid
Ok so I'm CONFIRMING MY FAILURE OF HISTORY, coz all the questions I was so lazy and so hungry that day I just wrote 2 lines for each question. Say bye bye to my passing marks. haha Science was ok today coz there's a lot of digestion questions and I'm quite gd at them, but I suck at atoms and all that haha. tmr is geog, gotta study!
anw, I'm quite scared now coz a lot of ppl I know are starting to think of self-abusing because I told them I did. I can't believe this, I shouldn't have told them, but I did and I regret. A lot, haixx can't believe this. I hope they don't, if they do I'm going to turn my life hell. Wad I'm gonna do?I'm going to tell my mom, personally and directly. I'll go to counselling and turn my life disasterous. I'll make everything I wish wouldn't happen happen. I'm going to make this life of mine the worst I can do. I'm doing this for them, to see what would happen if they continue cutting when they start. I'm really scared, I don't want anyone to do this, nt even myself. But rather than anyone doing it, I'd rather do it. It hurts me to see them like this, why r u doing this to urself?dont dont dont. please, I'm seriously going to make my life hell if you do. Coz I'm the one responsible for this, I'll take responsibility for this. I don't want to turn myself in, so please don't. My parents might even send me there(u know,the siao hospital) coz they're like tt. so plz don't. When I'm alone I'll squat down cuff my hands around my ears and close my eyes tight, I don't want them, the people I care so much, do this coz it sucks. It honestly does....=(
Labels: I'm nowhere to be near sane
Sunday, May 6, 2007
10:30 PM
the world is insane...i'm insane-r by it
I don't understand people. Honestly, I know I'm a fucking bitch but I don't like to see hatred. Wahs Shafiqah u act nice ar? Maybe wateva lar, aku da malas nk complain kt korang. fine, wadeva u say is correct? Satisfied kan? Wahs Shafiqah marah ke per?sikit je nk marah ar? Ok jadi aku bad tempered?Thanks for telling me, although u tok to me like I'm something you care so much,haha. I mean rlly lar, u notice I come bak. U go and check my profiles, thanks y'all. I have ppl tt cared abt me! haha I don't mind of course that's y I put my profile public so tt anybody can see it =DEh Shafiqah perasan!Oops,ya mmg.So wad shud I say? sory? sory for leaving u alone n letting u say all tt shyt abt me?haha laff out loud. funny lar...shafiqah lame? oops maybe, so wad shud I say now?LOL ^^I mean no harm k,I just think it's funny haha.
Anywaes,I shoved away all the guilt away since she called me and says she's ok. I hope she is, haixx... I dono why are humans making other's life so miserable. you don't want ppl to make ur life miserable, and u be miserable to others. Fair huh? Aiyo, think of it lar ppl. It won't hurt for u to think "If they make my life miserable n I do nothing to them, tt makes me a gd person unlike them" If you wanna make revenge to the person, u r no different than the person since u r doing the exact thing or worse to that person.If tt person is a bitch, then so are you. So why not do nothing and u become the nice person while tt person just do all the mean things and u smile coz ur better than the person? I don't understand humans at all, wait I am one right?haha
SO TO PPL THAT HATE ME =====>>>>> Thanks for being honest. I don't wanna be selfish so I'm saying this first. U hate me huh?Well, the reason why I'm not fighting back is because I think of you as a joke, okay I'm sorry but I mean it IS funny when you twist stuff, you can't think I'll crawl in bed and kill myself XDif tt happens, you'll feel guilty and all that and I don't want you ppl to think that lar. haha anws, U read the above stuff n think abt it, if there were the angel and devil who would it be? I'm the devil? Think of what I've done and what you've done.
Ok so maybe I did horrible stuff to u I know, but I was young tt time and I'm sorry. Through all this time, I matured of coz lar! haha I thought if I was able to turn back time, what would I do? I would keep it all to myself, I would want everything to be balanced and no one orders anyone. But I can't keep turn back time, and even if I do I can't be perfect, now it's the future. I look forward to what's in front of me, nt what's back. The back is for u to learn, nt to repent. The future is for you to look forward(then look backward haha)nt to mourn over. what you did?I guess you can know yourself, I know I've told ppl stuff I shouldn't so to make things fair I told ppl the thing I'm most sensitive abt, I cut myself. am I proud of it? No of course not, ppl think I siao I very crazy slash urself for wad siao!Yep but I wanna make things balanced, u get humiliated by ur "bes fren" I get humiliated by myself. Bt you'll never be happy abt anything I do, so I do my own things now. I hope you're happy with your life becoz I am living now having frenz. I know u do too. So r u the devil or me? I don't know. I have made bad things, so do u. I have made gd things, so do u. I have never meant to hurt your feelings, but I have and I can't do anything abt it. I've tried my best and this is the best I could. Think I'm Toot? I'm sorry, this is all I can do. I hope you get what you want. You want me to be miserable? I am, but I never show it because I don't like showing it to other ppl, and I'm not the most miserable person on earth =D so I don't need to be sad instead I should appreciate having frenz I have now, coz they're nice. Of course I don't want any haters, but I can't magically change your feelings towards me, I can't force you to like me. Instead, I try my best to please you and give me what I deserve and try my best to give ppl what I don't have.
Maybe I really don't deserve to live. Maybe I am the mean gerl u all think. I don't want to be like that anymore. I'm sorry. This sorry is not to sympathise you. This sorry is "I'll do a lot of things to heal the scar I've done" but no one will seem to know why I'm doing all this. Because hating someone is sinful. Do you know? Hating others is sinful and I'm giving u sins, I can't forgive myself for that either. So I try to take all those sins, a win-win situation but I can't do all this by myself, I guess things u hoe to happen don't happen easily.
Labels: i dono wad to think anymore
7:36 PM
I'M SUCH A MISTAKE!
I'm... guilty, depressed and sad. I can't help it. Because of punkrockingeek, somebody is wanting to cut herself. Wad wud u do if someone who means a lot to you, even more than your own life wants to cut herself because of you? Wad will I do? She wants to, but plz plz plz plz plz plz so much if you're reading this, don't do this. I'll do anything, absolutely anything, just to convince u not to cut. I'll do what it takes. I don't care about me, I care about you. I cried becoz you r wanting to cut coz of me. Don't do this, please don't. I beg of you. please, haixx if you cut yourself I can't forgive myself. He have no right to name you all those things, so just forget him k..
I feel lyk cutting, coz I'm letting someone who is RLLY IMPORTANT to me cut. argh, honestly wad wud u do if the best fren in ur whole life who nvr made u sad wants to cut becoz she saw u cut and she tot it was the right way to? DAMN i feel guilty..advice ppl...
Labels: it is all my fault
Saturday, May 5, 2007
11:11 AM
so happy tt time..happy tank empty now
ok so the post 2 days ago was so lively, so happy. Now so sad and depressed again. Hmm, weird lar. I oso dono, I started getting all moody ytd. Like there's no reason for life, and suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary problem. Tts what I keep telling myself n self-abuse is no option. Even if I'm here in this big world, there'll be no difference if I'm not. If I'm here, if I'm not here, ppl still move on. Ppl still are happy with their lives, sometimes happier. So what am I here in this world for? Why am I wasting my time alive when I have no reason to? Haixx, I don't wanna live like this anymore. I liked the happy me, the me that appreciated life and look forward to the sunrise. The me now, is the me that wants to stop everything and end it all, but I won't get to know how it's like living a full grown life, I'll just be able to live till 14. Sad, but everything sucks now. There's no reason for me to still be here now. Nobody appreciated me being there, so fuck y am I being there still?This is no fucked up world, it's a paradise with one fucked up person. Me. Ok so maybe your life is worse than mine, but my life ain't perfect. I go home straight from school, and reach home abt 3. Then change and play laptop till 6, shower n take siblings then go home continue playing till 11 then sleep. Sucking life?haixx, and I alwaes get scolding for everything, but I accept. I just told myself I deserved it and took everything in. Sometimes I go home at 4-6 after going to Lot 1, then will kana scold right after reaching home. The problem, I don't get to communicate with people. I mean, talk to others about my problems. Do you know abt my problems?Nahs, coz I neva tell them to anyone, the minor ones sometimes I tell. but neva the major ones. I take all the pain and grief locked in me, I can't express myself with words so I don't even bother telling anything to others. haixx, bt other's life are more important than mine, and my purpose to live is only to make other's life better than mine. You think your life sucks?Wait everybody thinks that way, including me. So who has the most sucking life?No one, I mean not any of you who's reading this right now. The ppl who have the most sucking life, are the ppl living with poverty.(general info stuff in the next par.)
Take a minute of your life to think, is it fun to wake up on the solid ground and shower in the lake without soap, then do the laundry with ur own hands, while your parents do other stuff, you go to WORK? Woah n I thought my life sucks. Well, my life doesn't suck huh?N yours doesn't too. It's great that you get to shop, wear proper clothes, shower anytime you like and get either air-con n fan with a comfy bed for u to snore in. Apparently, I think you have too many good things you can't even think of one, but you have so little bad things you can just list them down. so start thinking of the kids out there =D who have to deal with stuff we don't even deal with. and btw, their "shoes" are flattened plastic bottles.
Labels: my life sucks not... bt y m i so sad
Thursday, May 3, 2007
4:08 PM
second day of skul...great
I just realised, school is becoming awesome. I'm looking forward to it every single day, maybe coz I haven't been doing that for so long, and now I am which is so FUN! I'm becoming horribly a slacker at school, and rlly enjoying lar. My frenz are just awesome, they're just the reason why I'm so alive and happy right now =D Everybody lar, it's just great...haha,it's been a long time since I wrote a happy post huh?Well here u go, heehee ^_^ Tmr is English,nothing to study. Basically the only thing I hate abt school is, u have to wake up at an unearthly time! 5.30?Now what's with that? Sucky lor, I alwaes wake up at 6 haha and thus very late nowadays lar. I some more listen song, so relaxing showering haha. Go school, so happy see Si Yi, Dini, Chandani n basically everybody lar. Miss Fuzzy n Wei Yi haha XD if they come meet Si Yi and Dini, it'll be uhh,uhh... ok I have absolute no idea what's going to happen.LOL rlly, no idea. If Si Yi and Wei Yi meet, wahs rlly can be chaotic. hahas hopefully meeting them tmr, but hard lar. They finish school so early mah. I very left out >_<"' But wanna see them,lolx. Atiqah, happy bday! Hope ur yearly wishes come true by the powers of God(^^) and hopefully the person u like will like u for who u are. Heopfully there's Fuzzy and Faris in ur yearly wish!heehee. Ok ppl mid yr come oredy liao, gd luck horrs! Study ar, even punkrockingeek is studying so u shud too haha XD I have targets for my exams and I wanna achieve. If I could, I will treat my life to luxury and if not, no more slacking lorr =.='" these are my MYE targets:~
~ENGLISH - 68%
~MATHS - 84%
~GEOGRAPHY - 79%
~HISTORY - 60%
~LITERATURE - 75%
~CME/VE - 89%
~ART - 79%
~PW - 65%
~D&T - 50%(no hope,didn't finish my practical >_<)
~SCIENCE - 80%
tough huh?Yeas so hope I could achieve ^_^ haha. Music i dono if will be tested, and Malay(MT) I'm getting an MC meaning it's most likely they'll count tt I have 100% without needing to take the paper, but the paper WILL be given to me as some practice paper only, revision in other words. MUWAWA so gd right?Thank you god ^^ I was so freaked out God helped me, heehee =P okaes, check out my frenster hor I changed it with marquees and colour and all that. A link is at my "home" navigation. So long for now.
Labels: MYE BACK STUDY HARD
Tuesday, May 1, 2007
6:59 PM
hehes don't know why I'm posting again. Juz wanting to blog lar, post stuff lolx. Today, Wei Yi and Fuzzy come my hse & we had loads of fun lar. Umm, first Fuzzy played Audition so long, cannot stop liao. Then Wei yi and I was forcing her to stop n finally, she gave in...heeheehee, then my mom went to my Aunt's house. So I told her I wanna study with them lar. so ok, I have to wash dishes n clean hse, but heck. like I have anyting else to do. I'm so stressed coz of exams tmr, wanna commit suicide coz well, I have 0% confidence of passing. So tts y I don't wanna go skul, and my hws r still unfinished. I die liao,haixx nvm. Wanna break down, can't. Wanna die. oso can't lol XD Just wished I could lengthen my MC coz well, I don't wanna go skul. I'm so fucked up today coz I'm going baq tmr. Big day huh?lol dono lar, hopefully everything goes per normal, I don't sleep n yea,normal normal. Wish me luck tmr coz I'm taking my Mlay paper n I didn't study, fuck I'm dead,haha. Nvm I'll ask Dini for tips,heehee. Wei Yi did a lot of siao stuff just now, now he go home everything so quiet liao.haha, he put multiple stuff in my safety deposit boz becoz well, I was pissed lar he keep trying to crack the code n failing every time then I gt so pissed I just told him the pass, then he put siao stuff inside like wires, food n dono lar.He siao one, haha bt I take it out lar. Lucky he nvr change the password XD we had a gd dinner,yum yum. but I'm rlly freaking out coz of tmr. haixx dono y. Maybe coz my MC was way too long. 2 wks, now don't wanna go skul. lol, RLLY PPL WISH ME LUCK FOR TMR I AM DARN FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW, hehe wad can u expect? I didn't come to skul for 2 wks,then suddenly exams. Siao one ryt? haha wanna stop time and study a lot,haha coz can't anymore. Mid yr liao, I so regret for playing Audition so much XD haixx, maybe I'll cut tonight. hopefully not. haha kana scold oredy,XD rlly la I hope not, bt I think I'm gonna. tsk3 I better nt tok cock, haha. ok lar, tag ppl and do wish me luck. I wanna cry n hell dono wad to do becoz I'M SO FREAKING OUT!!!haha ^_^
Labels: tmr such a big day XD
11:02 AM
today?I don't know what's going to happen...
Well,greetings ppl.Tmr I'm going to school. Ytd was studying my malay,hehe then went to sleep. SNORRS! today, my mom was cranky la. I think coz of me, my bills. wahs she can't handle. Haixx but usually I have calls, I listen to Fuzzy. It's nice to listen to her and know she won't keep anything from u. I don't like anybody keeping their problems away from me, becoz it sucks. I do tt, coz well nobody listens to them. And it sucks like shit. So I listen to ppl, knowing they feel awesome after telling ppl their stories. My mom keep scolding me coz I have a lot of calls. I'm trying to help Fuzzy coz I know she has problems she keeps to herself, and I wanna be there for her wenever werever. I try to listen to her coz talking abt ur problems is hell rlly nice, then my mom scolds me for listening to others. I guess you haf consequences when u wanna be nice. It's ok, she doesn't rlly know. I'll try to tolerate, coz it's no one's fault but me. Today, Fuzzy n Wei Yi n Vino wanna come my hse, to study lar. My mom knew ytd didn't say anything. then just today she say she wanna go my Aunt's hse. Yea she told me days ago, but she didn't say anything ytd. Well, it's still my fault. becoz she told me earlier. haixx, nvms I dono wad's happening today. Just hope for the best. It's nice to have them come here, rlly bring my spirits up, but gd things don't happen easily. Now my mom starts scolding all my other siblings. I pity them lar, she scolds them nt like how she scolds me. She rlly shout at them and vent her anger. When u listen to her venting, ur heart just breaks. rlly, I think it's my fault lar, she don't like scolding me coz I'll get damn emotional abt it. Then she scold my other siblings. Sad ryt? Damn I rlly pity them. then I keep thinking of stupid things. haixx, now headache coz well, so many problems. My exams?failing. My bks?nt reading. my frenz? I wanna help,bt i'm nt such a help. my love life? I've given up. my haters? I can't do anything, I rlly have been trying to be as nice as I could, but my nicest is the worst u have seen in any human. myself? Obviously no one cares anymore, so heck. Geez I need somebody to love me, to care for me. to say I won't be lonely, for someone to tell me tt person will be there for me,no matter what. But there's nobody out there who wants to do tt to me. Nvm, I can say tt to others, n don't get it back. Sometimes, life is hard. But if you can make other's life better than yours, it's the best reward I'll ever get. It's alright, my life's ok like this. =D
Labels: my life doesn't suck
