Thursday, May 17, 2007
8:50 PM
Long time nvr post hehe
long time never post coz well, exam mah. And no time, everything very bad nowadays hahax. Miss a lot of ppl!! ><" I wanna go cinema but every1 either no $$$ or bz on the day I'm nt. vice versa. Haish!! I'm getting more emo abt stuff xD well coz my bestie is one, and she wants me to be emo. She actually says "you ARE emo so don't deny it, just label urself one" tts wad she said. I just grinned, maybe I should haha. Anws, my exam scores S-T-I-N-K-S!! Rlly it stinks horribly. Geez um my English got 47/80, History 37.5/100 and Maths 40/100 >_<"rlly stink right? Yep I know. haixx hope tmr get better marks, 2 papers fail oredy. SAD nias. I don't wanna go normal aced next yr like my cuzzies eeyer I wanna stay in express =P muwawa! Then depressed lor now ahax coz my marks sobs sobs!! Then just now I wanna cry liaos, but then nvr. I nvr wanna cry, crying sux so I try my best not to. I watched "nobuta wo produce" rlly gd jap drama. I picked up a few quotes from it altho I forgot now xD bt the main char, Nobuta, is h8ed n bullied by evrybody and her life sux. Then this popular guy, Shuuji and a spoilt guy, ok i forgot his name lol anw these 2 boys try their best to make her the most popular girl in school, hard but they are doing well. I'm only in episode 2 haha but I am loving it. Nobuta says:
"No matter how much I change, nothing will change"
"I'm supposed to live in a world I'm not supposed to live in...forever. A world that never ends, just keeps going on and on and on"
Shuuji says:
"If you change nothing, nothing will change."
"You cannot give up when you haven't even begin"
"If you stop now, you will never know what happens next. So keep going on =)"
I love these quotes, first episode and I almost cried haha. Nobuta's first quote totally makes sense to me. No matter how much I will change, nothing else will. Even if I become perfect and nice, everybody will still hate me and detest me and wished I was dead. But the thing is, I can't even be nice, how could I be perfect? So all I could do is smile everyday and tell myself "It's ok and everything will be alright" but nothing is alright. I keep lying to myself, knowing some day I won't trust myself anymore. I can't ever be the person I want to be.
I stare at the mirror, and hate what I see. I could not bear staring at the mirror for 1-2 minutes becoz it'll hurt my eyes and my eyes will be all watery. If you don't like what you see, what would you do? I take everything in me, telling myself I deserved everything thrown at me, telling myself not to insult them becoz they don't deserve it. If they deserved insults, then what do I deserve? Everyday I smile, telling others my life is as perfect or better than yours but I don't know if that's true. I go home everyday knowing my parents don't care, I've never talked to my father in the weekdays not even a "Hi" I mostly ignore my mom at home, just do my own things until 6 when i eat, bath and fetch my siblings. Take them home, do my own things. I never get to communicate with anybody except in school, never get to smile or have a "family" In the weekends, I go to my Granny's hse and stay there till Sunday. Sunday go to Madrasah and go home. Do my hw and sleep for tmr. This cycle revolves till now. This is my life. Stinks? I don't know, might not be. I don't get caned, or abused but I was never even there at home. I feel like I'm fading away from this real world. I'm not real. I'm just somebody that roams around this Earth.
Will the world rlly become a better place if punkrockingeek wasn't there?
Was punkrockingeek supposed to be dead?supposed to nvr socialise?
Is punkrockingeek doing the right thing by not cutting and living life as if nothing happened in the past?
Should punkrockingeek leave forever so as to make sure everyone will be smiling knowing everyday will be fine?
Everyday I know I'm not supposed to be alive, I know I'm supposed to become "the invisible gerl" and just roam around pretending not to be there. So everyday I wake up, knowing that day is another day those people will see me, will hope I wasn't there. I'm sorry, I just had to be there...
Labels: i must never cry
