Wednesday, June 13, 2007
4:40 PM
They're disappointed at me....again
0k this is what happened, my mom asked if I could drop by my Grandmother's house and I didn't wanna go. I told her she should go and I'll take care of the little kiddies. So she went with my little sister, and I'm stuck with Azami(two), Shafiq(six) and Haziq(nine). I let Shafiq use the lappy and Haziq use the com. Azami's sleeping. I was tired, I have no idea why. So before I sleep I told Shafiq "If you need anything wake me up ok?" And he said ok. Then my mom called and asked to bring in the laundry if the weather is bad, I told Haziq to wake me up if it's going to rain. Then I slept. I was tired, but maybe that was no excuse. When I woke up, I heard my mom talking to my dad on the phone....
"There was alot of people there. Haizz, Nurul just slept when I told her to take care of them. She said she'd really take care of them. Like what lyddat. When I went home, Azami's diaper was already full. I was so pissed"
I cried. I didn't know why, maybe it's true. I did tell my mom I'll take great care of them. And she was greatly disappointed at me, I was disappointed at myself too. Tears just ran down. Then I wanted to blog it becase if I don't I might do something stupid. Haixx, I wanted them not to be disappointed at me, and I slept. I really wanted to punish myself. Coz my mom wouldn't. She knows I'll punish myself for my own wrong doings, but she doesn't know I used to cut. And now I want to punish myself, I really wanted to. I want to make myself bleed and cry and let myself feel the pain to cover all the disappointment I'm feeling from myself and those around me. You might think this was a bit too much just because I slept, but it is a huge deal for my mom and it is a huge deal to me. Now I don't know what to do. What should I really do to myself? Haixx, I wana bruise myself. I wanna make myself feel so bad about it, it hurts, inside and out. You know when you hate yourself so much you wish you'd suffer so badly and didn't wanna live anymore.
It's like hating someone else, you hate that person so much you wish she/he would suffer so badly and fell on her/his knees. It was that kind of feeling, but to your own self. I feel like slapping, kicking and punching myself. All the anger and sadness is just locked in me, yet I don't feel anything when I asked myself what I am feeling. I don't know what to think anymore, I don't know what to do anymore. Am I destroying myself this way? Do I deserve to be destroyed by myself? God I'm being too emo again....
My bills are horrible, I just know it. My mom knock on my room door. I openned it....
mom: Do you know how much your bills cost this mth?
me:No I don't and I don't wanna know (slams the door shut)
mom: How dare you!
That's it...But I know it was rlly rlly horrible. I didn't even need to be told. So I ground myself. 1 long call per day and 10 smses. Anything more, I'll just get it, somehow. It sounds stupid grounding yourself, but I only follow and accept the punishment made by me, and no one else. I'm a hard head, I don't wanna listen to anybody, and I control my own life. I found that out when I was nine. I told myself "ok you're responsible for EVERYTHING you do. You'll do what it takes so you'll be punished for what you've done. Your parents and everybody else have nothing to do with this. You're responsible for yourself, you'll take all the pride when done something right, but take all the shame when done something wrong" Because I told my mom when I was nine "It's my life. It's not yours. It's never your right to rule my life because my life is made up of my own rules" My mom was shocked to hear by a cute nine year old, I accepted that and I know there are consequences I had to bear. That was how I started to turn a deaf ear on my parents and learnt to punish myself. Haixx, am I supposed to live this way?
Labels: not an answer, so many questions
