Tuesday, June 12, 2007
1:14 PM
huh? don't read if u don't wanna
Dunno I keep wanting to write poems, but ytd one rlly suck.I guess becuz I was sleepy. I'm making an amv, a rlly hard one. Haf to jyjy coz it's damn hard. Haixx, since my mom sick, I have to do alot of things, but I think they're taking it for granted. When my grandparents, and my uncle Jalil's family came was quite fun. My cuzzie told me som stuff about Parkours and he's one of them, I zzzzz coz he bodybuilder, now parkour oso lolx. Anws, they r complaining abt how "lazy" I am. I wanna smash their heads. Nono I wanna smash my own head lyk a smashed watermelon. I did more work since my mom sick, 0k I admit I have zero initiative. I know that, clearly. I just need someone to tell me, and I'll do it. I don't need to communicate with you, I don't need to talk to you. Just order me and I'll do it. That's my concept, easy lar but I won't do anything by my own thinking. As the phrase goes, your brains gets smart but your head gets dumb. I don't like it, I did what they say. No complains at all, and they start saying how lazy I was. They know my concept, and kept telling that to me. Why not say I brainless? I know lar I canot think, wtf just tell me canot ar. It's good that I don't have a brain coz I won't complain lorr. Haixx but I DO have a brain, just that like other humans I use only 10% of it(haha rlly ppl only use 10% of the brain, XD) Now they taking it way for granted. I hate it! I'm now not listening to wadeva my mom says. Coz I hope she'll appreciate the robot-me who doesn't say anything but do wadeva it was ordered to. I don't talk to my mom, not really. And I almost NEVER say anything to my dad, might think it's nice to do everything your own way. Well, it's not. It's a lonely life where you think nobody cares. It's not their fault, it's me to blame coz I was the one cutting off the communication. Sometimes they scold me for the littlest things so they could hear me say something. That's what I think.
Wen I wake up in the morning, my Dad's gone to work. My mom's doing housework and my siblings play outside so loudly waking me up. Went to shower, when done I grabbed something to munch on and snatch the lappy out of my sibling's control. This happens EVERYDAY, then I'll play until 3-4pm where I take a nap. Their time to play. Abt 6 I wake up, shower again. Took dinner and take back the lappy. Played until midnight or later. I play in my room, no one talks to me and I talk to no one. Maybe my siblings will disturb me once in a while but that's it. Halfway using the lappy my mom'll order me some stuff. I'l just do it and continue. I don't talk to my mom, or Dad. When my dad comes home, it's at 8-9 something, he showers take his dinner and sleep. So far my lappy's my only company, lonely life it is. Fuzzy'll call me abt 2/3 times I'll listen to her and comment. I don't talk alot now, maybe because I don't have anything to say. Come to think of it, I want to start another relationship. But maybe that's just a dream. I have everything I need in my room. My phone, lappy, bed, tv, radio, everything. I even eat in my room, most of the time. And I'll only go out when I need to pee/poopoo and take food. zzzz nice life? I don't think so, I pity the ppl who gets too much attention from the parents. But I also envy them, there will never be a time when my parents will say "I love you" or "miss you" becuz that's who they are. They are cold, I was rejected by my own father because I wanted to kiss him when I was nine. Sometimes I feel like I'm in some Foster family, because parents are supposed to tuck their children in bed, parents are supposed to say "love u and miss you" and kiss them n hug them everyday. My parents don't do that. At least I have parents, but I don't feel loved. They don't have to give me everything I want to show they love me, it's just the three words that matter. I've never hugged my mom since I was 8. I kissed my mom wen I was 13 and got scolded by my dad. My mom don't rlly care if I kissed her or not, or say luv u or not. My dad will get me for doing that. What so wrong with doing that? Haixx... I sometimes think ppl's life are better than me, but everybody thinks so. Everybody thinks their life is just the worst and no one understands them but the truth is everyone is facing the same thing but in a different way. Whenever I thought my life is the worst, I keep hating myself. I hate myself for it, because I was given a lot of things. I was pampered in my first 6 years of life, and I think my life sucks. I hate myself for it. I'm not appreciating what's given to me, I can't forgive myself for that. I guess it does suck when your parents treat you as if you're not even there, and you get scolded for everything your siblings do, and getting scoldings for what you didn't do, but I guess other's lives are worse. I just don't appreciate what's given to me. I keep telling myself to appreciate my life, but I'm not. No matter how hard I tell myself, it's the same thinking. haixx....
Finished watching Nobuta Wo Produce. Or I like calling it Producing Nobuta. Cried from epi 9 straight till ending of 10. Duno y, Aoi reminds me of myself. I watch her and I ask myself "Am I that mean?" Maybe I am... If I'm that mean, God I'm rlly the worst. Anw, nice ending. Nobuta shouldn't be so nice, be meaner! lol when she cried, I was crying until I couldn't breath haha. Was crying so hard...lol....nowa Kurosagi, HERE I COME! lol I watched episode 1, nice. Now tt I think of it, Mariko from NWP is the same actor as Misa Amane from Death Note 2... lol
