Friday, July 18, 2008
5:27 PM
i'm back to blogging~~ yeah... honestly... honestly..... honestly!!! These few days have been really sucky T.T oh well, one thing I keep making wrong decisions, another I keep doing the wrong thing, and I don't know what's the right thing to do.
I'M FRIGGING FLUSTERED! I don't see why I should be flustered but I still am flustered, I guess because I think I am so sagacious when I'm not so sagacious as I think I am =D I don't even know what word to use to describe my feelings...
I hate myself. I should go and die. People will live better. Everyone will forget me. Bye bye. Done. Finish. Zilch (:
That is NOT! how I describe my feelings ok xD well, sometimes I do feel it but it goes away, so... xD anyway I'm super bored so I decided to blog. When I think of it, this blog has been undead for so long! wow, so cool xD my first and ever blog, still living healthily xD
Lol, ok. Let's summarise what I did so far. Hmmmmmm, I've been feeling guilty for almost EVERYTHING in school, I want help but I don't know if I need help and even if I do, I don't know who to ask help from and who actually wants to help me. And also what to help me with.
I thought I have codepency, but when I think about it I can't be so selfless so I crossed it out. Now I don't know what's wrong with me. DanDan told me I want to find out more about myself, know more about who I am, my identity and that's true. I wanna know who I am, how I got here, why am I so emotional at times, why do I do the wrong things, why some people just hate me when there are just SO many people doing the same things, why won't I ask for help when I actually need them, why can't I live up to the expectations people have for me and so on~
So far this is all I know about myself. My name is Shafiqah Nurul Afiqah Bte Ramani (don't ask why it's so long =.=). I am 15 years old, born on 5th march 1993 in NUH during approximately sunrise. I am left-handed but I don't know if I was born to be right handed, I think now I'm cross-dominant because I can't be ambidextrous because I'm too stupid to be one even though an article states that ambidextrous people have brain damage (=OOO) . I'm INFP, a water rooster and a Pisces. I love to learn new things that interest me and I love to write. I have been a self-mutilator for 3 years and have finally stopped on 30th March, 2007. In present time, I'm scared that it's coming back because at certain times I still self-mutilate myself, just not so bad.
I'm selfish when I don't realise it, I get angry for the littlest things, I see myself as a true friend when I don't actually know what others want, I trust the wrong people and thus it had led me to distrusting others once and for all(I think I still am trusting people no amtter how much I force myself not to). I don't know what I live for and I am still finding out. I believe in God but I don't know if God is who we think God is. I feel like I'm deigning myself, but am I?
ok done. wahahahaha.... time for....... Japanese hour! lol xD
今日、も少し書います。今自分嫌いです。全ては有り得ない思いだした。昨日、僕の勇気わ消えた。
now the same thing in keigo.
僕は今日、書くつもりです。 僕は現在、うぬぼれます。僕は、すべてが不可能であると思います。 昨日、僕の勇気は見えなくなりました。
