Sunday, August 17, 2008
3:21 PM
Warning: This post is only for those who care.
I'm going to pour everything out of my heart, so yeah if you got time to waste, then read. If you want to know what problem I'm facing, then read. Other than that, you're welcomed to leave.
I'm going to pour everything out of my heart, so yeah if you got time to waste, then read. If you want to know what problem I'm facing, then read. Other than that, you're welcomed to leave.
In my life, things come and go. I might treasure you, but will you treasure me too? When I'm in pain, will you also be in vain? When I cry, will you cry? If I die, then will your memories of me die too?
I realised. People are not as I think they are. They are one scary kind. じつは僕は自分でこわいい。僕は嫌いだった。I just told someone abt my PTSD. shit, anw it means Post Traumatic Stress disorder. I never tell anyone abt tt memory which haunts me until now. I WILL never tell anyone about the memories I have been suffering for more than 1o years. I'm scared, if anyone finds out. If anyone finds out about what I've done, what will happen to me? I might die. That's why I never tell anyone about it, never EVER.
I don't know myself anymore. One moment I'm laughing, the next I'm crying. I don't even dare to look at myself when I'm crying. I don't even want to let myself cry. I can't cry anymore. I can't forgive others, nor myself. I can't trust others, nor myself. I see myself as somebody I don't know. It's as if I want to touch that person on the other side of the mirror and know her, coz I don't. Somebody tell me what's going on.
Even when I have people to tell me "Just tell me your problems" yet I don't. Yet I keep it all inside, pretend I'm okay and suffer alone. WHY AM I THIS WAY? WHY CAN'T I TRUST THE FRIENDS THAT CAN HELP ME? I hate myself, I hate all that I am. I hate myself because knowing of all the sins I've did, I still keep on living as if I've done none. I hate myself trying to help others when I can't do a single thing. It's been such a long time since I tell others this, but I really hate myself.
I'm sorry if I'm a burden. I'm sorry if you got pissed off reading this. But this has been inside me all this while. I want to cry it out, but I can't. I want to yell it out, but I can't. I want to spit it out, I also can't. Even in this post, not all is exposed but I've tried to my fullest. Someone tell me what's going on with me, somebody tell me this stupidity that I'm going through.
