Monday, August 18, 2008

8:10 PM

I'm back to blogging again! yeah I fasted today, 2 more days to go! Lol, it pisses me off when so many people don't actually care about all these religious thingys. I mean, hello?! who is going to help you when you die? Money? Ppl? Well??!! haha I say this, but I don't pray =P xD

anyway, today was total crapness. Ugh, was so happy today ended. I mean, rlly. Nth gd happened today. I just told Danielle my problems (refer to previous post) and she was like "Why don't you stop helping ppl for a while and help yourself first?" honestly, I'm scared. I might really be siao but I don't know. I'm so confused! I don't even know what's happening to me. I can't cry, can't yell, can't tell ppl what I'm feeling, can't DO ANYTHING! Argh, this is pissing me off. I need to know what's happening. It's killing the crap OUT OF ME!

I'm scared. I don't trust myself, at all! I even agreed to follow my Mom go JP because I'm scared I'll do something out of my own hands. I even wanted to knock myself out or smth so that I won't do something crazy. Aren't I siao or something? I, surprisingly have suicidal thoughts x.X haven't had that in years! SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!

When I think if I should stop helping, I think I just can't. It's my only source of self-esteem. I can't live on knowing I'm not helping anyone. I don't know, Piggy tells me I need to stop all this and help myself first. but, am I really worth it? Should I really try and save myself? I DON'T KNOW!!! She tells me before I can help people, I need to help myself. BUT I'M SCARED. That stupid PTSD.

Living in life where you're scared of yourself, when you'd rather chain yourself up than let yourself go around freely. This is not life. It just isn't. I need someone. I'm sorry I'm so selfish, but now I really need someone. Stop this confusion, coz it's killing me like crazy. I can't cry and let anything out, then I get frustrated, then I want to cry, but I CAN'T!

Someone tell me. I know I'm so selfish to just ask this, but I can't live on with this kept in my chest. I have for 9 years, now I'm at my limit. I can't do this anymore. I'm scared I'll start cutting again, I'm scared I'll kill myself, I'm scared I'll hurt even more people. I want to change, but those parts of my life just don't change.

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Now playing: Linkin Park - Numb
via FoxyTunes

*About Me

The name is Shafiqah.
I may not be liked, but am definitely loved.
I no longer give a damn to people of different views from me.
The people of the same views with me are loved.
I have big dreams and a big confidence to achieve it.

*My desires

~Watch Gokusen Movie and Coraline in the movies
~Get at least 1 Gothic Lolita suit
~Finish my list of "After O levels"
~Remove all my pimples
~Lose 10kg by January, 31st
~Get The BEST Of Aqua Timez Album
~Form a band

*My Music

Aqua Timez - Saigo Made

MySpace Playlist at MixPod.com

*My Friends

*Christin the Sotong
*Jue Ying the Mole
*DarkEmoPrincess1310 the MonkeH
*XiaoXing the Piggy
*Abel the BearBear
*CuteLove AKA Stephanie the Penguin
*Junichi The Hammy
*Caroline the Tiger Turtle
*Ye Jia the Froggie
*Dini the Cat

+2E2
+3 Emerald
+Esther
+Sherrie
+my previous blog
+Celeste
+Weilin
+Ruiyi
+Nur Shahiddah Ain
+Azmee
+Szemin
+Ira
+Genevieveee
+Chocolate Bunnies From Hell
+Sameen
+Dhania
+Joeyx3
+A I N kecygg
+Gerlyn
+WeiWei
+Gwendolyn
+Jessie
+Atique Vanilla

*My Story

April 2007 l May 2007 l June 2007 l July 2007 l August 2007 l September 2007 l October 2007 l November 2007 l December 2007 l January 2008 l February 2008 l March 2008 l April 2008 l May 2008 l June 2008 l July 2008 l August 2008 l September 2008 l October 2008 l November 2008 l December 2008 l January 2009 l February 2009 l April 2009 l May 2009 l June 2009 l July 2009 l August 2009 l September 2009 l October 2009 l November 2009 l December 2009 l January 2010 l February 2010 l March 2010 l April 2010 l May 2010 l July 2010 l

*Tagboard

*My Thanks To

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