Friday, November 20, 2009
8:07 AM
hahaa blogging in the morning once again. Grr I'm so tired. Tired cause of yesterday and tired of my mother. It's annoying seeing how emotional both of us could get and it's like we're on an emotional competition, let's see who can be more emotional, huh? What a stupid, fked up game.
I'm trying to be nice and all for 3 days, 3 long fking days and she doesn't even appreciate it. Forget it. I wonder why I ALWAYS FIGHT WITH HER, GET ALONG, AND THEN FIGHT AGAIN?! What's the meaning of making up when we're going to fight again. I'm so tired and annoyed of this stupid routine and I have always wanted to stop it. Seriously, I did. But I don't know why, I'm SO WEAK AND COULDN'T HELP BUT THINK THE FIGHT COULDN'T GO ON ANY LONGER. Well you know what, this routine CAN NO LONGER BE TOLERATED. I'm fked up with this and I want it to change. CHANGE!!!!
The longest 'fight' there was was for 2 weeks, where I finally told myself to continue the routine again. I was wrong, I should never have and wouldn't be in this position right now. It's all my fking fault to think my 'mature' thinking would get me to 'a better place'. I think she was pissed I bought those rotten and ill-bred clothes. But so what, I tried to make her happy. Believe me I had to say no to every skirt that I love so much because I knew my mother would not like it. I was drawn into buying these pants that cost $120 just because my mother would be more pleased and I would look more conservative(Do I look like I'm showing skin?? I don't even have a skirt in my closet, EXCEPT MY SCHOOL SKIRT!)
Stupid me to always be this way. I can't take it any longer. It's always like this. Which was why I never did forgive my father. He had made mistakes too many for me to just want to accept him just like that. Even if I did, I'm gonna get super hurt again. I couldn't forget every time when I lowered my wall between him and me and end up getting stabbed bad. So since I realised it, I never lowered my wall. I only lowered my wall with my mother, but I think now it's time to permanently raise it up and keep it that way forever. I can't stand this, I'm so weak at this and I don't want to end up getting hurt so badly every time she isn't pleased with something.
It's all my fcking fault
