Monday, April 7, 2008
7:41 PM
I don't know why I'm so flustered today, but yes I was super flustered since when I got up. Then have to wake up by 2 annoying brothers(who are not so annoying, usually) Then I was almost late by the freaking full bus, but the nice security guard kind of let me go coz when he asked me to write my name, I said don't want xD But I already go inside the sch wad, wtf right? So he let me go lor.
Then my legs hurt like SIAO! It's like, your legs feel like thick metal wires that are conducting electricity. It was super painful, but I frigging don't care la. Then it was SS, phew no test. I did nothing la, just act listening, because SS is like, the same thing over and over again. I don't know why, but I keep thinking I'm being blamed for everything,which I don't think is so true. I don't like people to blame others, why can't you people don't blame people? I mean, I think everyone have their own flaws and reasons why. And in any situation, no one should be fully blamed. Everyone is to be blamed for something fairly.
Like, when the 1 sapphire girl go do the ghost game. Can't blamed her right? Curiosity kills the cat. And it's not like she knows the real thing will come. Yet, she should know her curiosity shouldn't carry her that far....
Then it was PE. 2.4! I frigging don't wanna run. Why do fucking people want other people to run?! Do you think everyone can run? Doesn't mean I can ok, idiots. Those idiots setting up NAPFA. Who frigging cares how fast you can run, how long you can stretch, or how far you can jump? Do they ask that kind of stuff in your resume? And school is somewhere to help you get an education,thus a job right? =.=" then I ran, on the 6th round I think my stomach HURT FRIGGING A LOT! I guess coz it's still kind of empty, and my legs aka metal wires conducted energy again. So pain la! I wanted to pass so bad, so I just kept walking. At that time I don't even feel my legs anymore. I wanted to just sit on the floor and give up. But I went to school, and wanted to stop when the tcher let me.
I walked to the toilet and it seemed like... 3km? Seriously, I had to drag my feet as if they are bleeding like siao like that. Then I went in the cubicle and felt my face burning! Then, I sort of broke down. I don't know why, but I did. Then I walked up and change. I wanted to forget the running, just continue the day but then I just cried in front of Hammy (=.=") I felt super flustered and irritated, I wanted to go home and I want to end everything, but like I can right? So I went downstairs and eat.
Then MT. Quite boring, but ok la. Supandi asked me and Neko to help him during Speech Day, so we sort of agreed(I kind of forced Neko muhahahaha) aft that VE, and Chem. Normal and boring. Aft tt is EM.
I wasn't really paying attention coz it's EM, so not so stressful. Then I finished up SS, pass up and went home....
I don't know why but I'm super flustered. I frigging don't know why I can't show how I feel. I frigging don't know why I keep smiling and acting nothing's wrong when inside of me, I feel like scraping my skin off my flesh. When Neko asked me why I cry, I can't tell her. I don't know how to tell her, yet I just wish I could tell someone this frigging feeling. I wanna shrug it off and go on with my life. But I can't. I can never tell anyone how my frustration is inside coz I've never really done so. All I did was trying to arrange it in words, yet it sounded super fake. I want to bleed off and cry and forget this thing every happened, but I can't. I can't do anything anymore and I'm so frigging flustered. I can't tell my mom abt it. I can't tell anyone abt it. I can't even try so say it out loud to myself. How do I fucking explain this? I fucking don't know and I fucking want to do something. I can't scream, I can't cut, I can't tell someone, I can't even express it with my face. I don't even know what I can do anymore...
