prEttY UglY pUnkr0ckIngEEk

2010-07-07T10:39:00.003+08:00

For once, I knew what I wanted. What I feel I was born to do... but....

I could still remember the first time I used a video editting software. It was in my primary school days and we were taught the very basics of editing and were allowed to play with the Mac. I was very blurr and unsure of what to do. It wasn't that of an interesting thing to do for me at first, but it was interesting how one same footage could look so different after editing. Every one of us were given the same footage, but all of them looked entirely different after we edited it.

That's how I got hooked in WMM, Windows Movie Maker. I wanted to be better at editting, and wanted to just make a good video. I googled, and found a free software available on the net and downloaded it. At first, it was a huge struggle. It wasn't as easy to use as the software in Mac as the options were very vague and trying to do something you specifically want is hard. However, I got the hang of it and now I can do so many things with one free software, of course after years of practice!

So since Sec 2, I have been making videos and more videos of spin-offs of the animes and movies I see. I find it so fun using the same material but getting a totally different result. I never saw it as a future prospect, just as a hobby. I was so into it, I could live for months and even years just making videos. For so long, I never realised that this could possibly be the perfect job for me. I always thought I was meant to do something like being a doctor, or a lawyer, or a government worker.

When NYP offered this course, it moved me. All my interests, combined into one. I didn't have to choose. Writing, filming, editting, business all in one. And that was to me the first time I actually thought of editing as a future prospect. I was happy, to finally find a course that I can tell suits me so perfectly.

Now, my DFVP, a filming and editing module, is one of the worst modules I've been scoring so far. It disappoints the hell out of me, because I know I want to be a director and I want to be a video editor. I do. I've always been in the shoes of a director whenever filming took place my whole life. My whole life. I wonder why something I want so much is so hard to grasp. I cry sometimes knowing I'm not doing as good and if I continue, I'm never gonna get what I want. Hell I want it so much. It won't matter if I get all As for the other modules and get C for this. Fuck I WANT TO BE GOOD IN IT. FUCK!

2010-05-26T22:33:00.002+08:00

Letting you go.. (Here's my story)
I can't stop thinking about it.
It's got me shaken up.
Visions of you spin in my head.
Can't manage to lose you.
But it's better for you to move on.
We've made it this far.
And broken it this bad.
Now we cover it all

Boy not a second will I betray
You whom I swear upon my heart
There is no other way
To protect you Baby

Only hurt is in my heart Baby
No longer shall you imprison yourself with me

Just tell me goodbye
The hands that held me so tightly
Are not mine now
Don't be shackled to me Baby
Just tell me goodbye.

Boy your smile fades away
knowing we're not happy this way
All I think about is you
As your light slowly disappear from my darkness

Baby the lips of yours fading away from mine
These lips of mine knowing no other will satisfy them

Just tell me goodbye
The hands that held me so tightly
Are not mine now
Merely being with me is not love Baby
Just tell me goodbye

It hurts when you're no longer mine
When I know we're so right together
I just didn't want you to be less happy
With me
Seeing you lacking the girl you deserve
Baby you're so perfect
It hurts to know I'm not with you
However if it is all it takes
I'm ready I'd do it all.

Your voice in my head
Painfully remaining, but
Fading away in my memory, stay...
No longer can I take it
No longer feel pain for me
Never look back again

Just tell me goodbye
The hands that held me so tightly
Are not mine now
Merely being with me is not love Baby
Just tell me goodbye

2010-05-24T00:19:00.002+08:00

I have this dilemma.

Because my parents don't give me enough pocket money, I had to go work and sacrifice my weekends. Therefore, I also have to leave school late and finish my homework before I get home.

Yesterday, not much food was left for me because I reached home at 10pm even tho I rushed home. Today, I decided to eat KFC with my colleagues and take it easy.

My mother, after me telling her I was gonna eat outside, replied "Ok. Don't SMS me."

I was pissed. She scolds me for not telling her where I am, and now she's telling me not to?

So I just shut up and continue eating. Then I got a call.

"Hello?"

"Where are you now?"

"KFC Harbourfront lo."

"NOW WHAT TIME ALREADY, STIL AT AT HARBOURFRONT?"

"I'm eating now what, what do you expect me to do? Pack it up?"

"NOW AT HARBOURFRONT, THEN WHAT TIME YOU REACH HOME?"

"I can't do anything now. Ok? Bye."

"*silence* *beep*"

Now I say. I feel that it's not her right to say I shouldn't be here or there because one, it's not my fault I don't have enough money and had to find a job and also not much food was left for me. Two, I'm not wasting her time. I'm not using her money. I'm not bugging her. WHY THE FUCK IS SHE BUGGING ME?!

It may be my arrogance or what. But I feel like telling her, "YOU WANT ME TO STAY AT HOME AND BE THE GUAI KIA YOU ALWAYS WANTED ME TO BE?! THEN GIVE ME ENOUGH POCKET MONEY TO LAST A FUCKING MONTH! NOT 2 FUCKING WEEKS!"

But I can't really blame my Dad for not giving me enough as he is the sole breadwinner of my family. TELL ME THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

2010-04-29T16:08:00.002+08:00

Am at school now~~ hahaha yep slacking at mac :D hahaha so far my class is adorable, but suddenly today some girls from nan chiau and dunman high came to join my class so I see how that goes. Btw, if you think I haven't been blogging, you're WRONG! hahaha, that's because I have been blogging, but I keep them as drafts and never published it yet :P

heehee, am gonna start ranting all over again because my ICA3 is to make a journal, and I have already forgotten about my hobby of writing. I'm kinda thinking if I'm in the wrong course, of course I love blogging and making movies, but I don't know if I really want to pursue it as a career now. My class is awesome, but I know they're going for the same dream as me, which means they're my competitors. It's not very nice to have competitors as friends ya know.

But oh well, so far it's alright with me. Still working with poly stuff. Shall update mor eon my life, with photos! wakkaakak

2010-03-30T12:43:00.002+08:00

here

2010-03-11T02:13:00.002+08:00

I feel very fucked up...

About this very person... about myself for even being able to trust her...

What the fuck. I knew she wasn't that type of person. I knew something was just off, but because of my selfishness I went through it and in the end bit my own tail (didn't know if I just created this idiom or not)

WHAA FUCK!!!! Stupid damn humans... I should've known... I SHOULD'VE KNOWN!!! No wonder I got such lousy points for my Os because I didn't use my brain... ARRRGGGHHH!!!

2010-02-23T12:37:00.003+08:00

I shall rant about work. Work is.... 13%@^$^%#%!#$!#%#@%!!!!

I'm very angry and pissed off. Okay not now but during the whole time when I'm working. First, he praises me saying I can do stuff right whom his previous staff can't. Wow, I don't really care so yeah... THEN he goes "why can't you do this and that right?" Wahh, I angry lei. I cannot do, you fire me take ur old staff back la!! Wtf, I angry sia.

And everytime I ask things like when's payday, or if I can off that day, he'll think I'm trying to run away or something. Please la, I'm not so childish to run away just because work is tiring =___=" Work is tiring in the first place and got no work where it's not tiring one lor. Wa lau lei, seriously I can't wait till end of March.

And what's so funny is, he's always angry only when there's a lot of people. When there's no one, he won't ever scold me. Isn't that just implying that he's only scolding me because he's stressed, not because I'm doing something wrong? And I only worked there quite recently, I'm not some genius that can do everything perfectly the first month I'm there!!!

If like this, I really do wish to run away after first pay la! And my first pay so f-ing tiny, I can't really buy a lot of things with that. ZZZZzzzzZZZZzZZZ I can only curse in Japanese silently.

2010-02-13T21:17:00.002+08:00

I was simply watching TV, when I saw big bang and watched a bit. Daesung was singing one of Wheesung's songs. Ahhh Wheesung!!! I love him, seriously... Much more than Big Bang I gotta say. Love his deep songs. His songs are so emotional and loved...

His songs are so deep like Ahn Dwe Na Yo or Is It Possible. Love his songs man. They just make me cry (:His new songs are not that emotional, but they show a whole new side of Wheesung so I bet it's good. I listened to a few in youtube and damn they're so unique, and they don't sound weird, mind you! I don't know why he's so unnoticed by so many Singaporeans who say "I love K-Pop" BUT DON'T KNOW WHO WHEESUNG IS!!! How can?!! He's one of the most amazing korean singers I know and I will listen to him, even if he changed to other languages, I will still listen to him.

They rock so much and he does. Try take a listen and you'll know why.

2010-02-13T20:21:00.002+08:00

I don't know why. but I'm starting to feel remorse. If only I had done better for my O levels. If only I studied harder. If only I stayed up longer. If only I looked up higher. If only... That's the only thing I could say now. If only, fuck. It just sucks. I don't want to end up with this lousy O level results. I'm not proud of it and I'm not satisfied.

But what the fuck can I do?! It's all over. I'm stuck in a Poly now. It's all fucking over. And even if I feel so regretful, my results are never gonna change. It's gonna stay that way forever. A bloody 1 A, 4 B, 1C, and 1E.

No wonder I didn't even feel a little bit happy. So what if I beat Weilun?! He fucking beat me in all his good subjects. SO what?! I couldn't beat him in FUCKING E MATHS AND SCIENCE!!!! All my studies put to nothing. NOTHING~!!! After all, I'm just a loser. I told myself to go to JC and see where I am. The very reason I told myself so much to go JC IS BECAUSE I KNOW I WILL END UP IN POLY JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE! THE REASON WHY I MAKE SO MANY DREAMS BECAUSE I KNOW IN THE END, IT'LL STAY THAT WAY! I know that more than anyone else but why I am still fighting for it??!!! WHY?!!! WHY AM I STILL FIGHTING FOR THE PLAIN, STUPID DREAM?

Why?

2010-02-11T20:20:00.002+08:00

Just when you thought the job was just right for you, something happened telling you it isn't.

Got a new job and it's super near ~! Which is good, yeah and another good thing is it's F&B, exactly what I wanted too. Bad thing is, I don't know suddenly last Saturday I started getting sick ):

It started with a bad sore throat in the morning but I ignored and continued my usual life, dramas anime and the like. Then I started getting a slight fever and was a bit worried. For F&B, it's quite heaty since you're cooking everything so I called but since the place needs more people, I had to be in for work and since it's just slight fever, I went. I felt like dying halfway but my lips were tight and when I got home and checked, 39.2 deg C. Took a couple of panadols and slept.

Next day was the same. I couldn't eat, sleep or do anything. I walk like a turtle but I took a couple of panadol EXTRAs this time and went to work again. Wasn't as bad as the other day but still sort of died halfway.

Monday couldn't take it and went to the doctor. Temperature was 40.3, everyone was simply freaking out and I had no idea why O__o? About 10 minutes later, I got to meet the doc (which was fast, considering it was a Poly, haha was given more priority due to my temp) and bla bla 3 days MC (woots!) and practically nothing else. I SLEPT FOR THE REST OF THE DAY!

Tuesday was nothing much too. Wednesday went to work, didn't feel that good but was fine. Went home and vomitted (Yuck!) but felt much much better.

Now I'm only stuck with cough and running nose and a bit of sore throat. Yatta ~ ! Well just hope I don't get sick again because working when you're sick sucks!

2010-01-31T08:55:00.002+08:00

So, uh... I got into the Media Studies & Management Course, which felt super awesome. I've never felt that happy in a long time. I guess I felt a bit deserving since I couldn't feel all that satisfied for my O Level results. Sad thing is I don't know anyone from the Business Sch in NYP, until yesterday Faz told me WY is entering Business in NYP. I was like... "What?" He would probably be the last person I would've guessed to enter the same school and dept as me.

Ah sad, it's gonna be awkward ): Because I guess I was a bit immature in the past and might've made a very bad impression on myself. Haha, but oh well, going to my "dream" course is amazing! Suddenly, a rush of things I wanted to do came to my head. Maybe becoming a director, publishing my own media production. Aww would that be nice!!! And Jun would be in charge of the animation and all (:

After I submitted my 12 choices, I was hesitating about my first and second choice. If I were to enter my first choice, I was told I couldn't enter a local uni and that made me super depressed. Because if that were to happen, chances are my family wouldn't let me get to uni to get a degree and I would be stuck with a damn diploma for the rest of my life. And I wouldn't be able to get loads of money, being a writer with a diploma stuck in Singapore definitely doesn't sound very succeeding. So uhh, yeah... I was really hesitating.

Now I got my second choice, which made me feel relieved. Because this course is not only about media, but business and all sorts of things. And the good part is that I can go to overseas and local universities, I'm glad (: It's like this is a reply from God telling me everything would be alright even if I were to hesitate and stumble, God would be there to pull me back up again (:

It'll really be nice to go to a nice university after poly graduation and succeed. It's been really messy, my ideal future. Maybe because I don't really know what I'm interested in and I don't really know what I want to do in life, but one thing I'm very sure, I definitely don't want to lose (: I'm not losing to my cohort and I'm never losing to my family generation. Here I come~!!

2010-01-26T11:54:00.003+08:00

Wah, gosh mans. I'm feeling super emo right now, maybe thanks to the "thing" I'm having right now.

I don't know why, but I LOVE seeing people get hurt and I HATE seeing people be so happy or if they are better than me in any way.

It sucks la, it's one of things I really despise about myself. I cannot tahan seeing someone being better than me and I'll try (like shit) to either bring that person down or learn from that person and be even better then him/her.

I feel so fked up when people say their results are so good and they're so happy, I feel like stuffing a rotten tomato in their mouths. I know it's none of my business, and I know I'm being seriously mean, but I can't help thinking how annoying and irritating those people are. I don't feel angry when someone with like an R5 of 7 says that to me because that person deserved to feel good. But there are those people who get worse than me and still boasts about how good their results are. It's ridiculous in my eyes and I really can't take it.

I feel like saying "Your score so bad still say good, fk off la!" It gets on my fking nerves when these people, like maybe an R4 of 20, will go "Wah heng I got good results. It must really be the hard work that I've put in." What the #!@$%*%$%^#! I have no idea why, but I get so furious when I hear about these people. It's like I'm better than them in studies, but they're much more happier and living a better, happier life than me. Why is such thing happening?!! Isn't it me, someone who has better results, supposed to be happier? Why the fk is someone getting worse results happy?!

And the biggest problem is, I don't know why the hell I feel this way. I just HAVE to be better than people, I just HAVE to be smarter than people, and I just NEED to be more successful than they are, in more ways you can imagine. Even in things like taking control of the laptops and computer in my house. I just HAVE to make sure I have control over everything and no one overthrows me, or I will settle it physically.

I have absolutely no idea why. It's just an urge and I cannot erase it. I may shut up if I'm mad about these people, but I won't ever stop thinking about how I wish that person could eat shit (literally) and the like. It's seriously one of the things I just hate about myself.... But I've gotta say if it weren't for this urge, I wouldn't have been so convinced in trying to beat everybody else (like how I always wanted to beat WL in everything that I have a chance of, even if means staying up the whole night just to revise for this one sub-subject that I'm already good at).

I'm trying to find out why, and trust me I've been going to hundreds of wiki pages a day.

2010-01-20T10:17:00.003+08:00

Wow, did I just mess up my life?

I assume all of you may know about my 12 choices, which are 1st/3rd: SP, 4th, 5th, 6th:NP 2nd/the bottom courses: NYP 7th:TP

I found this poll in the Singapore MBA website...

Singapore Polytechnic: 59.3%
Ngee Ann Polytechnic: 30%
Temasek Polytechnic: 5.5%
Nanyang Polytechnic: 3%
Republic Polytechnic: 2.2%

Nanyang is, voted, the 2nd last polytechnic in Singapore just above Republic. Wow, what the hell....? You may say this poll has no basis, but I have come to realise this poll is just showing me the solid proof of what is seen by any Singaporean. SP dominated the poll, followed by Ngee Ann who is just about half of SP's leaving the others with single digit numbers.

I just have a feeling I might've made a grave mistake.

2010-01-19T08:45:00.002+08:00

Hey anyone want to learn to earn money from the internet?? It's very simple. Just go here to check it out. Subscribe to this free service to earn free money (: Risk-free and safe. They don't even ask for your bank acct! And you don't have to subscribe when you click the link, why not just take a look about what it can offer? It won't bite!

Hahaha please do just click the link, it'll help! Click, click! xD

Ok so remember the last time I blogged about SHS? And Nakamura Tsuyoshi was such a coward and all?? Well, I gotta say he's my favourite character in the drama! He's so cute and all, but sticks to his Dono till the end. Even when he knows he might get into big big trouble, he believed that his Dono will uphold justice (: Ah just love him <3

woots 8 days till posting results!

Blogging abt current events!

2010-01-15T11:34:00.003+08:00

ah, yes my results, you were asking? Well, don't. Because they're not single pointers or anything and they suck. They were pretty much the results I was expecting because of my lack of discipline in the last sprint. Yes, I might've been first in class but these results won't get me anywhere I really want to go. I failed a subject, got one single distinction and everything else was mediocre. Enough to satisfy your curiosity?

Anyway, I'm not here to shit about my results. I'm here to get AHEAD of that and talk about current events~!

Current event no. 1!
My courses. I know I said I wanted to go to a JC. But the day before my results, I've promised myself that if I don't get a disctinction for my Sci, it just means I won't qualify for the Sci stream and there's no other reason why I should go to a JC. Which is why, all my top choices are Polytechnics. Here they are (:

One - Creative Writing for TV and New Media (SP)
Two - Media Studies And Management (NYP)
Three - Visual Effects And Motion Graphics (SP)
Four - Mass Communication (NP)
Five - Digital Visual Effects (NP)
Six - Multimedia And Animation (NP)
Seven - Moving Images (T23)
Eight - Digital Visual Effects (NYP)
Nine - Pioneer Junior College, Arts
Ten - Innova Junior College, Arts
Eleven - Digital Media Design, Interaction Design (NYP)
Twelve - NIL

Messed up huh? Well, they're what I want and I've thought deeply about it. If I'm not gonna be a doctor, at least let me do what I love.

Current Event No. 2!
I'm back on the AMV business. Yep, I just finished 1 minute of my new AMV and I'm already tired! That's because I'm fusing many many scenes together to maky my own, something that didn't actually happen in the anime itself. Take a look at the scr shot for a little preview.

I guess you can guess which anime I'm using, I assume? haha of course, it'll be concentrating on the two main characters and the sub-character whom I'll make a main, Lady Eclair Tonerre. It's pretty tiring since I have to make it look like these things are happening in chronological order (which they are not) and also make the flashback seem appropriate. Teehee. Watch out for it, okay!

Current Event no. 3!
I'm currently taking a new subject I'm trying hard to learn. I believe if I excel in this, I'll be ahead of my future classmates in Poly, or maybe perhaps JC. It's a cool technique which makes you write fast, about 80-100 words per minute (faster than an average person's heartbeat) and it's not as hard to learn as compared to shorthand techniques ^^ So yeah, wish me the very best!

Current Event no. 4!
Back into my guitar and keyboard. Watch out for videos as I may have ut clips of me playing the guitar/keyboard haha. They'll suck, but I just want to see how I play, since I can't when I'm playing ^^

That's pretty much all for now. I'll be back for more random events.

2010-01-11T00:38:00.003+08:00

Look at the email sent to me by Christin, my beloved sayang.

Hi, my name is Wong Kang Zheng. I am 15 years old, and I have testis cancer .. I also have a large penile fracture, from repeated beatings. Doctors say I will die soon if this isn't fixed, and my family can't pay the bills.

The Make A Wish Foundation, has agreed to donate 50 cents for every time this message is sent on.

For those of you who send this along, I thank you so much, but for those who don't send it, what goes around comes around. Have a Heart, please send this.

Please, if you are a kind person, send this on. PLEASE HIT FORWARD BUTTON NOT REPLY BUTTON.

YOUR'S FAITHFULLY,
Wong Kang Zheng
Justin.Wong@makeawish.com
( PLEASE HELP ME LIVE LIKE YOU DO)

Funny, huh? Well, it definitely didn't look like a "Make a Wish Foundation" chain letter to me. And does that even exist? I was thinking how stupid it would be to be asking money from people when you're taking photo with a pretty decent CoolPix camera, don't you think so? And you would be showing how much you suffered and all, not some picture you would put in facebook.

So I was bored and did a little research. Ah-ha, I knew I was right. Make-A-Wish Foundation does not get money from chain letters. I repeat they don't make money from chain letters. It's amazing how so many people can think this is real? Although such foundation does exist to make wishes come true to truly needy people who don't "cam-whore" with their very own CoolPix camera.

Well not-so-amazingly, other bloggers have also expressed their confusion towards this particular mail. Know why? One person could've spent 10 minutes to read it. Forward it to about 50 people, and 8+ hours would've been lost. Each person sending to 50 other people would produce quite a number of days being lost, don't you think? And there's also people like me, who are bored enough to do some research and blog about this ridiculous chain mail.

Please la, don't be ridiculous and throw that reputation of yours down the drain. This just seems like a scam where this boy(whoever this person is, WKZ or not) is just being targetted by stupid losers who have nothing better to do than waste people's precious time. These mail scammers are too childish and naive to think of others. What about the really poor and sickly who did the same thing as you and actually get rejected thanks to your "very funny" scam? What about the foundation who has better things to do than to reply to hundreds inquiries everyday about your scam? What about people like us, who do want to help but just don't because you childish people do stupid things like this?

Like this mail said, what goes around comes around. Think twice before you act because you never know who might be actually dying thanks to your shallow joke.

2010-01-04T16:11:00.003+08:00

Was today tiring!! I now know how tiring it is to stand for 8 damn hours and promote!!!! O
g it's tiring I tell u lucky xuan ru was there to take over,if nt I died! The customers are not that nice as in sch and there were very few people to make friends with, but still fun xD it's better than to be trapped inside he house doing nth but gaming T . T and yes, I'm blogging with my phone yet again :D I now know why it's so fun to blog with ur phone xD it's like, u can just blog what u feel like at tt very
moment (: and I met this guy called Thomas, super nice guy.. But I see him damn ker lian cause he have to Arrange the shoes nicelyxD I guess guys are really nicer when u come across the work world (except A FEW exceptions, if u know who I mean) haha xuan ru also damn ker lian, must work last minute xD haha but he good, make me wait half an hr in my ready tired feet! He pro lo.. Ok la I'm otw home and gonna rest sia, retail is super tiring now I know.. I guess it's like the johnnys boys wanting so much to debut and then found out debut life super killer :/

2009-12-29T09:48:00.002+08:00

haha,what's up? Im at my workplace,at chong boon sec blogging with my phone. I know,it's expensive right? Well,whatever. Im so bored and i feel like blogging. Im like so sian cuz no one's coming and i have so much to sell! And what's more, i only have till thursday to sell 50 shoes, 60 rain shoes, 60 cleaners and 60 insoles. Gaaah! What a bother, i dont want to get scolded by boss. And ben just makes my blood boil, i just wana sell these stuff and make him shut up xD he's so evil,bt only to me!! How evil is that! Just because i pangseh him x.X he made it sound like I KNOW he was carrying 20 cleaners @$%*&# how the hell would i know >_> and who's the guy who has worked there for 3 years and blames a girl with 3 weeks experience? Grrr i wana curse his a levels! Ah well, whatever. Im gona stop working soon enough anyway.

2009-12-20T13:57:00.002+08:00

Been working for quite long now! Let me rewind a bit to tell all about my work experience!

First School - Yew Tee PS
Ok, first off. This school is the one I've had most trouble with so far, maybe because I'm still such a noob. Still, I managed to pull through. It was one of the most tiring working days and I didn't get much, but yeah, good experience. I wouldn't want to go back there though. It made me feel like work is a killer. I don't want to work and I'd rather be at home slacking. So yeah, tiring!

Second School - Bedok North Sec
Ok this school ROCKS! I mean seriously, this school has seriously nice people, one of the nicest people I've ever met. I met a friend who helped the bookshop lady, she LOVES YamaP! It was so fun meeting someone into Johnnys and I felt work isn't so bad after all. The OSO Lady also helped me alot, she was really fun and helpful. I had to spend 1.5hrs just to reach there but I wouldn't mind going there again, it was a good school with good people. The only person who was a bit unfriendly to me was the OM, but I don't blame him xD He's much nicer than my school's OM, Mr. Boh!

Although I remembered that day, QH annoyed me so much I feel like shoving her off >_>" Ok, first day of work, we wanted to meet together with my work friend, Xue Ying, but QH was horribly late since QH got lost. So I smsed her we left off first and went off to the office. When QH called me, I tried to help her but my phone went blank. The battery was dead and I had NO idea how to contact her. I would've borrowed Xue Ying's phone, but I didn't know QH's number. It was all in my contacts. So yeah, knowing I had NO ABSOLUTE WAY of contacting her, I went home and charged my phone, and called her to see if she was ok.

She gave me a horrible attitude but I just went along with it since I DID pangseh her. The next day, I decided to wait for her since I sort of owed her. She kept giving me the same damn attitude I feel like killing her! But whatever, I'm nice enough to let it off for that day. I don't know, I still feel it's not my fault. My phone was blank and I had totally no way of contacting her, I went home to charge and ask if she was ok. I thought that was the best I could do. Seriously, she pisses me off sometimes.

Third School - Chong Boon Sec
This school was also really nice and fun. The staff was really friendly and all, and all the parents I served were nice and considerate. The uniform Auntie talked to me when there were no customers. The Security Guard Uncles and Auntie were really nice to me as well, they treated me like a student in the school. Throughout, Chong Boon was really nice and fun. I even thought of wanting to email the Principal of how the school has been so thoughtful towards me (:

Fourth School - St Joseph's Institution
This school was alright. The thing I just had to remember were the ANTS RIGHT BELOW ME!!! Those ants were swarming below me and I was trying my best to forget them being there. The teacher who talked to me was nice as well, he was really friendly and easy to talk to. Although he keeps saying "Good Girl", I feel like a dog xDD haha, I guess that's how he treats his guy
students. FYI, this IS a Boys School.

Ok done. haha. I have to talk about this company joke that's been going around for around 3 days. Ok, there's this guy called Benjamin. I don't know him, seriously. I only know he's Xue Ying's senior. So anyway, I was taking the same bus as him and he didn't even smile and say hi at me! So I thought he don't know me or anything. He was going to alight at the wrong stop and I just let him alight. I thought he was gonna take another bus and alight to the right stop. Instead he walked all the way to the office from that stop xD When I saw him all sweaty and tired, I couldn't help but laugh (hey I AM sadistic sometimes) and he remembered. He told his brother, and a LOT of people working in the company. I was like... What was I supposed to do??? xDD hahahah, maybe if he DID smile at me or say hi, I would've told him it was the wrong stop xD Teehee, what goes around comes around right?? xD

I've got a job (:

2009-12-03T07:39:00.002+08:00

Wow so long no update? Geehee I've been pretty busy (slacking) and had no time to update xD Haha but I came here with important and great news, I got a job xD It's so weird cause I thought I'd be getting the Zoo job by now, but I didn't. It has been a WEEK since I've applied and no reply, so I decided to be bold and apply 3 other jobs. Guess what? My first interview was great, I was shortlisted and I'm going to work today. Wow things go so fast right? Yup yup but I'm glad I got a job.

I feel so sorry for LC and CE X.x because I wanted to share the Zoo job with them, instead I didn't get the job but got a different job instead. The job is to mainly sell these school shoes in primary schools. You'll get $5-8/hr, and commission on top of that. So yeah, sounds good yeah? A good job means good competition. There were like dozens of people before me and I was SUPER scared, but hahahahahaha lady luck was luckily with me xD And I'm like in the lousiest school of the shortlisted people, am I sad or what?? There's NTU, Unity, Swiss Cottage and all the other good schools and me, Dunearn. Blehh, I feel nooby xD but whatever, I'm gonna work hard since I got this job, although this job ends in December, that is if I won't get fired xD Wish me luck ^_^v

2009-11-20T08:07:00.003+08:00

hahaa blogging in the morning once again. Grr I'm so tired. Tired cause of yesterday and tired of my mother. It's annoying seeing how emotional both of us could get and it's like we're on an emotional competition, let's see who can be more emotional, huh? What a stupid, fked up game.

I'm trying to be nice and all for 3 days, 3 long fking days and she doesn't even appreciate it. Forget it. I wonder why I ALWAYS FIGHT WITH HER, GET ALONG, AND THEN FIGHT AGAIN?! What's the meaning of making up when we're going to fight again. I'm so tired and annoyed of this stupid routine and I have always wanted to stop it. Seriously, I did. But I don't know why, I'm SO WEAK AND COULDN'T HELP BUT THINK THE FIGHT COULDN'T GO ON ANY LONGER. Well you know what, this routine CAN NO LONGER BE TOLERATED. I'm fked up with this and I want it to change. CHANGE!!!!

The longest 'fight' there was was for 2 weeks, where I finally told myself to continue the routine again. I was wrong, I should never have and wouldn't be in this position right now. It's all my fking fault to think my 'mature' thinking would get me to 'a better place'. I think she was pissed I bought those rotten and ill-bred clothes. But so what, I tried to make her happy. Believe me I had to say no to every skirt that I love so much because I knew my mother would not like it. I was drawn into buying these pants that cost $120 just because my mother would be more pleased and I would look more conservative(Do I look like I'm showing skin?? I don't even have a skirt in my closet, EXCEPT MY SCHOOL SKIRT!)

Stupid me to always be this way. I can't take it any longer. It's always like this. Which was why I never did forgive my father. He had made mistakes too many for me to just want to accept him just like that. Even if I did, I'm gonna get super hurt again. I couldn't forget every time when I lowered my wall between him and me and end up getting stabbed bad. So since I realised it, I never lowered my wall. I only lowered my wall with my mother, but I think now it's time to permanently raise it up and keep it that way forever. I can't stand this, I'm so weak at this and I don't want to end up getting hurt so badly every time she isn't pleased with something.

It's all my fcking fault

2009-11-19T08:45:00.002+08:00

Wahahaha it's the start of the day and I just watched Liar Game 2 Epi 1, wa quite nice. But I don't know if it can be so good as to keep LG's reputation. So far, it feels the same which isn't good. Season 2 should be better! The only thing I liked better in LG2 was the Ryo Lady, she looks so mysterious but I love her hair!! And she's clever :D Although she's not exposed that much in the first epi, I think my curiosity towards her will make me watch more of LG2.

Anyway, I wanted to buy The BEST of Aqua Timez album!!! It has ALL my favourite songs, and some I've never heard before. BUT, it's SGD$60. OMG! I'm gonna cry T_T It costs even more expensive than my Prom Dress!!! I really wanted it nano ni T_T

sobs.It has Niji(Gokusen 3), Chiisana Tenohira, Sen No Yoru Wo Koete(Bleach Movie), ALONES( OMG ONE OF MY 2 ALL-TIME FAVOURITE OPENINGS FROM BLEACH), Saigo Made (the song playing on the sidebar), Velonica (Bleach), Stay Gold, Honto Wa Ne and other songs I've never heard of. OMG I WANNA BUY IT!!!! @_@ WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE SO EXP!!! The only other album I bought was like.... $10. OH mans, and I really wanted to be an Aqua Timez Fan nano ni ): **grumbles about how she doesn't have enough money to buy it**

RAWR! And did I tell you how Shokotan isn't going to have an Autograph session?!!! WHAT!! How can Shokotan not have an Autograph session!!! I want to meet her, shake her hand, hug her!!! OMGOSH!!! RAWR!!! Stupid~ T_T And the ticket's SOOOO Exp. How do you expect the home fans to buy it?!!! Stupid T_T Most home fans are too young to work okay!!! GRRRr *grumbles some more about how the concert tickets are SGD$108 per day*'

Rawr I want to get a nice work in future, then I CAN BUY ALL THESE THING I COULDN'T!!!

2009-11-18T16:24:00.002+08:00

I'm back home~ Yatta :D But, D2 and QH are evil!!! They say they want come to my house, then they never. Now I'm alone at home T_T Hmm but QH is eviller! You see, she told me umpteenth times that she'll go to AFA, but she didn't!!! Then she told D2 umpteenth times that she'll go my house today, and she didn't!! Concrete evidence she's evil. Evil~~~ IIIIIIVVAAARUU!!

Ok, so umm did I tell you how much I sucked today for my religious class exams??? OMG I sucked! Confirm 2 exams fail already, but whatever. Hell with it. I'm going shopping tomorrow :D SHOPPING!! I so want to buy something nice for AFA (: I'm so into gothic lolita xD But I have to change my style as I grow up =/ Imagine if you see a 25 yr old lady wearing huge ribbons and frills?? Not cute right?? *nods nods*

And I'm so hungry. I have to remember my wish of losing 10kg before Feb begins T_T Goodness, how the hell am I supposed to do that?? ?? ??Nvm nvm let's be even more random and end this post now :D haha, bye!

2009-11-17T10:01:00.004+08:00

Wahahahaha I'm so engrossed in my animes and dramas (: But the habit of blogging has kicked in xD Let's see, from 8 to 9.30, I've watched FMA Brotherhood, Fairy Tail, Shoujoko Seira and Samurai High School. I couldn't stop laughing at this one...

Hahaha there's a Mrs. Grumman in FMA brotherhood xDD Honestly, there isn't. Take a look at THIS person...

This is Mr Grumman, the true identity of "Mrs Grumman". Iwas laughing so hard how an old man turned into a woman!! And I wasn't the only one, Colonel Roy Mustang was laughing too! xD And FMA is seriously getting nice :D Ehh... Fairy Tail is too. Erza rocks man! But the thing is, the subber had a lot of mistakes. I guess it's hard to sub and all (especially when everyone's rushing you to get the job done real fast) so yeah, I'll let it slide. Maybe I should join some fansubbing group and become an editor, my Jap isn't all that good but I do know when it's right or wrong, and my English isn't that bad either (:

Hehe if anyone wants to recruit me, douzo douzo~ haha xD okay I'm gonna go audi now, have to brush up on my skills. LC and CE are killing me!! [ haha I love writing people's names in 2 letters xD]

2009-11-16T10:51:00.004+08:00

Wow I blog so frequently nowadays! Maybe I found the pleasure in writing stuff here, like a year ago? I think my life has turned worthless, I should be good at something and live for that purpose. Living life without a purpose can lead him/her to suicide x.X

I've just watched the first episode of Samurai High School... To be honest, I completely agree with the scriptwriter. SHS shows the brutal truth about the world and how money seemed to make the world go round. SHS brings up a boy who sucks at academic studies and all, he's the type of loser you'd see in school that have no absolute purpose, live life goofing around and feels fine when others laugh at him. Reminds you of anyone in school??

So he has an alter ego that's a Samurai, one that has a purpose in life and takes everything seriously, totally the opposite of him right? Ok I'm not going to talk so much about the drama because I'm not promoting it. I just want to comment about this phrase.

"People will only listen to what the strong and intelligent people have to say.
The strong will always continue to win.
The weak will continue to get nothing.
That will never change.
That's why losers like me shouldn't cling to false hope."
Nakamura Tsuyoshi, Samurai High School

The strong and intelligent people will always get the upper hand. This is inevitably true. I know it and I've heard it millions of times which is one of the reasons why I chose to be in a JC and be a surgeon. Because no matter how hard you're gonna work, you can't be filthy rich if you're a stupid person. Even the person who made facebook had to find his way to the person that made his idea come to life. If not, he'll just be the same as any of the school drop-outs. Some people have made it from places that CMI, that's because they changed. They started to think, they became intelligent and stopped being stupid. That's why they made it from places that can't.

I don't know but it's my personal opinion. If you know the CMI place that I'm speaking of, please don't get offended. There was that person from Adam Khoo's workshop, she said "I was working in this other place for quite some time. I had two employees under me, one a Degree holder and the other a Diploma holder from Republic Poly. The Degree Holder could never get his job right at first, he asked me repetitively about his assignments whereas the Diploma Holder, although also uncertain about her assignment, was very resourceful and managed to do her work really well. However when it was time for someone to be promoted, it had to be the Degree Holder because that's how the world works."
[by the way, the CMI place is NOT republic poly]

Money does not make the world go round. It's the people that makes the world go round. Money is just a piece of paper, but it's how man use it that makes it more precious than gold.

2009-11-15T17:14:00.003+08:00

I'm back from my Religious Class! Wahh was today tiring, but okay la. Finished 2 of my exams~ So I'm now getting back to my dramas, but I actually watched She's The Man xD Was funny and quirky but wasn't really "inspired" by it =/

One thing, Amanda Bynes is hot! I have no idea how Olivia thinks the girl Sebastian is hot 0.o Anyway, I think it was a lousy base plot, she wants to play soccer and so she pretended to be her brother? Way too surreal. No one would do that =.=" And twins of the opposite gender can never be identical, so they're simply siblings. Try thinking of going to your brother's school just to play soccer?

I don't know, I've watched Hana Kimi and actually liked it, but I only felt this movie was alright. It wasn't amazing, and I have no genre to put it in. It wasn't particularly funny, nor was it romantic. It's not amazing or whatever. I felt it just wasted my time. A mediocre 3.5/5. I guess they wanted to try everything and not get anything fulfilled.

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So uhh, I just realised I cannot make money from youtube, coz my channel isn't popular. How friggin stupid is that. UGGHH!!! Stupid. Whatever, I'm gonna start with the script for the Fatal Frame movie (:

Oh yes, I guess I'll follow DanDan. Happy bday to Siyi and my Dad and whoever whose birthday is on 15th Nov. Yay you're one year older, can go take driver's license!! wahahahahahhahaha~~

And another thing, I want to form a band!!! AHHHH form a band!!!! Let's see I can play the guitar and a bit of the keyboard. OMG I really wanna form a band man. It'll be so cool if we can like make an all-girls band and be super good at it~!!

2009-11-14T18:52:00.002+08:00

Phew I am done updating my blog nicely this time (:
It's super simple and there's KAME!!! smoking xDD
anyway, I think something simple would be easy to sort out and my blog can start its life anew (:
Haha....
Look look, I have my desires too!! I should add more in time xD And more pictures, I shouldn't be a blogger that just broods over life, right? Wow I think I seriously matured mans! And got more normal ): Is that even a good thing?

By the way, I'm having trouble choosiung over Lolita, Gothic or Punk. I certainly like Gothic Lolita, but QH and LC doesn't and I sorta wanna share clothes with them so that our expenses can be managed. The clothes are DAMN exp man, I feel like fainting when these shoes that are SOOOO loved are like $144 x.X Damn it, why can't I be like QH or LC who chose just $50/$70 boots. Nvm la, I have to finish watching my dramas and study for my Religious Exams tmr. Sian...

2009-11-13T21:46:00.002+08:00

OMG OMG GOKUSEN MOVIE IS COMING TO SINGAPORE!!
YES and it's going to be very very SOON!!
OMG OMG OMG *squeals*

ok, *calms down* omg, I didn't know my wish actually came true. They ARE coming to the theatres in Singapore on 19th Nov, and that's a great time, coz that's after o levels and before I start work. Yay, banzai!

Now I can't wait, I'm so going to go and see my lovely Kame and super hot Yankumi doing their awesome thing. Oh ya, Takaki and Miura are gonna be there too!!! *squeals again* OMG and today was pretty great, we went to like ALOT of places but Bugis and Alice 88th was the best! We tried like, loads of stuff and I love their skirt!!! Their skirts are like SOOOO adorable, but I wasn't sure if my mum would let me buy it so I'm gonna wait until next thursday xDD Anyway, if you like Japanese Fashion, definitely go to Catz Aparrels and Alice 88th! hahaha unfortunately, there was a CAT! But the cat was extremely nice and I think if I go there for a couple more times, I'd definitely be able to like it more (:

Oh and I still never watched Coraline! It looks cool so yeah, definitely gonna watch that. Anyway, my legs are HURTING and I want to get some sleep. So yeah, next time you see me I'm gonna go all gothic lolita babey~. that is my mom permits. xD

2009-11-07T10:13:00.004+08:00

OMG recently, I've been crazy about gothic lolita T_T
ok honestly, I was researching shops for 星子ちゃん but ended up getting myself in love with it! I mean, come on, who wouldn't?!?!!

So I was thinking, why not I go for it? Ok, maybe not gothic. I'll give that to 星子ちゃん　and I'll become kurololi!! omg they're so cute T_T x.X and my mom thinks I'm crazy wanting platform boots and mini hats =.=||

Although I said boots, I LOVE shoes from Atsuki T_T But they're like... $100 per pair!!!! And I've told myself I can only spend $50 for boots (: Yep Yep I've decided to spend only $200 for shopping nyaa!! ^_^v I've spent $50, so I'm gonna spend another $50 for contacts, $50 for boots and another $50 for shopping with 星子ちゃん and 猫ちゃん $_$ sad nee, $200 flew away just like that! Gehe~ But I'm a heavy spender, so what?!!

Goshie the shoes are SO lovable!

Ahhh the shoes!! The shoes!!! Yes I love this btw~ Although it IS gothic lolita T_T
And this whole outfit is $200. Oh goshie~

This one is the one I'm sorta aiming for!!!! BUT it's $78!!!!

Yeah more things to be updated soon! Kehe, btw all photos are from Atsuki GL at this website. Do go take a look!

HAHA to be continued, I seriously have to go study now. Because I TOTALLY didn't study Malay Lit and I know I screwed up like 14 marks from SS. OH GOSH!!!!

2009-11-06T14:15:00.002+08:00

haha I'm blogging again in this SUPER dead blog! Because I finally have time to slack off a bit because there's only Malay Lit and Sci MCQ left :D

Which means, O levels are gonna be over soon!!! Yep Yep, can't wait ^_^ But I'm still pretty scared about the results. You see I studied HARD for prelims, and I didn't study AT ALL for O levels, which tells you what?? Which tells you I'll only be getting worse results for my O levels T_T This is ultimately scary, huh? I have no idea how other people could actually go through this. Oh God.

And tells you another thing, I might not get to a JC, I might not be able to go to Poly even. Oh God. Whatever since I still have 2 papers like that might still change everything!!! If I get A1 for Sci and Humans (which is practically impossible for someone like me), than maybe I CAN get to a JC/Poly.

Whatever why am I ranting and ranting about O levels anyway?? Let's just talk about fun things xD

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So, I checked up Channel V to find out ARASHI won the BOP(Battle Of the Pop)! HAH knew it. There goes solid proof that Jpop is definitely still more popular than Kpop, although Kpop is rising to fame, too much for their own good maybe??

Jpop has been the first to benefit from Kpop/Jpop craze. One of the people that benefitted greatly from this craze is Johnny Kitagawa, a darn genius in using his boys for money and personal gain. He has amazing eyes that can spot ikemens from years away. When the boys are all little chibis (and some not so chibis), they go for auditions to impress and sell themselves to Johnny. With Johnny's help of grooming them nicely and also horribly most of the time, they are able to get fame not only in Japan, but in Singapore, Philippines, France and many other countries everywhere in the world.

Johnnys(the boys of Johnny's Entertainment) specialise in all things, including singing, acting, and variety shows although not many can pull it off. Some are great in singing but horrible in acting, others the opposite, and there are also some that can't do anything at all! However despite all these weaknesses, JE have always had a great reputation and will always be treated in such a way due to how the community perceive them to be. Like the saying goes, "Beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder."

Now don't get me wrong, I AM a JE fan, however I still see the truth in JE, where although Johnnys expose them to almost everything, they aren't perfect boys whom can do everything perfectly, although everyone perceive them to be as so. Some Johnnys does have the image to be perfect such as Matsumoto Jun (Domyouji), Tackey and Yamashita Tomohisa (Akira).

Kpop rose to great fame when groups like TVXQ, SS501 and Super Junior sing and act, similar to the Idol Industry in Japan, to gain recognition first in Korea, then literally all over the world. Recently, there's been a huge craze of 'Nobody' by Wonder Girls, due to their particularly addictive beats and beautiful looks, and beautiful is probably an understatement. 'Nobody' was ironically sung by everyone and was played everywhere that even myself, who find the song quite catchy, got tired of listening to that song that has dozens of 'Nobody's in it. However it had the opposite effect in others, where more people came to like it until Wonder Girls actually went to America and sang their English version in the Jonas Brothers Concert, something Johnny can never get his boys to do, perhaps in the future.

Unfortunately, happiness is short-lived. Many of these very popular bands from Korea usually get to enjoy their fame for a year or so, until they just disappeared from Earth. No matter how popular they may be, they cannot beat how long Johnny has monopolised the Idol Industry in Japan and never will in the near future.

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I ended up being really serious huh? haha but this is my opinion. so yeah (: gonna go slack some now, jyaa naa~

2009-10-20T15:43:00.002+08:00

wahahah me posting again (: with my new lappy xD sort of cool, but I have to be stuck with this netbook for 2 years! yeah...

Anyways... MY prelims suck like fished? Omg don't make me start complainign my prelims. but I odn't really care for it now, now is o levels ^^ umm just forgot I need to do something. hehe, bye~

2009-09-22T21:18:00.004+08:00

Ok so here I am going to rant in this super-dead blog (:
It's ok if you don't want to read, because it's not for you to read then.
This is only for those who want to read and don't mind listening to me complaining *hehe*

Thanks to the stupid O levels, the tension is super high now. I have so many things to learn yet so little time. 5 weeks? Yeah, 5 weeks. I can't become what I want like this. And my mom isn't encouraging. For me, I want to strive to become a surgeon, NO MATTER WHAT! Even if I have to waste a year or two, I want to become a surgeon. But my mom is like, "It's ok if you can't, just get another job." but I DON'T WANT ANOTHER JOB! I want to be a surgeon, one who actually achieves her dream and is able to save people. make them feel better. WHY CAN'T SHE SEE WHAT I SEE? I want my dream, I want to make it mine. It's my life and I can do what I want. I can't change my past, but I can mould my future.

If you haven't watched Niini No Koto Wasurenaide(NNKW), then you may not know this but I think I'm like the main character, Keisuke. But you know what, at first he was so sure in overcoming the disease. Yet, in the end, he succumbed to the disease and wanted to die without any resurrection. Will I be like him? In the end, I'll just be succumbed to the cruel, bitter reality. The reality that no one can achieve dreams. This stupid reality that I don't want to accept. Everyone should be able to dream and achieve their dream. It's just whether they work hard enough for it or not. Keisuke may not achieve his dream, but I don't have brain cancer. I don't have to go through chemo like he did. So I want to get my dream. My plain dream that's just like a mere cloud in the sky, so near yet so far.

Ok enough with me engulfing in my sad worries. I have to move now, and you have to too (:

English: My vocab, and my comphre. A.
E Maths: LOTS more practice. B4 isn't going to cut it.
A Maths. LOTS LOTS LOTS of practice. A C6 will do.
POA: B3. UNDERSTANDING AND CONFIDENCE! Get to know how to do all the questions and how to do them.
SS: Remember all the pointers and PRACTICE! B3
Malay Lit: Read up the stuff, KNOW HOW TO DO!B3
Chem: Practice and read up~!A2
Physics: Formula, formula and more formula~ And definitions.A2

For my Science:
Chem paper: 50/67 (42) 8m difference
Physics paper: 55/67(40) 15m difference
Practical: 25/30 (20) 5m difference
MCQ: 34/40 (28) 6m difference

For my SS:
SBQ: 16/25(13) 3m difference
SEQ: 20/25(16) 4m difference

For my Malay Lit:
Compulsory section: 19/25(17.5) 2.5m difference
Unseen section: 20/25(17.5) 3.5m difference

For my English:
Paper 1: 45/60 (33 <-- I usually get 40+ for prelims I took the wrong risk) 12m difference
Paper 2: 38/50 (31.5) 6.5m difference

E Maths:
Paper 1: 60/80 (45) 15m difference
Paper 2:75/100 (65) 10m difference

A Maths:
Paper 1: 43/80(38) 5m difference
Paper 2: 60/100(29) 31m difference

POA:
Paper 1: 24/40(18.5) 5.5m difference
Paper 2: 45/60(33) 12m difference

2009-09-18T21:40:00.004+08:00

Prelims are over and so starts 5 weeks to O levels! Haha, are you getting nervous, people? Relax, O levels aren't like life. You get second chances ;D

Teehee, so anyway, I want to psyche myself a bit about O levels, so I did this!

Back To School Countdown

&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;a href="http://www.7is7.com/otto/countdown.html?year=2009&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;month=10&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;date=26&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;hrs=8&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;ts=12&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;min=0&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;sec=0&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;tz=480&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lang=en&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;show=Wdhms&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;mode=t&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;cdir=down&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;bgcolor=%23CCFFFF&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;fgcolor=%23000000&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;title=Countdown%20To%20O%20levels%21"&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;Countdown To O levels!&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/a&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;

MySpace Countdowns

2009-08-29T10:57:00.002+08:00

こんばんは。
なんか、厭な気持ちがある。僕の所為かな。悪いな人、僕かな。だって、僕の大切な人今回も僕にあの同じことやってたんだ。なんか放れたいよ、この人生は。友達があっても、何時か僕に見捨てっでしょう。

空はずっとそうだった。ずっと一人で、みんなを見てる。
僕も空になりたい。
友達と家族を見て、何時も守って上げる。
だけど空はたった一人じゃない。
空なりたいけど、友達が無いの人生はいやぁ。
全てを見捨て、そんな人生はいやあだ。
空になりたい、でも空になりたくない。

そら子でして。
僕の気持ちは難しいかもしれないけど、僕も人間だよ。僕も欠点があります。
だからごめんなさい。
僕はこのようにされてしまってごめんなさい。

2009-08-16T21:20:00.002+08:00

I'm tired, so so tired.

fucking tired.

O levels my foot.

O levels can go and die for all I care. Is this what they call over-stressed? What the fuck man, I'm just looking over my future plans, even when I look at it now it just seems impossible.

I mean. Ok, let's be honest. This is what I'm probably going to get anyway...

EL: C6
ML:B4
EM:B4
AM:E8
POA: D7
SCI: C5
HUM:B4

L1R5: 30.

I might as well just be a normal person and go through poly and work till your ass off, get shouted at by your obnoxious boss and be a S'porean that knows nothing more than complaining. Why am I even trying sia? Fishes.

俺の人生もう意味がないんだよ。俺の人生はここまでだ。もういやぁ。もうどうでもいやぁ。このくそ人生。何で俺の人生こんなになったんだよ。

2009-08-13T17:08:00.002+08:00

こんばんは、みんなさん。
そら子です。
今日は、“紺かつ”は見たんだ。素敵なドラマです。
上田さんもかっこいいよ！
いいのアイデアだね、道が守るために、彼があのこと遣ったんだ。
僕もあのこと遣りたい！

じゃあ、ここまで。
そら子より

2009-07-31T15:50:00.002+08:00

I'm bored, so I'm blogging! I'm much happier no one comes here anyway, so I can rant away. It's sad that it's deserted, still...

guess what? They're gonna extend Aung San Suu Kyi's trial! WHAT THE.... #$%$@^&%#^$!#@#$%!!! They're always doing this, doing this to kawaiso Suu Kyi. I feel like going to Burma and get her our of that crazy life RIGHT NOW! But you know what, I can't. I can't do that and that makes me so infuriated!! I talk about this crap stuff, but this is all I'm doing. Writing what I feel like in this blog, doing nothing at all in real life. I want to do something, I seriously do. But nothing gets to my head.

So anyway, this gave me motivation to work hard for my O levels!! You know, if I get successful and respected, people will listen to me. People will look at me, and I can do something. I need to work hard to be someone people can seek help from. I can actually do something for Suu Kyi(if possible, hopefully) and all the other future Suu Kyis out there. So for you all who's reading(if any), work hard if you want to do something. Are you angry about something, or someone? Then work hard in your O levels, and you'll have no idea how much power your job can give you (:

I may be wrong, but this can lead to something good. You never know....

Changing the subject, that Koh in school makes me so mad! He's evil I tell you, EVIL!!! He scolds me for NOTHING, he gives others a yellow form(which means you've done something BAD) for NOTHING and he scolds people without even THINKING!! Stupid, I want to get my Dad to write a letter about him. I want to make a petition to change him. I want to do something, but I'm extremely worried if I'm doing the right thing. For one thing, I hardly even know him. I can't be all that sure that he's made of just pure evil! So I'm just gonna write down the few cases I've piled up about him.

Case 1: Me getting scolded from him for the very first time, in 4 years.
I was looking for Ms Cao, to help me with my DSA form, so I knocked on the door of the staff room. 'knock knock', and his face appeared among many others. I understood many teachers have a lot of marking to do, so I took the courtesy to ask him really fast,...

"Tcher, is Ms Cao here?"

He, in my opinion being extremely rude, looked behind him, turned to me and smiled. So I, thinking his aged ears might've been spoiled a bit, kindly asked him again.

"Is Ms Cao here?"

He instead gave me a sinister smile and said, "I dono who yar taw-keen to." Translating to English, it's "I'm not sure who you're talking to."

My head went blank and I went, "Huh?" I'm quite sure I'm making eye contact with him and there was no one there, so no one would be in the right minds to say that now, would they? And then came along Christin happily saying "Hi, Mr. Koh" to him. He smiled, this time sincerely, to her and said, "Si, she say hi to me, you tork right that how I know yar taw-keen tsu me." Translating, it would be "She kindly said 'hi' to me which tells me she's speaking directly to me. Unlike you, who barges in and immediately asks for your teacher."

I might be rude, but I'm very sure the very reason why I "barged in and immediately asked for my teacher" is to make sure the teacher answering the door does not need to waste his or her time listening to my selfish request. He thought I was being impolite by doing so, which seems preposterous to me. Nevertheless, I kept smiling and said thank you as always.

Case 2: My clique irritated during recess.
I was walking to the table where my friends were eating, and the table beside us were full of plates with leftovers all over. Now, in my school it's a big crime to leave your plates and utensils on the table and they would make a huge fuss about this. It was there before I came, so I just sat beside my friends and continued the daily routine I've been having for the last 10 years. And then a few teachers started coming and asking us a few questions about who did it, a friend said "They were Chinese." and so they left, knowing there was nothing more they could do but to clean up the mess those childish people did.

And then, Koh came and started asking the prefect patrolling behind us about it. The prefect told him he didn't see who left the plates there. Koh, being perfectly insane in my opinion, started complaining about how the prefect should be perfectly able to see. It may be wrong for the patrolling prefect to not see it, but the teachers like himself are also patrolling, weren't they? And they also did not see the culprits, did they? That would simply mean he's also to blame. That would also mean he was in a very good position to see and he didn't. The prefect might've come later as they only got 5 minutes to eat, so it's not impossible to be a little late for their duty, but I don't see any reason why Koh didn't see the people who did it.

He started whining how incompetent the prefect was and even called another prefect and explained the story to him. It might be ridiculous of me, but I don't think the plates and utensils would fly to the basins where they should be if he just whined, am I right? Him whining does not make anything more than air pollution for us and the prefects. He even blamed another friend of mine who is a student leader for also being incompetent. My student leader friend actually was sitting on a bench where her back was facing that table, so she could not have seen the people who did it unless she has two eyes at the back of her head, that is. The prefect and my friend had to carry the plates and the utensils while he watched, thinking how incompetent they were.

These were the 2 cases I've seen with my own eyes, so I'm quite sure it wasn't made up or anything. I'm in no right to say this, but by judging on what I've seen, he's incompetent, he can't speak English properly, he thinks he's always right and he thinks everyone else is always wrong.

*by the way, if this post is incompetent in terms of its English in any way, please understand I'm not all that good in English so I would appreciate if you ignore the mistakes.

2009-06-28T11:53:00.002+08:00

As everyone might know, Michael Jackson had died at the age of 50 due to a cardiac arrest. I was super disappointed he died of a cardiac arrest, but anyway, what's fated is bound to happen right? By the way, cardiac arrest is when your heart was shock and therefore can't beat properly. In Michael Jackson's case, it was due to heart attack.

With a life full of popularity when he started his debut at 11, he was known to be excellent at singing and dancing. The signature Moonwalk made everyone awed by his ability. However, his talents and achievements are not what people acknowledge and is not what I want to bring up.

He was known to be a paedophile for molesting boys. However, he was not charged for the lack of evidence, not because of bail. All my life, I was told he escaped all of this because he was bailed out, but that was not the case. He did not sacrifice millions of dollars trying to get out of jail, instead he spent millions of dollars donating to 39 charities, more than any celebrity, ever.

The reason why he turned white was because of 2 diseases called vitiligo and lupus that made him paler by the day. Therefore, he had to even out his skin colour so that he won't look like an alien from Mars. Those 2 diseases are reasons why he is sensitive to sunlight, not because of bleaching so that he can turn white.

"Why not just tell people I'm an alien from Mars. Tell them I eat live chickens and do a voodoo dance at midnight. They'll believe anything you say, because you're a reporter. But if I, Michael Jackson, were to say, 'I'm an alien from Mars and I eat live chickens and do a voodoo dance at midnight,' people would say, 'Oh, man, that Michael Jackson is nuts. He's cracked up. You can't believe a damn word that comes out of his mouth.' "

—Michael Jackson

When I think of him now, my eyes get all teary because he was a man of talent. He had so much in him and because he was to talented and nice, people use it for money and for profit. I have no right to say whatever they reported were wrong, I don't have evidence to why he dangled his youngest son out of the balcony(by the way, it was not even a second). I am not a big fan of him and I hardly know him.

But I find it ridiculous to blame him all this time. And now, when he died, people are realising, 'hey, he's no so bad after all'. After his 50 years of life, people were 'he wasn't a paedophile, he was nice'. And I felt so sad for him. Because he was accused of so many things in his life, and only after his life was he really appreciated. Only after his death did people really see the damn truth that he was trying to show all along.

I was not a fan of his, but I felt all of this blaming was wrong. Al-Qaeda were accused of killing thousands of people but I believe MJ's life was hell worse than Osama's. I believe being accused of killing and getting a death sentence for what you really did is really better than getting accused of what you did not do, being called someone you're not your whole life. his whole life. He was a person, he has a bad side and a good side. But, until now, I still have not seen something so bad from him for him to have such a terrible life.

2009-06-26T02:46:00.002+08:00

the top j rockers/pop-pers? of all time?? Well, you asked the right person~ *u wished xD*

ok 1st j rock band that really rocks~ Aqua Timez
Known for their amazing music and lyrics, Aqua Timez have become one of the most popular bands to be promoted by animes, dramas and now, movies! Yes, the new single is going to be the theme song for Gokusen, The Movie.

Awesome animes have used their songs for openings such as Bleach, Code Geass and Brave Story. I don't really know why they're not as popular as Johnnys (don't get me wrong, I'm a Johnnys fan as well!) but their music are really awesome! The really popular one is ALONES. Now, if you're a jpop/jrock fan you MUST'VE heard it at least once, am I right? The song is talking about how you don't have to live for others, but live for yourself. I've heard it like..... 250 times? Uncountable! Other great songs are like Ketsui No Asa Ni, Niji, Velonica.

2nd GREAT artist~!!!!1 GReeeeN!

Now, I wouldn't be surprised if everyone went "who?" Now, GReeeeN may not be so popular, but their songs are solid. Esp if you love rock and a bit of pop mashed up together. They became popular overnight (not really xD) thanks to roookies, a drama that was also a big hit. Greeeen's songs gives this nice, homey but fresh feelings that will surely get you for more! Unfortunately, I'm not such a greeeen fan but I totally, absolutely LOVE and ADORE their two hit songs, Kiseki and Haruka. Other songs like Setsuna and Tobira are also loved!!!

They're the real-life hannah montanah? Well, no matter how awesome their music is, nobody got to know how the singers look like! There was one time they faces were blurred to make sure their identification are unknown. Well, let's just hope their music will keep getting better and better despite them being desperate for privacy.

3rd awesome artist~~~~~~ Orange Range!!!

Asa mo yoru mo koi kogarete!
yeah, Orange Range are known popular for their mashed up rock,pop and rap~ Their songs are incredibly fast and it is a huge challenge to just sing along. Their song, Ikenai Taiyou, was an OST for Hana Kimi (the super ikemen drama) and song Asterisk as Bleach's first opening.

Now now Orange Range may not be a bunch of ikemen guys that you'll glom over, but they ARE great singers and have awesome music originality. I roughly remember all their songs that I've heard from and how could I forget my favourite member xD All their music videos are extremely weird and interesting at the same time, which would make it awesome! So yeah, check them out and their new single, hitomi no saki ni ;D

2009-06-11T19:40:00.000+08:00

ugh I'm so pissed off cuz there are so many movies I wanna watch and I can't~!!!!!! It's so frustrating, the DVD isn't out, raw isn't leaked yet, subs are not out (duh) and I have no way to watch it!!! RAWR!!!!! Here are sequels of AWESOME presequels.

-Crows Zero 2
The first was bad ass sia! It was awesome. I loved every minute of it, although some parts were quite slow. The action scenes were solid! Oguri Shun is the main actor, he's acting as a pai kia and he wants to take over this pai kia sch, a sch no one has taken over before. Somehow he got people on his side, and he almost went crazy cause his comrades were hurt. Wentz is also inside, and the girl from 1 pound no fukuin :D oh yeah, miura haruma is in this 2nd movie!!! Can't wait for it to be leaked and subbed T_T

-Rookies SP
this was aired like, a year ago?!!! AHHHH I want rookies SP sub, why can't they sub it T_T I can't even find the raw lor >O< Rookies is about this paikia baseball club (deja vu??) known for being super pai kia after this incident where they hurt their opponents with baseball bats after losing to them. Then this teacher (smth like Yankumi, but more awesome??) was hired a year later (the baseball club was suspended for a year) and told them they can go to the Nationals if they want to. They treated him like shit at first, but slowly one by one he got their trust and they were like family! I know this story sounds super cliche, but this story is much much much better than Gokusen in my opinion. And you know what, the SP isn't subbed!!!! RAWR!!!!!!
-Rookies Movie
Yep after the special, there's the movie. It came out in May. WHERE'S MY ROOKIES!!! IF ONLY I CAN UNDERSTAND JAPANESE DAMMIT!

There's a lot more movies and I'm waiting eagerly for them, IF ONLY I UNDERSTAND JAPANESE, AND LIVE IN JAPAN!!! AHHHH CAN'T WAIT!!!

2009-05-23T09:07:00.002+08:00

Argh what a horrible start of a day!! My head is full of pessimistic stuff! GRRRR!!!!! And the MT o lvls are coming horribly fast!!!! STUPID!!!!

My Mid year marks are horrible!!! My goshiness I'm never gonna be able to beat my cousins this way. and that stupid, dumbfucker WL.

EL: 32/50 B4
ML:68/100 B3
Humans: 62/100 B4
E maths: 63/100 B4
A Maths: Paper 1: [nt given yet] Paper 2: 16/100 F9
POA: 48/100 D7
Science: Phy: 30/50 Chem: [nt given yet] C5

Nt even 1 A!!! Bloody !#@%#%&*^%&T@T^#%^#%@%!!!! I'm so fucking pissed off with everything today.

2009-05-15T13:07:00.002+08:00

Ugly J-rockers?

Take a read from this forum to get a view of what people are saying.

I was a bit of 'ugh' and 'pst' in the forum but I wasn't a member so I'm gonna write it here ^^ Ugly J-rockers, okay. To me, all J-rockers rock (unless some hopeless ones) I love J-rockers, left to right. Who are these people to say J-rockers look ridiculous?!

This might be a bias comment from a J-rock fan, but I ADORE specialty. These people look awesome, unique and good. What do you get from J-rock? Look...

From normal guys who just look like they live to rock...

To guys with girly hairs and huge specs (he's my fave member in the band btw)

to colourful hair and awesome eyes (u have GOT to agree with the eyes xD)

As you can see, J-rock comes from ALL types of people fashion, and music. To me, it seems a lot better than western music that looks the same. Or similar. Would these western artistes go to red carpet events looking like those colourful guys from Ayabie?? Definitely not.

Originality is so rare now, that western culture is getting ever so popular and influencing the world with their thoughts.

To summarise it all up, girls are all about....

Short pants

showy thighs

sleeveless wear

Showy, all the way. I haven't seen a western artiste, EVER, to not wear showy wear. And when one artiste do one thing and make it popular, it'll spread like a disease and everyone will do the same thing. Erm, when one person does something. Shouldn't you crack your brain and think of a new thing?? Come on, be more original.

In conclusion, I say J-rockers are much better being 'ridiculous' than look like the western people who are just the same, hair to toe. Start to think logically and feel which one sounds more idiotic and ridiculous. Following whatever they wear no matter what, or think of something that makes you different from the rest?

That's all I got to say =/

2009-05-06T21:09:00.003+08:00

Yabu: These days there are a lot of fans who don't follow the rules.
Hikaru: Please never come to our homes.
Fujigaya: THere're people who wait near our homes till late night.
Arioka: There's a law defining the time till which underaged people can be outside.
Takaki: Also, there are people who stare like perverts and make our neighbors uncomfortable.
Daijiro/Miyata: There're people who throw letters and things into our homes.
Yuto: And litter the entire neighborhood.
Yamada: We have many complaints from our neighbors.
Ryutaro: Because of this, it makes it hard for us to go home.
Yodogawa: Because of this, some of us even moved.
Chinen: Please never come our schools either.
Yabu: Please never wait for us near our schools.
Hikaru: Wouldn't you hate walking through a place with people staring at you?
Uekusa/Inoo: Some people start running when they find us and don't even apologize when they bump into other students.
Ari: We're not the only ones going to our schools. They're not concert venues!
Takaki/Sanada: You're causing problems for the other students and our friends.
Yuto/Taiga: You're making it hard for us to go to school.
Yamada: And you're causing our friendship with our precious friends to break.
Ryutaro: If you were in this position, how would you feel?
Goseki/Keito: When we're going to work and school on the train and planes as well-
Tama: We're causing trouble to the other passengers.
Chinen/Akun: At the train stations and airports, there are prople who ignore the general public, running and loudly shouting.
Yokoo: Cutting in at the entrances, blocking the ways.
Yabu/Shintaro: There are more people who don't follow the rules now, sometimes we almost fall off the platform.
Fumito/Hikaru: There are people who touch the train even though the doors have closed already-
Fujiie: And people who try to get in and make the trains late.
Junta: On the trains, around the general public-
Yuma: Loitering in the passageways and speaking loudly.
Nikaido: Being warned not to come and swearing.
Tsukada: When there're fans like these, because we don't walk around with guards-
Fujigaya: We have to get angry at the fans whom we should be treasuring.
Yuto: And when we meet fans who don't know the rules, some think that we're hurling abuse.
Yamada: We can't have guards on all of us.
all: If you support us, please stop it!!
Keito: So if you follow the rules and don't do these kind of things, please don't come after us even if you see us.
Chinen: Also, please follow the instructions given bYy fans who do follow the rules.
Taipi/Yabu: Because there are lots of people who do follow the rules, there haven't been any accidents yet.
Kitayama: But if things go on like this, it wouldn't be surprising if an accident does happen.
Hikaru: The Jr.s won't be able to go to school or work if things go on like this!
Inoo: Also, people who talk rudely or use curse words are not cool at all!!
Arioka: Fans who don't follow rules like that-
all: We really hate them!!
Takaki: Other than these, there are lots of people who put up lies and information that cause confusion on unofficial homepages and email news subscriptions.
Yuto: These people try to gain money and provocate by writing up on what we do-
Ishigaki: They are people trying to stamp us out.
Yamada: Johnnys net and Johnnys web are the only things you can trust.
Kitayama: Please never look at unofficial homepages nor make them!!
all: But the kinds of fans we love are these-
Chinen: People who cheer us on when we're on TV.
Yabu: People who look at and buy magazines.
A.B.C.: People who come see our concerts and stageplays.
Uekusa: People who send in comments to magazines and TV shows.
Arioka: People who enjoy being in the audience for TV shows.
Takaki: People who proudly support us with smiles.
Yuto: People who listen to their parents and support us.
Yamada: People who follow the rules and help each other out.
Daijiro: For these people, we work hard for concerts, events, and TV-
Hashimoto: So that everyone can have fun.
Fumito: Please give us power from where you support us!
all: Please keep supporting from now on too!

a plead by Johnny boys. Sad, huh? Some over-extreme fans went over the line and stalked them. Put cameras in their homes. CAMP near their houses. Crazy, huh?! Rather than feeling bad for these people who obviously have mental problems, I felt more bad for the guys who are totally innocent and have to go through these hard things. come on la, they're about my age. They're not gods or whatever and are not feelings-proof. So think about their feelings before you become officially mental and hurt your own idols.

2009-05-05T17:10:00.002+08:00

Finally, my tests are over. GOSH I'M FAILING! IT'S THE FIRST TIME I'M REALLY FAILING AND IT MAKES ME FEEL SO BAD AND HORRIBLE INSIDE! BTW have I told you I found out I'm a perfectionist??

Well, stereotypically, I thought that being a perfectionist means you want everything perfect. Which is not me, and true. BUT there's another meaning to perfectionism, which is you want to be better and keep going better until you can't, and when that happens you just have to be better (: If you really can't and fail, you'll get horribly emo and call yourself incompetent and the sort.

And I failed!!! Why do I have to fail?!! I felt so bad for failing la T_T good thing is, no one actually reads my blog now so I can talk crap all the way! Wooohoo, I hate those bozos that think this is their property and they shit about things that are unfair. Hello, my prime policy is "fairness is everything!" If things are unfair, I would make it just. I'm not the type of person who goes to a blog, yell there as if it's mine for no reason like a brainless, siao person.

So anw, I failed. SADD!!! What am I doing?! Am I so idiotic? HAH?!!! I'm supposed to be quite brainy. My IQ is 120 or somewhere there!! So WHY?!!! Why am I so stupid to fail?!!! Am I that lazy and incompetent?!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

My Maths : 10/40. What the fucking shit is this?! 10/40, for E MATHS!!! bloody toots, I should just stop trying if I keep getting this sort of marks.
My Malay (letter writing) : 8/20. EEHHH!!! I'm supposed to be gd in malay, it's my best subject. And I got 8!!! 8!!!!! What's wrong with me?!!
My POA: 3.5/20 OH MY GOSH DID MY BRAIN JUST FELL OUT OF ME OR SMTH! STUPID, IDIOTIC, CRUDE.
My chem: 10/30 my chem is always like this, but why!?!! I deprove by the way =/ That WL got 19!!! Am I so stupid to keep losing to him!?!!

And yes, my O lvls are coming this year. Oh my goals? Throw them in the trash. I'm never going to be "top" or going to JC, or even becoming different. I'm just going to be the same with my parents and uncles and aunties and cousins. Study, work. No one knows you. You're nobody and if you die, it won't make a difference to the world. I'm not going to go to a gd university overseas and I'm not going to get a double degree in two prestigious courses because I failed! I failed!

and I'm not working hard. look at me, brooding over things that are useless. I'm bound to never succeed. My doujins are useless. No one wants to read them. all my skills are equal to nothing~! NOTHING!!! Should've known from the start!!
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ok next topic! Aqua timez yeah?? aww they're awesome!!! Their songs are AMAZING! Here are some of their songs...

Ketsui no Asa Ni
Sen no Yoru wo Koete
ALONES
Niji
Velonica
STAY GOLD

Some of their ULTIMATELY POPULAR SONGS! And they only debuted in 2005 ok???

2009-04-28T20:08:00.003+08:00

1 mth of not posting? hah that's a record~! Well, I have been honestly busy with my exams and tests (have I told you I already have 2 tests scheduled for tmr and the day after?!) and glomming over Jap stars!!! hahahaha.... Well, let's see the first guy~

Gackt Komui
Aged 469 (xD)
Omg I'm so in love with him. He's so composed and "Cool". Have you seen his house?!! Everything is enlarged by so much!!! This is roughly his house...

0.o and he lives alone.... yeah.. And he's funny. He's 469 years old xD and he sleeps in the show where he's sort of the co-host. There's a compilation of him being caught sleeping xD

LOL can never get tired of him. He says weird but funny things, and some of the time I get it. Cuz when I talk to others about my REAL interests, they'll think I'm insane and all so I keep it in. Gackt actually says em out, and make people think they're cool...

Teehee the next one I'm recently crazy about is Aqua Timez, but I'll post about them next time. Gotta study for the tests that's coming up!!! Garrrhhh why must my school be like this?!!!

2009-02-23T20:25:00.003+08:00

Learnt a new word today, and I think it's ultra cool~

Misanthropy
-hatred, dislike, or distrust of humankind

This is what a lot of the youth have, misanthropy. I might have it a bit, but not now la xD Misanthropic people, how to say... idiots?? I find it idiotic, to hate humankind and all. Hmm but when I think about it, it's even idiotic to just hate! But I guess there are things you have to hate, like fish curry!!!

oh ya today got the O level registration thing, woohoo I'm confirmed gonna take these subjects...

English
Malay
Elementary Mathematics
Additional Mathematics
Principles Of Accounts
Science Combined (Physics/Chemistry)
Humanities Combined (Social Studies/Malay Literature Elective)

woohoo I need a POA tutor mans!!! My poa is like, dying!!! Thanks to Wong and Lee lorr!!! Now it's a lot better, but still needs some help. If I'm gonna get the grades that I want, I seriously need help!!

I mean, I can understand only 1/3 of the whole chapter. Imma die!!! If only Cindy Goh taught me from the beginning, then my POA would definitely have more hope. oh goshie... God send your Angel to help me T_T

2009-02-04T19:00:00.002+08:00

sorry sorry so long never blog coz~~~

1) no time! Seriously, I go home at LEAST at 4 everyday(friday is included) thanks to peer tutoring. And there are loads of homework I need to do.
2) I'm behind homework!!! Do you know that my ledger book is still fresh and new? GOSH!
3)Too much thinking. I'm thinking a lot. If I don't think, I'll go emo :D

So yeah... sucky, right? Eeeyer why did they invent O lvls?! They suck!!! To the core!!! To the multi ultra platinum core man!!!! When I see the face of a teacher, it's always "It's your O level year~ It's your O level year~" Oh shut up bloody people! I KNOW it's O levels and I, unlike you, is gonna sit for the exams so stop making me worry like crazy and let me concentrate on my work!!!

You know what, they give us so much homework and then when we fail our tests they'll go like, "why never study?" ISN'T IS OBVIOUS! To finish all your bloody hw of course! Crap!!! I already failed so many subjects so stop making me fail more! Stop the distribution of more homework coz it's gonna make me fail! Because I will choose the questions. Not you. Me, yes. You, NO! Grr I wanna complain more! I know I can't blame those teachers coz they just have to give us homework to make their work (and wallet) thick.

So everyday school life is utter boring. I tell you if I have to suffer like this I'm gonna collapse like a corpse! What shit is peer tutoring when we just tikam our work and go home! A waste of time, watching anime is much more useful. I see a teacher I wanna vomit blood on the floor. Seriously leh, can't tahan liao. O level O level. I know it's important, now can you plus shut it and let me study properly. Whenever they crap about O levels, I just get more restless. Less study gets in my brain. Save your saliva, teach!

My Eng tcher is like "Shafiqah, you can get distinction if you study." Malay tcher is the same. I like that they're putting high hopes on me but I'm pretty pissed off about other teachers. Well, for Beh can't blame him since I keep failing all his tests (haha!) anyway, gonna slack for today. Make my blog alive~!!! heehee

2009-01-07T19:32:00.002+08:00

emo again? Seriously, is this why puberty sucks? I hate mood swings! And mood swings ruin my day when it's supposed to be sweet and nice. Why must this life of mood be swung so much?? Thousands of questions run through my head and I'm like "AAARRRGHHH NOOOO!!! SHUT UP BRAIN!!! I'LL THINK ABOUT IT LATER!!"

I'm not lackadaisical when I want to =.=! Well, I want to go JC in Language & Literature. My mom prefers me to go Mass Comm. Christin says I'll succeed in Design. My dad, I think he wants me to go engineering but he's not saying anything. I'm so confused like crazy!!!!!!! Who or what am I supposed to look at? I'm not even starting about Os!

O lvls. ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!! Here is my aim!

English: A1
Malay: A1
E Maths: A1
A Maths: A2
POA: B4
Humanities: A2
Science combined: A2

L1R4: 7
L1R5: 9

stressful huh? 6 out of 7 distinction!!! I have to, if I want to get into any school I want. I don't care what it takes. I'll work hard. I'm gonna. But.... Can I really do it? I'm really thinking twice about everything. Life's hard like this ):

Do I need to continue on? My mom? My Dad? Myself? My future? My past? My life? There's really nothing to care but thanks to my mood, I'm thinking of stupid stuff when I'm not even supposed to!!!

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Now playing: Aqua Timez - Velonica
via FoxyTunes

2009-01-04T13:28:00.002+08:00

4th jan~ ahh feel so sad today. Perhaps coz of my monthly bloody thingy xD new yr....

I started to work on POA. OMG am I scared. Suddenly the thought hit me that I hardly know anything about POA. I got D7. And I'm aiming for B4!! OH shit I need Hwee Bin's help man~!!

I think, and think and think.... let's do some japanese. I haven't done that in a while.

僕は大事な人かな?何時も考えてた、今やっと築いたんだ。僕は大事な人じゃない。どうして?どうしてだろう?僕に何がいいやなの?この僕に悪い人なの?ねえどうして？誰か教えて。

Yea my rant so if anyone can read it, then can you answer it?　Maa it's ok coz the reason I want it ｔo be in Jap is so that no one can understand it xD

2009-01-02T15:24:00.002+08:00

HAPPY NEW YEAR~!!

lol I shouldn't really be happy that 2008 is over but,oh well xD There's a lot of things to look forward to!!!!

1)SOYA~
I cannot get enough of events! But can't go to Cosfest this yr too!!! O lvls are scary ya know T.T
2)Cosplaying~!!!
I'm cosplaying this year!(I hope!) So I'm damn hyped about it... I might even buy contacts xD if there's extra money ;D
3)O Lvls~
It's not really something to look forward to T.T I guess this means less time on the laptop and more time in books!
4)MY sixteenth birthday~
Sweet Sixteen ;D Ma my mom celebrates sweet seventeen though xD Anyways, I'll be performing a bit something on my birthday. Gotta look forward to that!

So today was first day of school. Met everyone again~ Nothing much really... Just that we have a new VP called Sundram or something.... I can tell Gwee is DAMN unhappy abt it... Who can blame her, I don't want another person telling me how to do my job!

Mr Wong's talk was unshockingly unbearible. It was SOOOOO long and heavy... Then aft that was Mr Rani's talk. A lot better but still.... x.X Then got check. I almost kana for my 'super' long hair (did i say it's super?? Coz to me 3 inches off my collar is not super!) but said I was cutting it in Sat/Sun. Then did nothing and ate macaroni with fish (bad combo, I know) and yeah...

More fun part is when I'm going home.... Siyi and I managed to get on the bus at the very end. So we were on the steps at first. On the Swiss Cottage stop, we moved up to the driver's side. Then Swiss Cottage's newbies tried to enter. This boy, a bit plump, tried to enter. Then when the uncle closes the door, his mom pushes him out and guess what? His shoe was left in the bus!!!

I couldn't see what was left but his mom was pointing something on the edge of the door and looking at me so I went, "Uncle, stop stop!" Then his mom took the shoe and we left! I asked Siyi what it was then she replied "shoe". I was baffled!! So then, I got off and then I saw Fuzzy...

Well, it's weird to suddenly see her xD Then we talked about random stuff~~ and then I went home. I ate, and surfed the net. After this I'm going to do my homework or what. Sorry, but I'm realising.

Hey, it's Sec 4. Whatever I thought comes now. No more waiting. No more tomorrow. No more later. I'm a sec 4 student NOW, not tomorrow, and not later. So I should act like one NOW. Ok gonna do my work~ Jya ne~

2008-12-29T21:34:00.002+08:00

I wrote something totally sugar-coated to Dini's blog and I think she'll say/think I'm just some woman who says lies but I mean it so I don't care what people think :D I'm glad I said it coz I mean every fucking shit I said ^^

Ah just watched Shibatora's last episode! Cried a lot, like always xD Well, it was nice (: I thought about it and think about what this world is becoming. Trust is disappearing, truth's kept in the darkness and so much more~ This song rang in my head... This is a part of the song..

Sometimes I wish I could save you
And there're so many things that I want you to know
I wont give up till it's over
If it takes you forever I want you to know

That if you fall, stumble down
I'll pick you up off the ground
If you lose faith in you
I'll give you strength to pull through
Tell me you won't give up cause I'll be waiting if you fall
Oh you know I'll be there for you

Sometimes I wish I could save you, and there are so many things I wanna let you realise. When you're struggling and can't get up, I just wanna reach out my hand and grab you. If you need help and call me, I wanna run to you and embrace you and tell you it'll be ok coz I'm here with you and that's all you need to know. But I can only really do it when you let me. I can only do it when you believe in me. Believe in me, because I have cried and shed the same pain as you. Believe in me, because I'm one you can trust. Believe in me, because from there you can start believing in yourself. If only you would believe in me.....

To all who have been hurt,
To all who have suffered and stumbled,
To everyone whose lives were changed.

2008-12-28T22:22:00.002+08:00

I did aminor hair extensions today~~ Guess what colour it is? Pink!!! Yeah, it's pink babehh~~ And a gist of purple ;D But so sad, Thursday I have to take it off liao T.T NOOOOOO~~~~

Today, went to GAZILLION places!!!

So at 12, we took the bus and reached at Bukit Merah at 2 something for some warehouse sale. But such a pity, the warehouse sale sucked big time!!!! There's NOTHING for me to buy. What a bummer!

Then we went to Alexandra and reached at 3 for another warehouse sale. Guess what? It sucked too! Ugh I should choose the warehouses we go to next time!!! But this one wasn't so bad, some stuff were nice? But they're all for men =.="

Then we went City Plaza and got lunch. At this point of time, my mood went from "LION! RAWR! NO TOUCHY ME!!" to "Let's play~ Wee~ Hehe~" after lunchtime xD Then I got new earpieces and hair extensions :D And I didn't spend a cent! I rule, right? Well, I DO have to save $118 for the maroon cloak for cosplaying next year~

Then went to Muslimedia thingy and bought Madrasah stuff for my siblings. Everybody was staring at my pink hair and I'm like "It even looks fake! Stop thinking I dyed my hair!!" Then went home and reached at 8. Took a shower, ta dah, here I am blogging!

Tommorow I'm going to study with Hammy, Beaver and Shi Jui~ Whee let's hope we really study. Maa, since Shi jui is there I can rest assured we will ^_^ I'll upload the photos tomorrow. I'm gonna sleep and wake up early tomorrow~ Nights!!!

2008-12-24T19:40:00.002+08:00

So today, I went to this course thingy by Bukit Panjang Govt. It was ok. Actually, I thought it was going to be horrible like ever other Malay Lit event but no, this one was ok. Like alwys, I was mostly alone since I don't have any close friends in Malay Lit class but I prety much learnt a lot.

I did some work at the end and slacked most of the time. It was okay la, but it was from 8-5 sia!!!! Omg, how I wish I could be at home doing the stuff I normally do at home!! Oh well, it was fun and educational so I'll let it slide xD

I saw that Sabrina girl today. She's the Madonna in my primary school, and she went to Bukit Panjang govt. What else do you expect from her? But I can't blame her, she's just perfectly-built. Maybe I'm just jealous =/
__________________________________________________________________________

oh yeah, you guys heard the fact about DanDan's bro Jon and friend Denise just break off with her like that?? It's so stupid! I couldn't really say it but I think they're damn stupid man! I mean, how can you just say "bye" to your friend like that. Excuse me!!! Your friend has a heart, you should at least try and not hurt her, since you're her friend!

Friend is a big word! It's someone you can hold on to when you can't alone. And what does this "friend" do when she feels like something's off? OH, say "bye, I'm done with you. Get lost and I don't ever wanna see you again". WHAT THE FUCKING SHIT IS THAT?!

Listen! When you become one's friend, you vow to help her through thick and thin. YOU will be the one when she needs a shoulder to cry on. And YOU will be the one to support her when she's all alone and broken. If you don't wanna shoulder this burden, then better think in your hard-skulled brain before you get a friend!

I'm just so damn pissed with these inconsiderate people! I treat my friends the best that I can, if I can't then I'm sorry and I'll try to be better! I swear I'll try to be better and try to be the best friend you can ever imagine. Trust me and I'll trust you back. Be my friend and I'll befriend you back. So what are you when you just throw a friend like that as if they're disposables? I'm sorry, but I can't take that. That's just way too much, insolent scum!

2008-12-22T13:29:00.002+08:00

So I went to watch soccer yesterday and it was so sucky!!!!! gaahhhhhhh, ok xD The whole National Stadium was full you know. And then we lost!!! Ahhh what the fish sia!!! Actually it has been years since I watched live football so I was damn blurr a lot xD But had a lot of fun.

I'm sort of born for this thing, so it was pretty fun still. Vietnam won Singapore by a point. Actually, S'pore can win by A LOT of points but Vietnam's goalkeeper was so darn good sia!!!!!! Grrr but anyways, cool match xD

The funny part was when Vietnam said bodoh to S'pore! So funny!!!! I was laughing my ass off there. They either said bodoh or buto la, then my mom was like "Wah, they learn fast!"

Nothing much to say la, I reached at 12 at home and went to sleeeeep.

2008-12-20T12:46:00.002+08:00

ah emoing all over again!!!!! Ok I'm seriously sick of my mood swings. I hate them!!!!One second I'm so happy and skipping here and there, the next second I'm throwing tantrums at every little thing!!! Shit, man!!! GAHHHHHH fuck this mood swing. I don't wanna have mood swings all over again!!!!!! Just see, next few hours I'll be happy and loving everyone all over again.

2 days ago, I cried in my sleep. In the morning, I got a terrible cold. It's not really terrible but the feeling it gives you suck. Even those sleeping and numbing meds don't give this horrible feeling. My throat feels like it's sandpaper in need of water. I drank water, and from sandpaper it becomes a desert. Yesterday night I took a panadol and hoped for recovery. Unfortunately, I'm still having it....

But today wasn't so bad. Due to my mood swings, I realised something I've been so stupid to not know until now. I don't belong in this family. I've felt this emotion before but not like this. Even if I erase myself, everything can still go on. Nobody talked to me if I don't talk to them. Nobody wants to be near me. It's been the same for years. I'm left out and nobody will want me. Sometimes I try to think "no that's not it" but it IS it.

I don't belong here and I never will, at least until my mood swing turns itself and I'm back to "happy happy skippedy skip" girl all over again. I want to leave this place but I can't until university. Will my mood swing last till then?

Stop this craze. I don't want to be living like this anymore. Somebody fuck this thing out of itself. I can't control myself anymore. Is this Alvin or is this just me? I don't care and I don't wanna know, I just wanna life that I can understand.

2008-12-18T21:30:00.002+08:00

Yeah i'm blogging again! I just realised how I love ranting~!!! Oh yeah before that, let's reply to the tags!

FROGGY: sure will!

jun:ehh, reject huh? xD see la u nvr go EOY... should go, can bully Beaver alot a lot tt day xD

XiaoXing: lol i c u i c u, there there got your name one? xD

ok done... xD haha I love ranting! Maybe I should make a ranting video just like nigahiga's... I can even rant about ranting!!! ahhhh okok back to the REAL topic....

what would you do if one day, you decided to let your other self break loose and realise that other self mihgt be real? As in, he might really be someone that is not you but is stuck in the same body as your are and has the same brain?

One night I decided to let my Sis talk to Alvin. And guess what? He came out!!! HE seriously did, and he talked and talked and then I sort of gained control then I was like... "I have no idea why I say like that!" I mean, I know what he said and all, but how he said it, why he said it is nothing of my control! I don't even know why those words came out of my mouth... okay, too weird =/

but whatever! I'm a girl and this body is girlish, so it's my body and he can't control it, for now... xD
_________________________________________________________________________

ever felt like something inside you is happening yet you dunno what? Ok, I am 94.6% sure that I have this. I know I'm insane and crazy, but I am that sure that I have this... why?
1) I went through most of other disorders and they are nothing about what I'm going through
2)I took about.... 10 quizzes and all of them seems to tell me "yes, you have it! You're crazy!"
3)I know I'm at least half crazy coz I have cut myself and I'm fighting to keep clean
4) I don't want this!!! When you seriously think you're crazy, it's a different situation than when you wanted to. You try to watch yourself and proof that you're not, but you just keep doing what it says.

It's stupid but yeah I tried to stop or change myself but it might make me more crazy than I already am so instead, I'll put it up here :DD If you think I don't have it, then THANK GOD I'M NOT CRAZY! If you think I do, then just keep quiet about it (:

People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. They may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all. Even with family members, individuals with BPD are highly sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to such mild separations as a vacation, a business trip, or a sudden change in plans. These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless. Suicide threats and attempts may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments.

Well now that I think about it, I feel better now since some of the symptoms seems to "fade away" but they come back >.> Crazy person... xD

2008-12-17T11:25:00.003+08:00

Life sucks when people tell you what to do!

Ok editting of my photos are done! But uhm, Qiao Hao's photos are going to be editted soon xD on the meantime, enjoy mine! omg I rejected 76 photos man!!!If you wanna put my pictures somewhere, go ahead but please credit me and link this blog okays? :D As we wait for the photos to be uploaded, let's see what happened!

So we (Elsie, Qiao Hao and me) met at 11, aiming to study and then enter the EOY'08 ;D so we reached at 11..... just to buy the ticks took us 1hr =.=" There was this religious ceremony, so we saw this monk. I was like, "wahh monk also like cosplay!" but not! xD there were just too many people, so Qiao Hao and I bought instant noodles and relak one corner eat xD The malay style! haha so after that, we got in and glommed all over the cosplayers!

We entered the festival at 1? So we checked out everything. My lovers were all there!!! I didn't know I love these characters until I saw the cosplayers and kyaaa at them xD Well, I naturally love Urahara Keisuke, I love Byakuya. Byakuya is like my ultimate lover =.= so anw, took loads of pics. Then we relak one corner again, watch avatar on my player and waited for Dini and her friends to arrive.

When they reached, we roamed everywhere again. We practically attacked everyone!! Attacking was so fun! And the cosplayers were so nice xD I loved it when Edward Elric "stepped" the commander!!! Edward was like "xDD i dun wanna do this" but all of the cosplay attackers are ready to attack him xD I also loved the noahs, when they entered, they were attacked by about 50 people including us, and they couldn't move a single step from the entrance!

so then the cosplaying competition begins! Super awesome!!! Did I tell you how awesome the Bakaninjas were? MEGA ULTRA AWESOME!!! I was recording the whole thing and my hands were shaking because of their awesomeness xD and I'm not even a naruto fan. after that was some other. I can't remember much xD I know there's Haruhi Team. They danced the all-time favourite hare hare yukai dance, haruhi was a bit too violent to me ><" I'm a huge haruhi fan so I was a bit =/ when I saw the violence xD but overall, it was okok. during the competition, dandan popped by so we watched tgt xD then aft that, dini met up again with us. then we got bored and left at abt 6 (: So the entrance fee was $12, and we spent 5 hrs there.... quite worth it?Yeah, and taking the awesome pictures made it priceless! Then Qiao Hao and I went Mac and did out usual thing, but in a much less duration! We talked about the EOY and a bit of SS xD then I went home and thanked my mom for letting me go... coz we had a HUGE fight just because I can't get out of the house. I was super damn mega ultra giga pissed!!! I mean, I go out once a week =.=! what shit are you telling me that I'm going out too much. UGHHHHHH I can't wait till school reopens, then I can just stay back everyday!!!

But wait, there's O lvls next yr T.T and napfa again >.> kamisama, tasu kete!!!! kyaaa and I'm cosaplaying as ******* next yr!!! Damn shit, I have to upgrade my brain!!!!

okok, my ranting is done so here are the photos! sorry for the horrible photos. I had to use the crappy 5 megapixels camera =.= I tried my best to edit it so yeah, here it goes! like always, all the editted photos are in the slideshow but I'll upload some favourites.

Lavi and Lenalee are loved!

Elsie with her online friend cosplaying as Kuro-ri-san

I love them!!! gahhh!!

First time I was able to see Death Note group, had to kyaaa all over xD

Neuro showing off his middle finger xD Love the hair!

aww damn photobucket is creating some trouble, I'll put up the slideshow when it's done.

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Now playing: Tohoshinki - Doshite Kimi wo Suki ni Natte Shimattan Darou?
via FoxyTunes

2008-12-15T19:49:00.002+08:00

I was surfing at sgcafe/sgclub and I stumbled up upon something that intrigues me... Cosfucking... Now what is it? I disagree with ALOT of definitions, but this one seems to get my full support...

http://scrumptious.animeblogger.net/tag/cosfuck/
Cosfuck, as the name implies, refers to “cosplays that are f*cked up”, a term which reeks of elitism in and of itself. By referring to a cosplay as “cosfuck”, the elitist sends out this [hidden/overt] message to the cosplayer: “Your cosplay SUCKS, F*ck Off. Go Die/Pack Up your Bag and Don’t Ever Venture Into Cosplaying. Ever. Again”, placing himself/herself into this high judiciary pedestal, as though he/she was given the right by the heavens to proclaim what’s a good and bad cosplay, what’s fail and what’s not, or which certain demograph (of people endowed with great physique / features) is only entitled to the “right to cosplay”. Sounds like a cool thing to do huh? Not when it goes out of bounds, like flaming cosplayers in the public domain.

Generally, cosfuck means 'your cosplay is bad, go and die!'. Right thing to do? Well, there is this rule in peaceful Singapore, don't so kay poh! Who cares if they look bad? Hey, you have no right to say this particular person does not have the right to cosplay, mean person!

I've seen some cosplayers who don't look as good as others, but hey who are you to say "fuck off coz you look bad!!!"? If they wanna cosplay, it's their right to. Cosplaying doesn't mean you HAVE to look exactly like the character! If you like the character, then go for it! That's what cosplaying is all about. Don't cosplay just because you look like the character =.=

I did that mistake, to cosplay only who I look like. But that's not cosplaying. People who blame others for cosplaying are the ones who should go and die!!!!! And I did talk bad about this lady who's 30+/40+ and is cosplaying as haruhi suzumiya, but I realised it's her life. Who am I to say she sucks?

As if I am a prodigy at everything!

2008-12-13T22:28:00.002+08:00

went to EOY today. Gonna give the full report tmr, since it's 10.30 and my legs hurt, my eyes are super heavy and yeah, i need sleep! xD but well something triggered me to reminisce (fyi, it can mean emoing too xD)

Guess who i saw in EOY? You can say, my ex-good friend? Hmm, i wondered what it would be like if we still were friends. It'd be cool! One more jap-lover friend xD I admit la, I was a bit of an asshole when I first entered Dunearn. But that's what sec sch is abt. You get hurt, you get up and get stronger! When I first met her, I was like, "Japanese? What's so cool about that?" What do you expect of someone who has no idea what anime and manga is xD but I started watching Ouran, then got addicted. I guess I was stereotypical, but not anymore!

To my ex-good friend,

It's not like I want to bring back the past, but we're graduating next yr. It'd be nice to graduate with no hard feelings (: I had the idea of giving you a fake gun prop as a make-up present but maybe it's just better this way. When you started to turn away, everybody else did the same. and I'm left with hardly anything. but that's ok, since I found new friends. I found a better me, someone who cared what others think about herself.

It's not like you're going to read this but, if I did anything to you. I'm sorry. If I were mean and hurt you, I'm sorry. I am not the person I was anymore, I am not proud of someone I was. I was arrogant and I didn't care what others felt about me but I'm not anymore. It's ok if you still wanna stay away from me and it's ok if you still think the same way, but I sincerely apologise. I didn't know and I was such an idiot. If only you and me didn't have this fight and we'd be going to cosfests and events together, sharing the same hobby.

I guess it just wasn't meant to be (:

-pUnkrOckIngEEk

2008-12-04T21:43:00.002+08:00

Today was syiok! Once again, we raided Qiao Hao's condo and did siao stuff man!!! Ok here's our journey.

Well, Dini and me sort of reached at the same time, so I called Qiao Hao to tell us we're on our way and took the train~! Then when we reached, I was like, WHERE'S QIAO HAO?!!! Lol so Dini and I waited, and waited, AND WAITED then she come. She was like, Wahh ur all so fast =.=" It's not us, it's the train...

So anw, we raided the Games Room which is super awesome!!! I love the snooker table!!! AHHH I'm so buying it in future!!! Then it was much bigger than the KTV room we went to last week. So we got comfy and moved the furniture here and there, then we watched Cartoon KAT-TUN Cosplay Episode~! So cute la, even I didn't laugh as much as they did xD We wanted to go swimming but then it kept raining! So we waited~

Played dozens of snooker matches with Coach QH and Rival Dini xDD And hey, I can play both left-handed and right-handed way! Yeah~!! xD Beat Coach twice, and Dini every time I played with her xD We decided to one-on-one while Coach watch Vampire Knight Guilty and it took 20 mins just to shoot ONE BALL EACH in the hole =.= How noob are we? xD But anw, I won! Yay,haha xD Well, but I can hardly beat Coach (or can't!)

Then we kanna by the person who booked the room (who's late 1 by 1 hr!!) and tried to infiltrate the multi purpose rm when the real bookers took us out 5 mins after =.=! Anw, then we go Mac and eat~!!! I was hungry so I wanna eat double cheeseburger, but I thought later QH and Dini will get hungry so I just bought the upsized Student's Meal! Ended up I couldn't finish it!^_^" hehe, then we see the sky. It's not raining!

So we rushed to the condo back again and jumped into our swimsuits and plop ourselves in the pool. Ahh so fun, played it for 1.5-2 hrs then roughly wash ourselves. Then took our bags and leave. Well, I saw QH's bro today. Pretty weird guy 0.o I looked and I was like, 0_o|| He was half naked and totally.... weird looking? xD But what can I say, he's in his house anw! xD

Crazy day! But had 120% fun! Planning to go next week too~! I was thinking to ask Siyi but, maybe she'll reject =//
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Anw, pics for the AFA'08 are done editting by moi~! They're not so gd ok, since I got tired coz they're so many photos =.= but I has fun trying all types of thingys... So check it out! All the selected photos are in the slideshow but I'll upload some favourites!

Laser Flare~!

You can never get tired of yaoi :DD

Now there's something HORRIBLY weird in this pic. Whose hand are those resting on the left cosplayer's right shoulder?

Gundam! Love the eyes~!

Yaoi all over again! Omg, take the lollipop away~ xD

all are my productions, so take mine and be prepared to be sued! xD

2008-11-29T16:52:00.003+08:00

haven't been blogging in a while, hehe xD well, anyway I found smth CHOOO cool in the net! Ok, I'm not so into voicers in anime but I was wanting to prove my sis that Near's voicer is a girl, and then Near's voicer is!! Then, we sort of expanded our curiosity here and there xDD omg I didn't know that the sooooo hot mamoru miyano voices Shoutarou(skip beat!) and Death The Kid(Soul Eater) too!! I mean, I know he voices Zero/Ichiru(VK/VKG) and also Light (DN) but shou and death too?!!! He rules man!!!

I saw a vid abt him singing in CR, he's SOOO HOT!!! okok, I'm like his fangirl now! haha.

2008-11-21T21:05:00.004+08:00

Ugh I am DELUGED in anger thanks to my father. For the first time in years, he walked up to me and expressed his anger plainly to me. OMG as if I am the only sole person who uses electricity. Yeah I set the air conditioner's temperature so low it leaks every few months. I switched on the water heater and never in my life turned it off. I used all of the electricity in this house and I am the only reason why the bill shot up astronomically this months.

Thanks so much for the kindness, but I NEVER WANTED IT TO BE THIS WAY! And there's no way I can be the only or main reason why it shot up so high. But like, whatever, I'm just born to blame on myself anyway. And yeah, it's my fault since he only pin-pointed me. Yay, woohoo. Then, I just have to work hard and pay every penny of it. I'm a failure and nothing more. Nobody is to blame but me. That's how I see it.

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Now playing: Abingdon Boys School - Innocent Sorrow
via FoxyTunes

2008-11-21T17:57:00.002+08:00

"Around here, however, we don't look backwards for very long. We keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things, because we're curious...and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths" -Walt Disney

I love his sentence~ Keep moving forward people, that's what matters xD Who knew a man who drew a cartoon of hit pet mouse can be remembered all these years? I say he's a legend, one that I truly admire :D

I watched Meet The Robinsons for the second time and I cried just as much as when I did for the first. I love Meet The Robinsons, some of you might not but it's just the perfect genre for me. It's always Disney Productions that always make me believe in what can happen, and not what might.

Hey, who say you can't be who you wanna be? Anyone can be whoever, whatever you want to be. There's just consequences you have to pay. You wanna be somebody? Then make it happen! Who am I to say it won't happen? Who am I to say it won't come true? It'll only happen, starting from you (:

I wanna be somebody! I'm not gonne be someone who works overtime just to barely pay the expenses. I'm not gonna be someone who will look at people who succeed and admire them but never wanting to be just like them. I will be somebody who succeeds and be admired. I will ace my life and make it how I want it to be. I wanna be somebody, and I'm not gonna stop. It all starts from here. Now. Here on, I am whoever I wanna be. You can say anything you want, but it's me who decides.
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Well, one of the lucky people xD here it goes...

Rule1.
People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blog and replace any questions that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

Rule2.
Tag 5 people to do this quiz and those who are tagged cannot refuse. Those people must state who they were tagged by and cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by continue this game by sending to other people.

1. What is your CCA ?
Photography. We RULE~

2. Would you fall in love with a boy younger than you ?
Uhh, no? Older guys are much hotter :DD

3. Do you enjoy going to school ?
Um, it will if those annoying bitched and skanks stop coming to school :DD nah just kidding, I love school but I love slacking with my laptop more xD

4. What would you do with a billion dollars ?
Let's see, make ALL my dreams come true, buy a HUGE mansion for my mom and dad, I'll invest some of the money and give the rest to charity ^o^

5. Will you fall in love with your best friend ?
I'm not a les =.=! And even if I am, my best friend will always be my best friend, because she'll be there for me no matter what. And my lover can't be with me no matter what, I'll get bored!

6. Which is more blessed ? Loving someone or being loved ?
Being loved. Who doesn't wanna feel important?

7. List out your favourite songs
All the inspiring songs I just love (:

8. If the person you like is secretly attached, what would you do?
secretly? Well, I always wait till the guy makes the first move then if he doesn't, I'll meet someone else xD

9. Is there anything that has made you extremely happy ?
World Peace. No more war, no more pollution, no more hatred. Put all horrible emotions inside Pandora's Box and destroy it!!!! Then, I can die happily =DDDD

10. What makes you angry ?
When someone defies my morals. I'm very egoistic, you see xD

11. How would you see yourself in 10 years time ?
I'll be 25... So I'll be finishing my studies and either being a teacher or a surgeon (:

12. Who is currently most important people to you ?
Everybody is important, since thanks to them I learn a lot. More than I can ever learn.

13. What is the most important thing in your life ?
Life. Nothing can compare to when your heart beats, give you everything you need. It's so miraculous.

14. Would rather be single and rich or married but poor ?
Not gonna happen! I'll either be single and rich, or married and rich! XDD but if I have to choose, married but poor. Who wants to be flooded with money but can't share that happiness?

15. What is your favourite color ?
No favourite colour. I just love colour the way it is. The way how they just look so beautiful *hehe*

16. Would you give all in a relationship ?
If he can give his all.

17. If you fall in love with 2 people simultaneously, who would you pick ?
The one my hearts says "yes" to.

18. Would you forgive & forget no matter how horrible a thing that someone has done ?
I can always forgive, but I hardly forget. I would make her/him disappear from my life.

19. What do you want to tell the person you love ?
I love you, and that's all I can say to you coz it's all true.

20.What type of person will you fall in love with ?
Stupid, but sincere. Horrible to others, but have a wonderful heart. Close his heart to others but me. He makes me feel special.

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If you want to do it, you're welcomed xD

2008-11-20T18:10:00.002+08:00

omg how long has it been since I blogged? haha maybe too cropped up with AF stuff lately xD hehe, I mean I'm getting shaky recently. I'm being more of a person with a mix of punk, emo, and ska?? lol. I know I have a lot of punk in me. Hey, who hates punk? Punk music rocks~ They make me real and not just a hologram =D Emo rocks too, since it makes you understand more about yourself. I don't really know much about ska xD anw...

I've been trying to look in the world as an outsider so far. Hey, if you try it they you'll know that it's super different. Everything is different. Yourself, your family, your home. I wondered, if I was another person and what would I think of myself? Otaku? no, hikikomori xD nerd? Geek? All those labels came to my head then I think, hey what's the use of labels? I mean come one, we're the same thing.

Humans. That's what we are. And how stupid are we to characterise the same thing? It's like putting a box of same colour paint into A and B. Omgosh it's the same =.=! Why should we think so much into details? Can't we just think as one? If you really look people in the eye, you'd never know how similar both of you are.

Oh well, I don't really have anything to write anyway..... bye (:

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Now playing: Good Charlotte - All Black
via FoxyTunes

2008-11-10T15:20:00.004+08:00

ahh things have been down over here....... I'm insane and I actually do have reasons why I became so

1)I've been at home for about a month and I need to get out before I really get afraid of the sunlight and just can't seem to step out of the house.
2)boring. boring. boring. A boring life can go and die. I NEED ENTERTAINMENT!
3)What the hell is wrong with humans these days?

1) I've been at home for about a month and I need to get out before I really get afraid of the sunlight and just can't seem to step out of the house. Ugh seriously, I need to get out before I become a hikikomori. I need to get out like CRAZY! UGGGHHH half of the school population is going to school like crazy and the other half is imprisoned at home like crazy! Crazy people! Crazy humans! Everything is crazy, crazy, crazy~~!

2)My boring life... Wake up. Shower. Eat. Watch anime. Watch more anime. Watch even more anime. Watch even even more anime. Eat. Watch drama. Watch more drama. Watch even more drama. Shower. Watch TV. Watch more TV. Watch even more TV. Sleep.

My holiday life =D You even get bored reading my schedule. I HAVE TO LIVE WITH THIS THROUGHOUT THE 3 MTHS AT HOME!!! I'M GOING TO GON INSANE! WAIT, I ALREADY AM!!! ARRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH *vaporizes more people*

3)What the hell is wrong with humans these days? Humans are weird. Humans are disgusting. Humans are stupid. Humans are dumb. Humans are so brainless they can say the same thing 6900 times because they can't agree to one simple language and throw everything else. Humans categorise themselves into stupid cliques when they are EXACTLY THE SAME! Weee we humans got nothing better to do and make blogs just to tell people how much of an agony we are =DDD
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Sorry if my crazy mode freaked anyone out. I'm just too...... stressed out you can say? Well hello, I'm an overly-emotional 15 year old going through puberty. What else can I do than to stress out in everything? I just can't handle everything anymore. I wanna throw everything. I wanna vaporize every human being. I wanna kill. KILL. KILL. KILL. Freak why can't I have supernatural powers? Why can't I have Tegami Rei's hand and burn people just by touching them? WHY? WHY? Fuck someone give me something I can use to kill! I need to write this insanity into words so that I don't show this insanity in real.

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Now playing: Paparoach - Getting Away With Murder
via FoxyTunes

2008-11-09T20:25:00.003+08:00

ahhhh I just read SOMEONE'S blog and I don't know why that SOMEONE'S blog ticked me off so much!!! AAHHHHHHHH I hate this~! I wanna buy a gun that can shoot super fast and kill people so they'd drop DEAD!!! AHHHH I'm totally insane, but I don't care. coz humans are just a waste of space. We should all die and let the animals live peacefully in this bloody nature.

I'm so bloody angered by SOMEONE I wanna bloody know what's wrong with me (or HER). I tried to brush off this sudden anger but it GUSHED OUT OF ME!!! CRAZY GOONS! SOMEONE should stop insulting others and cause unnecessary anger! SOMEONE better not insult what others like to do or say coz IT'S NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BLOODY BUSINESS! SOMEONE should stop being an immature, bloody idiot who thinks whatever SHE does is right and EVERYTHING OTHERS DO IS WRONG! SOMEONE should stop telling others that thinking this way is %#@%#% and thinking that way is #R@#%#$^@$ coz YOUR FUCKING BLOODY BRAIN IS NONE OF OUR CARE AND OUR LIKES HAS BLOODY NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

Wow I screamed. Going to go back to normal mode. If I half explode again I'll go crazy and say mean stuff again. Sorry if it offends anybody. And I don't think SOMEBODY is going to read it. Even if SHE does, I bet SHE won't realise it's HER (: I don't mind if you shit about yourself, but shit about others and you're shitting at the wrong place.

P.S. Please don't mind the wrong use of certain words xD

2008-11-08T14:12:00.003+08:00

I was watching Domoto Kyoudai, and they were like telling ghost stories then I tried to remember mine. All the time I saw ghosts they were like mists and haze like that.So... hazey u know? xD I can't see their face or body or anything but, like their soul energy... I can see huge mists and ghosts can't be that big right? So I figured it's their soul energies.

I remember during A Maths exam and before I slept or after I woke up, I saw this GREAT huge misty thing floating down the row. It was damn tall like 2 metres and was floating over the guys.. I rmb Yong Liang, Luqman and Syahiruddin kana. But nobody saw it sia. It was at my left, but I didn't turn so I just saw it at the side of my eye. It was like... so scary.. I think it's a pontianak since I can roughly see long big hair. I froze there then after 5 seconds, it faded away. Can't forget it.. Probably the biggest ghost I've seen =/

Then sometimes out of the blue I'd see flashes of boys running. They'd be totally black like shadows and bald. If they were not black then they'd be grey-ish. but I can only see for one to two seconds then they'd run off and I can't see them anymore. I keep getting flashes of this one boy ghost. He'd be running or standing regardless at night or day. Probably someone keeping him...

But I can see only that kind of stuff, can't really see them so clearly like that... And who haven't see ghosts before man! They're everywhere!
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something cool happened near my hse a few days ago. You know the dry riser? It got burnt~! I was like... COOL! Nothing cool ever happened near my hse before la! I was like, "What would you do if the fire started at the only fire extinguisher you've got? I was laughin like siao, coz the fire hose is in that dry riser and it's clogged up with my neighbour's stuff, then it got burnt... haha~ oh well, that's all that happened. Just wished the only LONG holiday b4 my Os could be any nicer T.T

2008-11-01T09:59:00.003+08:00

I have to go my Grandma's house soon >.>" well, things are like normal since she cured from her sickness. There's not much bed bugs than usual so I didn't mind. The ONLY 2 things that made me reconsider going to her house is 1)bed bugs alert! 2) no computer The bed bugs in her house LOVE me ok, and I have to tahan them all crawling all over me and biting every inch of me for my blood! I hate it coz I have to sleep over her house every Sat and every Sat would be like, their "Feast night". They just love bunny blood la x.X One time I couldn't handle it I just took off my shirt since my Grandpa was already sleeping. THOUSANDS, ok maybe tens, of bedbugs were crawling on my shirt! It was disgusting!!!!!!!!! But now, I hardly see them. I got bitten like once or twice only. So I didn't care much =D

If I wanted internet, I'd have to bring my laptop there. And when you bring the laptop, you also bring the charger, the mouse, the earpiece, the mouse pad etc etc. So MA FAN LE!! When I bring my laptop, I steal internet and use la =DD hahaha, have been doing it and not get caught ^_^V lol but other than that, my grandma's house is HEAVEN!

-REALLY good food
hey, whose grandma doesn't cook splendid food huh? You just love your Grandma's cooking, even if it doesn't taste like KFC or Mac, it just rocks just the way it is, right?
-DOZENS of games!
My grandma have PS2 and you get to play like mad~! There's all type of games. Digimon, football, yakuza, fighting, war, blah blah blah. You can play like crazy I tell you!
-MILLIONS OF STUFF TO WATCH
I can't even count how many CDs my Grandma have in her drawer FULL of CDs. Well, some of them are pretty childish but you can ALWAYS be a child in Grandma's house. There's ALL seasons of Power Rangers, Digimon, Pokemon, scary movies, funny movies, tear-jerker movies, and more. Omg don't get me started~!

haha but I always wanna go back home. I don't know... I guess I've grown affection to this messy, low standard house of mine xD haha..

2008-10-29T17:44:00.005+08:00

I sort of wanted to keep this blog emo-free, coz whenever I emo it just affects everyone else. I know that, and I'm sorry. I just keep having mood swings. I don't know anymore. I need to help people who looked like the 'me' that needed help but sometimes I just have had enough. No more. I don't want to do all this anymore. ごめんね。僕は邪魔分かってる。何時もありがとう。もういやあ。僕はもう邪魔なれないから。ごめんね。

I wanted to keep going.　I wanted to tell everyone I'm here, so you'll be okay. But I can't anymore.　Cause I'm not helping them and I can't help them to be strong. It was me that was too big-headed. They are okay, cause I say so.　When they're happy, then so am I. I wanna be the friend I never had. But I guess I'm just a hindrance. No more. No more.

Sometimes I just wanna go back to it all. Go back to when everyday was a day without battles against myself. I wanna just escape from everything and be okay again. And regret it so deeply inside.

2008-10-28T14:19:00.002+08:00

Ugh so pissed off at everything today! Like, things are just so frustrating! GAHHH!!!! Okay like I got 6th in class, top 80 in level. Then NOTHING CHANGES! It's like, whatever I got is of nothing worth la, dammit! Grr, I hate everything. I can't do anything I like! It's so friggin frustrating~!!!!! i wanna fucking smash everything to pieces le. SOME PEOPLE WHO DON'T APPRECIATE ME SHOULD BACK OFF.
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Ok, today got Maths stuff. It was easier to understand and all, I guess coz I PAID ATTENTION! Not full attention but, yeah I did. The only time where I did not pay attention was because I already did the question, and I got it right! hehe~ aiya I don't really care about maths la, since my Maths really suck.... My Maths intelligence is like what... 45%? Let's see ar, my intelligences...

hehe musically intellegent ok! wakakkakaka, well I still suck at playing piano. haha xD can't believe my Intrapersonal only 75%! ugh, so sucky!

2008-10-21T20:01:00.002+08:00

blogging again? Now I think I've got the hand of blogging again! LOL anyways, I went to the SJAB's blog. Disappointed, I looked at the tagboard. Someone named 'SS' go and criticise MY darling Halim! xD Ok I don't call her that, but she's someone important to me so you all brainless people back off!

I wanted to call this SS person stupid. Not only does he/she is named after a subject (and a very horrendous, utterly unnecessary one), this SS person also calls his or herself stupid! How stupid is that! Therefore, instead I will call this person obviously brainless!

Furthermore, this person go and criticise Steph when she did NOTHING wrong. What is wrong with you people! Eh wait, you ARE obviously brainless, so I guess I have to excuse you for such brainless actions. BUT you are disturbing normal people, so you better learn your mistakes! Don't make trouble for others when they don't even need it, you brainless fool!

Is there an even more hilarious factor about this person? YES! This person made fun of Steph's English since she did a primary school mistake. Well, everyone did that so I didn't mind so much. BUT this person even typed out a word never recognised by any Professor, and mind you you can search for all the dictionaries in the world, but there won't be one where you'll find this word 'par jao'. Its hysterical look already tells me it isn't a typing error. Mr./Mrs. Brainless criticised Steph's English, yet she typed out a word no English person know, 'par jao'. I hope this person learns that other languages needs to be used separately. This person should also know before you actually criticise others, make sure you don't do a mistake far worse than that ciriticsm you'd be making!
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Ok done. I just don't like it when people ask for trouble when the other party doesn't ask for it! You idiots should know better! Okay *breathe breathe* phew, today was bumpy but overall okay!

The career thingy was good. It gave me a thumbs-up on what I'm already thinking of. I am thinking about my career already. I want to become a language teacher and a freelance author. Very ambitious of me, huh? xD hehe, well. I plan to finish studying at New South Wales University, take a trip to Japan and teach English there. I can also back up on my Japanese and teach the Muslims there to get more paychecks xD After a few years, I want to return to my homeland, Singapore and teach English, Malay and Japanese there. I can write in my free time, sell my creation and let the people around the world read my wild imagination. I can also spend my free time making music, selling my creation and even be a composer(although this dream might be a bit too far-fetched)! haha ok, gotta go... Wish me luck!

2008-10-18T13:20:00.002+08:00

Wahh back at home! So tiring. What a day~! And wait, I still have to go to my aunt's house. And tomorrow, go to dunno who's house! How sian~!!! *sigh* I never thought I'd still be getting all this stress even after exams ):

All these bad results are affecting a lot of people, well not me since actually my marks are not so bad xD but my friends. Well, it's normal for me to worry about them though. Mainly because I think now I have a goal. It's a huge goal for me but I think God gave me this goal. The goal is to help as many people as I can and to stop them from making the biggest mistakes of their life like I did. I was the biggest fool in this world, but through it all I came through. I realised my mistakes, and here I am so much sober. Yet there are so many people that are going to do that same stupid mistake again, and I must stop it. No matter what, I must.

But I don't seem to be able to cope with such pressure. I think the phrase someone told me was so true. "You can't help others if you don't help yourself." but I can't help myself, there are just too many people that I can possibly help. How can I possibly help myself when all these people are crying? I thought of myself and all these people. I have to help them. Their existence to me isn't so tiny. They're one the biggest existence of my life. I need to help them. How can I watch them suffer? I can't just watch them suffer. I am so ready to give it all to helping these people. These people who looks just like the 'me' a year ago. Those people that self-mutilate. Those people that are suicidal.

I don't know if those people can actually read this, but hey I went through it all. Yeah I know all that pain. You might not realise that now but when you do, you'll know how much we're so related. Let me say the plain truth. I have cut myself. I have attempted suicide. Many, many, many times. During that time, I felt that the world was so much better without me. I thought that my family would be so much happier without my existence.

Even now, once in a while, I still have those thoughts. But every single day is a battle to stop it. I remembered those people that are important to me. My family and friends. They're the most important people in my life. I asked myself, do I want to leave these people? Do I want to make these people cry? Do I know actually what happens when I really die? Maybe yeah, they won't cry. But you, would you cry if your dear friend or family member left you? Would you cry when you realise your family member cut his or herself? If you cry, then so will they. I am so much sober and happier now without the suicide and knife. And you can feel that freedom anytime. Just turn yourself in. Believe in what can happen.

Ok it's like a BIG whole lecture xD haha, sorry people. You can skip that part if you want xD Anyway, I'm thinking of closing this blog down, permanently. Erase it from this world. Well, good luck to all your lives and battles. I'm fighting one now, and if you may struggle from these battles just call me. I am someone who can help. Trust me. I have gone through it all (:

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Now playing: Sick Puppies - Mastered - All The Same
via FoxyTunes

2008-10-16T16:45:00.002+08:00

Wahh here I am blogging again! Well, got most of my marks~ ehehehe, umm.... I pass, most of the subjects xD haha let's see......

English
-Paper 1:
-Paper 2: 27.5/50
Total:
E maths: 50/100
A Math: 36/100
POA: 45/100
Humanities: 57/100
Combined Science: 56/100
Malay:

Well, here are the marks I've got... So HORRIBLE!!! 2 C5s, 1 C6, 1 D7 and 1 F9 T_T Ah well, I just aimed to pass this year anyway xD I'm more worried about Tako! Haiz, what's gonna happen T.T Let's hope we all go through this together (:

Ugh I suddenly got emo now ): Nanka, I started remembering all those problems. All those memories. All those sins. Somehow, I cry inside coz I know I can't atone for all these sins. It's all my fault. I know it won't change when I blame myself, but it really is. Everything started from me. All the problems the people around me are having are from me. I am the poison. It's my fault. Sometimes I want to make people go away so that they won't get hurt because of me, but my selfishness took the better of me. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I know people might get pissed off reading this. But I have to tell you guys, I'm so sorry. If only I could atone for those sins, I'm so sorry. It's all my fault. Nobody else have to take on this blame, but me. And no one should follow these footsteps of mine, because they're not for you to suffer. They're mine.

2008-10-11T05:25:00.009+08:00

wahh exams are over! finally blogging is continued. My hiatus is done. Haha, honestly it was so awkward during the hiatus. I wanted to blog a lot, but had to tahan xD now I don't even know what to write la. The natural fingers typing words are gone. But oh well, I guess I'll just pick it up again sooner or later xD

Anyway, the animal farm blog is made! This is the beta version, so yeah. The blogskin is not yet made, and it's not really spread out yet.... but for スペシアル　サービス　this is for you guys!

http://www.dssfarm.blogspot.com

Don't forget to leave your tag around~!

wahh Supandi met me a few days ago abt my malay lit and malay, what a bummer my papers were~ But he said I could pass, so PHEW! Hopefully can promote to next year and THEN study. This year was the first I didn't study la~! Omg the tension was so high le! I was so scared I couldn't pass, I felt like it was the first time I said "I never study" and didn't mean it. Whenever I said that in the past, it meant just studying hard the night before =/ so you all better pray hard for me har xD

Ahh just watching Princess Princess, I can't help but thinking how my thinking and Yuujirou's are the same. Well, maybe everybody thinks the same way but I think he went through the same shit as me, so he'd understand. It's so hard to find people that understand the shit I went through nowadays. It's not that you all experience less pain or what, it's just that I think the pain you all went through are just different than mine. I was mentally bruised, but that's it ^_^ I don't really care about it anymore, since I don't wanna remember why it all happened, etc etc... Yuujirou in epi 3 felt he made the happy family into an unhappy one, so did I. And I guess everyone as well. But you know what, who gives a damn about that happy one. A happy family is never interesting! Dakara, dou demo ii desu yo! An unhappy one isn't "happy ever after" but it's interesting and unique in its own way ((:

btw, these are all the dramas/animes/mangas/manhwas/films I'm gonna use to entertain myself on this post-exam time!

Anime
-~~Princess Princess~~
-Full Metal Alchemist
-Zero No Tsukaima
-Nana
-Alice Academy
-XXXholic
-Kindaichi
-Special A
-Kyou Kara Maou
-Soul Eater

Drama
-Full House
-Princess Hours (rewatching, again!)
-~~CHANGE~~
-~~Vampire Host~~
-Seigi No Mikata (2008)
-~~Puzzle (2008)~~
-33pun Tantei
-Kimi Hannin Janai Yo Ne?
-4 Shimai Tantei Dan
-Shibatora
-~~Engine~~

Mangas/Manhwas
-Goong
-~~D.Gray-man~~ (Till recent)
-Bleach
-Detective Conan
-~~Code Breaker~~(till recent)
-Fate/Stay Night
-Full Moon wo Sagashite
-Hanazakari no Kimitachi he
-Hunter X Hunter
-Mahoraba
-Nabari No Ou
-Witch Hunter
-Zombie-Loan
-Ouran High School Host Club

Yeah love the long list, means I've got things to do! haha~

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Now playing: Lost Prophets - Broken Hearts, Torn Up Letters And The Story Of A Lonely Girl
via FoxyTunes

2008-09-08T20:18:00.003+08:00

back to blogging. i feel like banning something in this blog. Whether this stupid blogskin, thie tagboard, the song, or the blog itself. I wanna let it all go, UGH I CAN'T! Dammit, I feel like just grabbing a guy to have a gd sex with xD haha mind you, it's only a joke. No doubt I'm hentai abt this subject, but I'm curious xD I think someone was right, I AM good at making good sex xD LOL, right! I'm still a virgin, NO DOUBT! But when I think about it, if I really let you see the true side of me, then embrace yourself as BOKU-SAMA is a bad girl! xD haha.

Gd mah, can give my hubbie gd sex! If I get high, I'll bite you and make that eery sound and let you linger everywhere as my breast drag against your skin. aww baby that's hotttt! xD ok this sounds R21! Ahhhh, I can't read whatever I'm writing!

Whenever I space out, I start to rmb my NaiNai again. I try to stop, yet she stays vivid in my mind. I'm so scared. When I visit her, I don't wanna see her for the very reason I don't wanna see her suffering, coz I'll be suffering too, like now. I need her here, she can't just go.

oh well, EOY IS COMING UP PPL! I DON'T CARE IF THE HOT AIR BALLOON FELL OFF THE SKY AND HIT THE EIFFEL TOWER, I'M GONNA STUDY! Officially studying tommorow, sept 8 to Oct 7th ppl! Cheer me on! Not gonna blog anymore!! yeah, okay. Since it's my post before I go on a mth hiatus, let's put up a Kame picture! Yeah! And Je boys? yosh!After researching on Kame's pictures, now I know why I love Kame. Coz he has that sweet boy look. The type of guy who's so innocent and sweet, he'd protect you from any harm and love you just as much as he love himself <3 style="text-align: center;">
Sweet, innocent Kame!! Smiling like that, he's like telling me it's okay, coz I'm here. Aww!!
"It's okay. You know it's gonna be okay, just stay by me."

Hot Kame wanting more fun in bed! haha xD
"Leaving so early? I need more."

Argh your pitiful eyes, Kame! Your eyes are perfection!
"Don't worry me like that. I'm worthless without you."

Aww, waiting for me to get home. So cute of you, anata! xDDD
"*sleeps as he waits for me to get home*"

"Do you still love me? I can't live like this, when you don't tell me how you feel towards me."

"*sees me crying* I'm sorry, I made you cry. Sorry. It's all I can say. I'm sorry."

Those lovable eyes, Kame!! *hugs and fluffs hair everywhere* "I knew you'd be here. There's never a second I don't wanna be with you."

Randomness? xD

I don't know, his true eyes stay ever so true!!! I'm not saying I wanna be with him, coz to me he's just some guy to fantasize. I don't wanna marry him in real life,PLEASE! xD

Aw, the true smile! Domoto, the true smiler! It doesn't look like Domoto though. =O
"With you, I can smile like this till death do us part."

Worried? Or jealous? Huh, Yoshi-yoshi!
"Where did you go? I thought you were coming back so much earlier. I wanted to have more time with you."

An emo pic! His eyes tell me he's tired. Rest, yoshi-yoshi!!
"I miss my girl." xD too simple.

"You know I'm still waiting for your answer. There's no one for me to wait but you."

"I can't do this anymore. Stop this unfaithfulness."

Lol, could only say "unfaithfulness" to my role soul mate, YoshiYoshi! I'm sorry I fall for such guys, but I'd rather fall for them than any other hot guy, because to me those true feelings from your heart matters most xD

Doushiyo!!! I'm scared I'll have no motivation to study T.T help me. Arrggghh, okay my last post before the 1mth hiatus have finished. Officially on hiatus? Lol. Jya neh! ohya, Siyi gomen, will reply to you soon ok! Gomen, osoi dakara >0<

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Now playing: Christina Aguilera - I Turn To You
via FoxyTunes

2008-09-07T21:38:00.002+08:00

In emo mode again? I don't know what's wrong with me, but yeah I'm emo-ing. Right now, I'm remembering everything all over again, Like moving pictures in my head For years and years they’ve played. In the end of it all, I'm crying. Not moving on and not gonna budge. Fuck them all. But above it all, fuck me.

I remembered how everyone has their own dark secrets. I have mine too, but they're so dark they suck light out from everything. Coz thanks to these dark secrets, when I see horrible ppl, I'll tell myself I'm just worse. When I make them cry, I'm just shouting back at myself "Why can't you start realising who you truly are? You're a monster, just admit it!" I try to get tt voice off me, but it's been haunting me for so long. As time goes by, it got louder and louder. Now it controls me. I can't control myself anymore when it's screaming. I'd do anything to get it to stop. ANYTHING.

I've done everything, except one. I've tried but never succeeded. I was happy I didn't succeed, but here I am wanting to do it again. I was almost killed today, but thanks to God, The Most Merciful, I was barely saved. Yet I'm not appreciating what God's giving me. I'm not appreciating the big miracle He has given me. I think you know what I mean, suicide.

Yes I haven't been admitting it but now I will coz I don't care what you think of me. What I did was real, that is me. You wanna know who I really am? Well, that's 100% pure me. I ATTEMPTED SUICIDE, okay. Everyone now fucking knows. I don't wanna die, I don't. Yet I feel so bad I feel like killing myself.

One time my emotions took me over and I tried, but I was lucky it didn't happen. I did so many bad things, I don't wanna remember them. These memories build up into a cage, keeping me inside. I try to destroy it, yet I can't. Then I tried to imagine there was no cage, there is no suffering. Bury it all. Now I'm going to explode, I start to see the cage again. I don't want to. God help me. I want to be all You want me to be, but look at me. I hurt ppl to the core, I tried to kill myself, I cut myself. Yet I still believe in You. I believe in the Most Merciful. From all that insanity, Your teachings stayed intact. You have helped me quit cutting, thank You. Now I need You once more. Help, me.
___________________________________________________________________

Tell me what to do. I want to cry, yet when I really cry something inside blocks me. I want to snap it all off, yet when I give a pinch of my anger a big impact exploded. I wanted to just throw off a bit off my frustration, the next thing happened, a chip of wood fell off the arc of the door and the doorknob fell off. Nice me. Now I'm afraid to even let a bit go.

殺人者です。怪物です。誰か助けて。誰か助けて!!!　少しでも、いいんです。僕は爆発するつもりです。もういやだよ。誰かが僕を止めてください。止めてよ！！もう　いやだ。

2008-09-06T22:40:00.000+08:00

doumo? haha haven't been blogging for so long sia xD anw, been listening to a lot of emo songs lately, by the all-time favourite Linkin Park.

I'm like addicted to Easier To Run, coz I can really feel like how they sang it. Yeah, damn emo though. lol.

oh yeah, sch is coming back! Time to study ppl! I don’t have the motivation to study sia, that fact shocked me =O becoz like, I keep having motivation for so many years without knowing where they come from, but now it’s gone. NOW I know what ppl mean when they say, “Fail, fail lor” xD haha. I don’t wanna care if I fail. At least if I fail, ppl will not think so much of me. And I won’t feel I’m underestimated =/

Have I told you guys before? My baa-chan is sick T.T My NaiNai can’t eat anything and can hardly move but she’s still doing her daily chores, WHICH IS A LOT! She wakes up like at 4, showers, cooks for my YeYe, cooks for Fatariz (my cousin who’s under her care), handle Fatariz’s pettiness (it runs in our family xD). Pretty much she does almost everything la. She cooks, she washes the dishes, she does the laundry, she cleans the house, she takes care of Fatariz all the way, and all. I’m damn worried la coz she’s so damn sick now X.X when I see her sick, I was like, there’s nothing I can really do to ease all that pain.

I’m scared. I’m very scared. What if something were to happen to my Grandma? I don’t wanna think about it, but when I do I’ll really get teary. She takes care of me since I was born, I don’t wanna her to go. I want her to stay until I marry and have kids. I don’t want her to leave me, she’s the only one who seriously understands me. She’s the only one who knows my true self, even I keep some of my true self from my mom and dad. I don’t want her to go. God, don’t take her away. I need her, please. If she were ever to return to You, I’m afraid I can’t handle it. So please.

It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Something has been taken from deep inside of me
The secret I've kept locked away no one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show they never go away
Like moving pictures in my head for years and years they've played

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

[Chorus]
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn't have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there'd never be a past

(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(If I could take all the shame to the grave I would)
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

Just washing it aside
All of the helplessness inside
Pretending I don't feel misplaced
It's so much simpler than change

[Chorus]
It's easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It's so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

It's easier to run
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made)
It's easier to go
(If I could change I would take back the pain I would)
(Retrace every wrong move that I made I would)
(If I could stand up and take the blame I would)
(I would take all my shame to the grave)

2008-09-02T14:22:00.002+08:00

A friend.

1.	a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.

2.	a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter

本当の仲間誰ですか？僕に信じる誰かな?僕友達が有るかな？僕はひどいの人ですから、友達がないですね。人は生きたい、でもそれだけで。友達のためにじゃない。自分のためだ。本当の友達は人たちはもう入らない今は。

don't try to read it xD It's complexed and deep =/ ahh shit got no time again, will post next time (again xD)

2008-09-01T05:56:00.000+08:00

woohoo it's the fasting mth already! wahahahhahahhahahahahhahahahahahhahahahahhaha, wait... i'm in no mood to post xD ahhhhh fish, * the real post with no craziness will be posted later*

2008-08-30T20:33:00.002+08:00

Well, my reply for jun? xD

haha I don't know, you looked like you wanted to tell me something yet you try not to. Oi, just tell me ok xD I don't tell ppl's problems. Your problems are yours to keep, I'm just here to listen (: Maybe you liked to be noticed, everybody likes to be noticed! It's just how you try to let those ppl notice you.

The very reason I dodged you was because I thought you treated disturbing me as a game. And in a game, when there's an attack there's always a dodge right! xD haha don't take it too seriously, when I dodge, just means that I'm disturbing you now xDD

Hey, when I see you I could say you could've ranted a million words to me yet you keep those million words to yourself. I think you want to be noticed because you want people to ask you "What's wrong?" so that you can actually open up to them. Like the Lean On Me song says, "Please swallow your pride if I have things you need to borrow for no one can fill those of your needs that you don't let show" so if you actually need to tell me what's wrong, just say it (: I can't fill your needs when you don't show it xD

I think I myself lost my best friend. I don't even think she treats me like a best friend. I don't know anymore if I still like her. I'm just still with her because I've known her so long and we went through so much, but there are things about her that really pisses me off. For one thing, she takes advantage of me, always. When she wants something (she doesn't NEED it), she'll expect me to do it. I'll give it to her, yeah but once in a while. When she asked for too much, I was like thinking "You want this, why not you do it? I'm trying to help, yet I'm doing 110% of the work and you're shaking leg" when I refuse, she gets pissed off at me. When I ask her for help, she says she's lazy. It really gets on my nerve. She even told me she's taking advantage of me. For another thing, she cannot keep ANYTHING to herself. When I told her "you cannot tell this to anyone" there she goes telling other ppl. When I ask her why, she said it's not a big deal. When I told her I cut, she told her MOTHER. Her mother knows mine le. When I told her I'm magirox, she told the FAM ppl. Who wouldn't get fucking pissed?

I can hands down say I don't really have a best friend, and you're the first to actually know this. Coz I'm too ashamed to tell this to others. If you wana know, I care about you the most ok. Maybe it's because I think I know how you feel. Those feelings that get you to cut, after you cut and so on. I feel like you're going through the pain I'm feeling. When I started cutting, I never thought there was such thing! I thought I was the only person in the world that does this stupid thing, to half-suicide, coz I wanna kill myself yet I don't wanna die. After 2 years of cutting, then I realised ppl actually do tt xD haha. Then I started telling ppl abt it, since it's quite acceptable to mankind(LOL).

Junichi. Don't hide yourself. You don't need to poke ppl to get their attention, you've got people who care about you ok (: I don't know about your family, but Piggy and I do. Who cares if some people ignored you? We're here, always here. And that's what important. You're important. To me, to Piggy, and Animal Farm. Who started it huh? xD Don't feel you're unimportant, coz you're so definitely not.

2008-08-29T18:59:00.002+08:00

when i read jun's blog, i rmb this song....

Lean on Me - The Fray

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain
We all have sorrow
But if we are wise
We know that there's always tomorrow

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Please swallow your pride
If I have things you need to borrow
For no one can fill those of your needs
That you don't let show

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

So just call on me brother, when you need a hand
We all need somebody to lean on
I just might have a problem that you'd understand
We all need somebody to lean on

Lean on me when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
Till I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

Lean on me...

So true mans. When you need someone to help you, just lean on me! hehe, that's why I have 2 shoulders. For me, and for you :D I don't help merely because I wanna feel good of myself, but coz you're my friend! Not anyone get to have that privilege xD And when I need someone, be there for me too!

When I look back in the past, I remember my memories, my friends, my life. The useless dump I was that always treated everyone else as dirt, I look down. I don't feel at all happy about what I've done, but like they always say, what's done is done. What's happened have happened. Life is so rife I realised it was so rife I did not manage to appreciate those around me. Before I knew it, they left me so intensely alone. I only appreciated what I've got when I've lost it from this experience. I could no longer feel "top of the world" and such. Yet, I felt happy for the very reason I am no longer the bitch I was. I am now a simple girl, someone who's able to appreciate the people around me and smile at other's achievements. I still have flaws I admit, but I am no longer ashamed of my present self. However, to be proud of my previous self is another big question.

2008-08-26T22:30:00.002+08:00

I've just realised how this blog has been so emo recently xD haha, oh well, I don't like not being myself on my blog. If I feel emo, then I'll write emo. Who doesn't like it, then don't read it. Stupid ppl who get pissed off but still read it should fuck off.

Was watching Gaki No Tsukai and Hey!3 for the fun of it. Was laughing my ass off xD then my mom go and scold coz it was "late" You know what time? 10.30 =.=" Late my ass la. Oh well, then I retaliated like duh, then she childishly "Do whatever you want" *heads to room, smack!*

Now I know where I got that from. Ah I don't wanna care anymore, it's my fault yeah whatever. I don't wanna fucking care la. I'm trying to study and everything, yet she scolds me cause it was late. So what I took a day off and watched Downtown? Did I do that everyday and become a pai kia? what the shit la, she should be happy I didn't turn out to be like my cousins. She should be happy I actually listened to her. She should be happy I actually study and want to aim higher, not like her who's scared of the future.

Ok now I'm getting emo today. Thanks to Downtown, my mood has gotten better. BUT because of my ofukuro, it went downer than before. Thanks dammit. Now I'm blaming myself again. If she should appreciate me, then I should appreciate her as well. I shouldn't have retaliated like that. But it's fucking not my fault la. HOW CAN I FRIGGING BECOME A "GD DAUGHTER" EVERYDAY?! ふざけん　じゃない。AT LEAST I CARE ABT MARKS LA DUHHHH! ARRRGGGGHHH EVERYTIME I BLAME HER FOR SOMETHING, I JUST BLAME MYSELF BACK. I'M FUCKING INSANE. I DON'T WANNA THINK ANYMORE. GOING TO SLEEP. NOT GONNA CARE WHAT HAPPENS TO ME. IT'S NOT LIKE I DESERVE ANYTHING ANYWAY.

2008-08-22T14:05:00.002+08:00

I look at the mirror,
I see another image of her.
The one that keeps haunting me,
The one that'll keep killing me.
A tear dragged down my cheek,
Yet a drop of emotion I could not seek,
As I wait helplessly for her to take over,
Before I knew it It was already game over.

Calamity was all I sought,
But why was frustration what I got?
The mascara smudged all over my face,
Crying I tried so hard,
Why couldn't I accept this part,
This part already carved in me,
She just won't let me free,
From all the sufferings and guilt,
Cause I'm already starting to wilt.

Inside the glass casing I banged it continuously,
But to no avail it won't break!
I watched the mayhem she's causing,
The misery they're facing,
I screamed aimlessly but she won't stop,
She snickered and she's never stopping.
"I'm you now. You stay there and shut up," was what she told me.
I cry, I beg, I plea,
But she's going to keep on hurting,
Until I stop trying.

I looked at her slitting my arm,
I looked at her crying for hours and hours.
She's the 'me' now I couldn't stop,
She's already at the top,
No one could hear my screams,
I'll go on suffering and she'll keep on gleaming.
In the glass casing I had no way out.
I stayed there and let her took control,
Soon she took over and did whatever she wanted,
I could no longer stop her urge.
And then she left and succeeded.

I looked at the mirror and stare at the other end,
I saw the red, sore eyes and arms with cuts,
I touched the cold glass,
It was no longer another girl,
It was no longer 'her',
It's just me.

Another poem I made after a LONG hiatus xD wow made me better xD a lot better. Heh, about this girl who actually believes someone is taking over her, she can't get out and that girl changed her. When that girl left, she returned and could no longer change back to her original self, as that girl already changed her. Yeah it's about multiple personality disorder, but with a bit of self-mutilation and depression.

If anyone can feel that pain I feel, then you're my nakama (: I'm with you whoever you are, we feel the same pain and the same pleasure, know you're not alone. Some people just won't show their pain, just know you're not alone. There's other people like you, and you're gonna be ok (:

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Now playing: Avril Lavigne - Keep Holding On
via FoxyTunes

2008-08-21T23:19:00.002+08:00

Blogging again? well, found out I got 11/30 for my a maths! I saw it coming though xD coz I study a maths, then a lot of e maths come out T.T nvm, my e maths still quite gd xD

Watched a few stuff, 33pun tantei is not as gd as I thought la x.X Domoto isn't so hot in the drama, but he's TOOO cute xD haha, it's for siao people who wanna laugh their asses off.

I WANNA COSPLAYYYY~~ Ok, thanks to MOUSE and CARTOON KAT-TUN, I want to cosplay. WAT THE HEELLLSSS~~ xDD but seriously, I want to xD one big problem, anybody look like me? xD haha, don't think so la. That's the saddest part, but I think if I had to lose weight to cosplay, I will xD

Oh ya, for everyone to know. 僕はもう大丈夫です。Don't so scared I'm gonna cut or whatever, coz I'm fine. Well, I think xD haha, but anyway, I feel a lot better than yesterday ((: I don't wanna think about it coz when I do, I feel so horrible I wanna do something drastic to myself. So, I'm not gonna think about it. If I'm meant to cut again, then I will. But I strongly doubt so, it's been 1 year and 5 mths since I've quitted. Such a long time.

2008-08-20T20:45:00.002+08:00

Hey! Blogging (again) yo give messages to people I meet everyday. Lol~

Fuzzy: Hey girl. I miss you alot larhs. I mean, the last time we met you were like so far away from me. I feel like we're breaking apart, alot. Maybe we've changed and all, but I still wanna be your bestie. Forever, right? Thinking of all those times we went through, I tak nak kiter dua fade away. Coz if I lose you, I don't know who will make me feel special again ): You're like, actually the only person I trust fully. Even if I tell you anything, I will have no doubts you'd betray me or anything. I know you long enough, I hope you know me long enough too (:

Siyi: Well, here's your reply xD Um, you sure you're okay? That's good leh! Wah, so pro le. So fast ^^ Siyi pro pro!! If you need anything, don't forget to sms me ok. Don't shy shy hor~ We've known each other since Sec 1 right? So yeah, a friend in need is a friend indeed (: Email me or msg ok, don't scared. If you get irritating, I'll tell you don't worry xD haha, I don't want you to go through all those shit I did ): so yeah, I'll be there to listen ^^ If you believe I understand, then everything will be okay de. You have my word (: Don't forget, I'm here! Wahahah, I don't really tell that to anyone =P btw, abt ur anime and sleep comment, I've been doing that for one year. Now I scared I can't control myself T.T stupid thought x.X

Danielle: lol. What am I supposed to do. "Hey dandan, I emo le. Help me??" T.T I don't know la, things are getting too confused for me already. I feel like killing myself because I don't understand myself. RETARDED LEH! Anw, thanks for telling me stuff I don't. It helps, really. I just need someone with education to tell me bio crap what's happening to me xD haha, must teach me to cry ok? (: oh yeah, don't so annoyed with him ok. He's just trying to get your attention I guess, cannot so unfair to him ^^ Love everyone the same, babe (:

Christin: Takooo~~!!!! Wahhh, you're really fun to be with man! There's just this one thing I still havne't get from you, you don't tell me about you. YOU! Your life. What's happening and all that, you don't tell me. If you wanna tell me, go ahead. Everyone does that! haha, my brain won't explode de ^^ Be sure to know who're your real and fake friends ok (:

Dini: Neko ar... well, you still have to figure yourself out first xD Actually, I unexpectedly know more than you think =P It's ok if you wanna tell me your frustrations la, if you sound too selfish I'll tell you. haha so get ready first! haha xD You ar, seriously don't need to be scared of anything. Don't stop yourself form doing anything, and just go for it. When you go overboard, I'll smack you off ^^

Animal Farm: My family (: Let us suffer pain and loss tgt! We rock, and we do! uh uh, nobody will tell us otherwise. They should stop being so loquacious. They're only making innane conversations we should not care about! We may be tyros, but who cares? We're tgt and that's what matters! Yeah!

2008-08-20T16:56:00.003+08:00

Woohoo today was so boring it was actually enjoyable. Lol? I learnt a lot of things today. Errrr, O lvl stuff, ACES dance, some English word I've forgotten and a bit of Chem.

Erm O lvl maths. Beh asked us to do maths so I just did it, then I thought today was BEH DAY so I didn't bring any maths. Ended up he gave us Maths QAMS and I was like T.T Today was supposedly Beh Day leehhh T.T But ok la, I "suffered" through it, with a bit of music xD Honestly, if I don't listen to the music, I will sleep and get SOOO bored in class la, I think he knows xD I'll only listen if it'll make me pay attention (:

ACES dance. I LOVE THE CRISS CROSS thingy! I don't know why Sec 4s hate it, but I find it nicer than last year (: Well, I think Estehr was a bit disappointed I said it >_< ahh gosh, shouldn't have said that x.X *self-blaming again* anw, I find it fun. Then played badminton with my dominant hand. Realised I was actually much better, with a little bit of practice xD Gwen is still ever so cute in badmintion xD

Chem... err, normal stuff. balancing equations whatever shit la. Don't care ler, just slept at the end xD BORING LA!!! I STILL HAVEN'T GOT MY TEST MARKS! Grr, I don't care if i sucks xD ok actually I do xD

____________________________________________________________________

Today, wanted to go to *** but to no avail T.T Maybe I should just go without Piggy, I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't go at all. GRRRR!!! Ok fine, don't think and I won't get agitated. Oh yeah, reminds me..

DO YOU ALL WANNA KNOW WHAT THAT HAMMY AND SOTONG DO TO ME AFTER SCHOOL? YOU ALL WANNA KNOW?Lol, they go and make me miss my stop, THEN they leave me in the bus. WTF le! I got so pissed off I don't know why!!! Whatever, I don't care anyway. If I snap, then it's their problem. Just hope I don't tear off their clothes, really.

One time I snapped, I flipped everything upside down. The tables, chairs, everything. Imagine the chaos (: I think I broke some stuff, oh well. I don't care, I already warned people about me snapping. You wanna make me snap, you ask for it. Hope you're alive after the disaster ((:

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Now playing: Metro Station - Shake It (Album Version)
via FoxyTunes

2008-08-18T20:10:00.002+08:00

I'm back to blogging again! yeah I fasted today, 2 more days to go! Lol, it pisses me off when so many people don't actually care about all these religious thingys. I mean, hello?! who is going to help you when you die? Money? Ppl? Well??!! haha I say this, but I don't pray =P xD

anyway, today was total crapness. Ugh, was so happy today ended. I mean, rlly. Nth gd happened today. I just told Danielle my problems (refer to previous post) and she was like "Why don't you stop helping ppl for a while and help yourself first?" honestly, I'm scared. I might really be siao but I don't know. I'm so confused! I don't even know what's happening to me. I can't cry, can't yell, can't tell ppl what I'm feeling, can't DO ANYTHING! Argh, this is pissing me off. I need to know what's happening. It's killing the crap OUT OF ME!

I'm scared. I don't trust myself, at all! I even agreed to follow my Mom go JP because I'm scared I'll do something out of my own hands. I even wanted to knock myself out or smth so that I won't do something crazy. Aren't I siao or something? I, surprisingly have suicidal thoughts x.X haven't had that in years! SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME!

When I think if I should stop helping, I think I just can't. It's my only source of self-esteem. I can't live on knowing I'm not helping anyone. I don't know, Piggy tells me I need to stop all this and help myself first. but, am I really worth it? Should I really try and save myself? I DON'T KNOW!!! She tells me before I can help people, I need to help myself. BUT I'M SCARED. That stupid PTSD.

Living in life where you're scared of yourself, when you'd rather chain yourself up than let yourself go around freely. This is not life. It just isn't. I need someone. I'm sorry I'm so selfish, but now I really need someone. Stop this confusion, coz it's killing me like crazy. I can't cry and let anything out, then I get frustrated, then I want to cry, but I CAN'T!

Someone tell me. I know I'm so selfish to just ask this, but I can't live on with this kept in my chest. I have for 9 years, now I'm at my limit. I can't do this anymore. I'm scared I'll start cutting again, I'm scared I'll kill myself, I'm scared I'll hurt even more people. I want to change, but those parts of my life just don't change.

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Now playing: Linkin Park - Numb
via FoxyTunes

2008-08-17T15:21:00.002+08:00

Warning: This post is only for those who care.
I'm going to pour everything out of my heart, so yeah if you got time to waste, then read. If you want to know what problem I'm facing, then read. Other than that, you're welcomed to leave.

In my life, things come and go. I might treasure you, but will you treasure me too? When I'm in pain, will you also be in vain? When I cry, will you cry? If I die, then will your memories of me die too?

I realised. People are not as I think they are. They are one scary kind. じつは僕は自分でこわいい。僕は嫌いだった。I just told someone abt my PTSD. shit, anw it means Post Traumatic Stress disorder. I never tell anyone abt tt memory which haunts me until now. I WILL never tell anyone about the memories I have been suffering for more than 1o years. I'm scared, if anyone finds out. If anyone finds out about what I've done, what will happen to me? I might die. That's why I never tell anyone about it, never EVER.

I don't know myself anymore. One moment I'm laughing, the next I'm crying. I don't even dare to look at myself when I'm crying. I don't even want to let myself cry. I can't cry anymore. I can't forgive others, nor myself. I can't trust others, nor myself. I see myself as somebody I don't know. It's as if I want to touch that person on the other side of the mirror and know her, coz I don't. Somebody tell me what's going on.

Even when I have people to tell me "Just tell me your problems" yet I don't. Yet I keep it all inside, pretend I'm okay and suffer alone. WHY AM I THIS WAY? WHY CAN'T I TRUST THE FRIENDS THAT CAN HELP ME? I hate myself, I hate all that I am. I hate myself because knowing of all the sins I've did, I still keep on living as if I've done none. I hate myself trying to help others when I can't do a single thing. It's been such a long time since I tell others this, but I really hate myself.

I'm sorry if I'm a burden. I'm sorry if you got pissed off reading this. But this has been inside me all this while. I want to cry it out, but I can't. I want to yell it out, but I can't. I want to spit it out, I also can't. Even in this post, not all is exposed but I've tried to my fullest. Someone tell me what's going on with me, somebody tell me this stupidity that I'm going through.

2008-08-10T13:21:00.002+08:00

戻りました!　The wedding was TIRING, but well I'm happy for my cousin and cousin-in-law. They couldn't choose a more cliche day! x.X I was like complaining "MY TEST ON TUESDAY! I NEED TO STUDY!" lol.

Aft NDP, I immediately went to my cousin's house. To my amazement, my family still haven't arrived =.=" diao! anw aft that, we did practically nth. I just helped put the eggs inside this glass thingy where we hand it out to ppl. Then I asked my auntie, "why give eggs?" She said, "so they can have more kids." -_- err....?

after that we older kids talked abt stuff. Then went home and dozed off~~ ahh so tiring.

THE NEXT DAY IS TOTALLY BORING, THERFORE I'LL SKIP! xD

Oh yeah, have you heard HSJ's Your Seed? I love the meaning of the song man! And the dance moves x.X They get harder moves than their senpais!

[PV] Hey!Say!JUMP - Your Seed
Uploaded by ya3genshiro

Believe yourself you can get it on
Believe yourself you can make it up
Believe yourself shinjirun da(believe in yourself)
Believe yourself jibun jishin( Believe in your very self)

Believe yourself you can get it on
Believe yourself you can make it up
Believe yourself shinjirun da (believe in yourself)
Believe yourself saigo made (Believe in yourself till the very end)

Aimai na uwasa yori jibun (Rather than believing what others say)
Shinjite mireba ii ja nai (Ain't it ok to just believe in yourself?)
Hontou ni yaritai koto kara (All the things you wanna do)
Kimi wa nigeterun ja nai? (Aren't you just running away from them?)

Jinsei nante ieba (Saying how life is)
Mune ni omoku hibiku kedo (Makes it echo heavily inside)
Suki na mono suki to ieru (Saying what you like to do)
Yuuki dake wa tebanashitara dame dayo (Don't lose the courage to do so)

Akiramenai kimi ga ireba (If you just won't give up)
Donna toki mo CHANCE wa aru (You'll always get a chance anytime)
Monogatari wa owaranai (Your story won't ever end)
Never ending story yume wa tsuzuiteku (Your dream will continue)
Never ending story yume wa tsuzuiteku (Your dream will continue)

Believe yourself you can get it on
Believe yourself you can make it up
Believe yourself shinjirun da (Believe in yourself)
Believe yourself jibun jishin (Believe in your very self)

Believe yourself you can get it on
Believe yourself you can make it up
Believe yourself shinjirun da (Believe in yourself)
Believe yourself saigo made (Till the very end)

Reisei na taido yori motto (Rather than acting recklessly)
Midarete mitemo ii ja nai (Ain't it ok to act calmly?)
Shinchou ni ikite mo kokoro wa (Following what your heart desires)
Shigeki motometerun ja nai?　(Isn't your heart just searching for encouragement?)

Eien nante iuto (Saying what freedom is)
Kyuu ni tooku mieru kedo (It just seems so far away)
Shiawase wa nanika wo ou (Running after some sort of happiness)*
Michi ga areba kanjirareru mono dayo (You'll feel it when there's a path)*
*if you combine it together it means "if there's a path where you can run after your happiness, you'll be sure to feel it"

Koko de wa nai soko e yukeba (It won't be here but if you go there)
Koko ni wa nai nanika ga aru (Surely, there'll be something you haven't obtained)
Kimi ga kimi wo shinjitara (If you just believe in yourself)
Never ending story yume wa tsuzuiteku (You dream will continue)

Akiramenai kimi ga ireba (If you just won't give up)
Donna toki mo CHANCE wa aru (You'll always get a chance anytime)
Monogatari wa owaranai (Your story won't ever end)
Never ending story yume wa tsuzuiteku (Your dream will continue)
Never ending story yume wa tsuzuiteku (Your dream will continue)

Believe yourself you can get it on
Believe yourself you can make it up
Believe yourself shinjirun da(believe in yourself)
Believe yourself jibun jishin( Believe in your very self)

Believe yourself you can get it on
Believe yourself you can make it up
Believe yourself shinjirun da (believe in yourself)
Believe yourself saigo made (Believe in yourself till the very end)

Lyrics provided by jpopasia and translation by me xD who says I can't translate? I just need more time to stare at the kanji and a kanji dictionary! haha xD My first translation so it can't be solid good (:

jun: LOL what do you expect?! I need time to translate ok! xD Well, let's just hope I don't ever snap x.X I'd hate to. There was a time I snapped at a teacher and it got me into helluva trouble!
Atique Ross: Sure will!
XiaoXing>: LOL Zhu mah you! hahaha xD

2008-08-05T21:56:00.002+08:00

back to blogging. hmmm maybe this blog will turn emo for a while, but no worries~! It'll be back and shining in no time~! I bet xD Ok by Hammy's request xDD

Jun: you didn't die becoz of the SS test right? xD eh gd tt u changed! Well, same for you too. If you've got some problem, just tell me or give me a call. You know I won't tell anyone. An advice is optional, if you can just listen it's ok too (: anws, you know I'm with you hors. If you got some problem, whether it's pai kia or just emotional, you can tell me. I might not be able to help, but I think just knowing someone is there for you makes it a whole lot better, right? Well, I'm here for you =D
XiaoXing: aiyoo tag more la~!!! must learn from jun, see she tag a lot i reply a lot. Hmph, I give you 4 sentences only. muhahaha!

thinking back, I was the girl wanting help, screaming at the top of my lungs (illiterally) I wanted people to care for me, I wanted people to help me in some way or another, yet I didn't know. There is only so much I did know. Without him, who knows I could still have been cutting until now, or worse. When I turn back time in my head, was it the right choice? Was there something I could've done differently? I don't know. I still don't know, but what I know is I don't need to find people to care for me. I don't need to when there are still these people surrounding me called "friends".

Piggy keep saying she wants me to be me. I think now I know. NOW I know why I've been changing myself from time to time. I always try to change myself, erasing all the flaws I can. Have you heard of PTSD? Check it out, coz you don't know if you got it. I realised I had it, I think I've "cured" but the way how I think of myself is still the same. That's why I wanna help people, I want to do all the best I could for others. I'm just like him, Naoto from Maou. Someone who's heart is scarred because of the sins done which are just unforgivable. Therefore he tries to be good, then maybe Kami-sama will forgive him. Inside, he'll just keep asking till he die "Have Kami-sama forgiven me?"Just like me.

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Now playing: Changin'
via FoxyTunes

2008-08-02T17:13:00.002+08:00

In life, there are good times and bad.
In life, there'll be when you're happy or mad.
But throughout those emotions comes our experience,
And from experience that'll make you a better person.

Had a fight with my おふくろ　again. What's wrong with me? Like, everytime we'll just fight =.= It sucks, and the end of every fight I'll be self-blaming. UGH I don't fucking care anymore, coz when I do I'll get emo again.

I wanna write a story! Grr... but I have too many storylines to choose from x.X this sucks!!! ARGH, ok I sound a lot more agitated than normal.. =.=

ok. Let's get this straight. You know what I want. Therapy. Fucking therapy, something that can make me spit out what I'm feeling. Coz I'm SICK, I'm fucking SICK of keeping them all inside and not knowing how to say what I feel. IT SUCKS AND I WANNA STOP IT!

But you know what's stopping me? My family. I don't want my Mom to just explode and blame herself because I want therapy. I don't want my Mom and Dad to go on fighting all because of me. I don't want that. That'll suck. Now I don't know what to do...

What would you do when a million emotions are flooding your head but you have no idea how to say, who to say it to, and when?

2008-07-31T20:10:00.002+08:00

Maou 4 and Code Blue 4 is out yo! xD Was waiting like crazy la!!! haha... anw, today quite a big thing happened...

Ms Gwee asked for a discussion abt POA. Since we all SERIOUSLY SUCK AT IT, Ms Gwee asked what's the problem and we had to sort of answer. For me, I don't know. It might've been the subject, it might've been how we started off with our teachers. One thing's for sure, there's loads of people dropping POA. I am still in a dilemma whether or not to drop =/ It's quite a good thing if I drop POA, but I don't want to. Personally, I don't. I love the subject. I want to understand it, I just have trouble. Oh well, since there's a lot lesser people then maybe I can study better! Yeah xD

Oh yeah, now I'm scared that I'm gonna snap anytime! I have been thinking a LOT about stuff and it's been really stressful. A lot of people tell me their problems, I like it. I honestly liked being trusted and all, but I tend to think a lot for these people. It's like I was meant to help them. If I don't, I feel useless. I get really agitated lately and I'm really afraid I'll SNAP!

Btw, snap means I explode out my emotions in one go xD Example of snapping...

A: Eh eh eh it's you, right? Don't lie.
B: It's not me ok. Stop it. *agitated*
A: Don't need to lie. We're your buds.
B: *SNAPPED* When I say it's not me, it means that! Stop pushing me as if you've got all the sources telling you that it's me! You can just FUCK OFF AND SHUT UP COZ YOU'RE ANNOYING AND COMPLETE HUMAN TRASH!*trashes everything*

An easy example... They just blow off like an atomic bomb! It's scary, and when I snap I become Female HULK! haha xD But really, when I really snap I'll throw anything I can get my hands on and smack it all over the place. I'll blame everything on everybody and shout as if no one cares. I'll stare at everyone and make them shut up, then I run off and forget everything =D

今　問題　有る　だから　何時も考えてた。人生　は　重要　かな？人生　は　大切　の　物　かな？僕　は　何も　出来ない　分かってる。　僕　は　友達　守りたい、だけど　自分　で　守る　できる　かな？自分　で　生きてる　出来る?　出来ない　かも　知れない。

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Now playing: Trade Mark - Only Love
via FoxyTunes

2008-07-28T20:26:00.002+08:00

i'm having mood swings recently.... ugh, don't know why.

I feel like...

-nobody needs me
-everybody hates me
-i can't do anything right
-i just can't help people
-nobody loves me

so emo right? grrr shooo mood swings! stupid mood swings, why do I even have them? =.=! anw, today was actually fun if you exclude my UNNECESSARY mood swings. oh yeah, have you heard of Bloody Weekend? There was Bloody Weekend in India yesterday! It was so shocking la! like, so scary,right? Bloody thingy all over again! anw, lucky S'pore is full of harmony and peace. maybe not so much xD, but there's no earthquakes, no riots, no nothing. Who wouldn't want that? Although it gets boring =.=!

Oh yeah Nadiah showed us this racist post from this person who hates Malay SOOO much~ But, can't blame him though. He's human, right? He's bound to hate and regret later, desho? xD I was laughing when I read the racist post. It was... ridiculous? LOL Why do you have to say "You would lose like any other Malay would" It sounds too ridiculous to me. Saying like that, is like saying "Table, you will be green like any other table will" Urm, ok bad example xD but, what does failing have to do with race. It's just way too ridiculous xDD

I guess he doesn't read the papers, if he said that we will fail. Coz recently, Malay is becoming cleverer okay?! haha no la, it's just that the PSLE toppers and O lvl toppers recently are malay, but I think that's got nothing to do with being malay la. Duhh, or maybe because Malay is just a too easy subject? haha, maybe then xDD

After what Nadiah said, I'm like... shit?! You can get imprisoned just by your contents of your post? *gulps* okay, BLOGGING CAN BE A REAL DANGER! So ppl, do be careful of what you blog about!

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Now playing: Aizome (Piano Version)
via FoxyTunes

2008-07-23T19:46:00.003+08:00

back to blogging~ wahahahas, wah love the tags!!! keep them coming!

Shahirah: yo, yeah I keep forgetting to change link xD haha Jolin? ohhhh!!! kk xD
Gwendolyn: so sorry spelt your meimei's name wrgly xD hmm, I thought your house would be different. no organ, separate rooms, etc etc xD I thought your house was cool coz it's so different from what I usually see =DD
Jun: emo? haha. aw didn't know u can say such encouraging words to me! Thanks, it really helps!

oh ya, nvr go kayaking both days har!! lol...

Kayaking was 100% total funness~~!!!Well, there were times when I was scared to capsize and all, and the sun ain't making it any better, BUT I love just floating by the water! Water is totally my element after all xD

One thing, the water there is UNBEARABLE! Algae is floating everywhere, chemicals contaminate the water making the smell so disgusting, oil is added to the water making everything much worse. So, do NOT drink the water!

Do not bother to put sunblock if it's SPF 30-40 xD it's burning on SUNday. I tried out left-handed pedal and it just rocks! But, now I can't use the right-handed one =.=!

ANW, I was sharing the same kayak with Elsie aka Dolphin on the 1st day. She got seasick for a while due to all the chemicals and oil. I panicked! I used my strength power to actually bring all of us to shore xD On the second day, it was much easier and harder at the same time using single kayaks, but it was so hella fun!

Capsizing is the one where you'll remember a lifetime! To be submerged in the dirty water, getting out and asking for help, it's just so fun! Rescuing others rocks too! After reading this, people who haven't gone kayaking, DON'T COME ON ONLY A DAY! Trust me, it's all worth it! You'll feel the accomplishment of finishing Kayak 1 star! I was proud of myself for coming ont he second day despite my cramped body! xD

And one more thing, do all you can and help others! On the first day, I helped quite a lot. It was humongously fun! On the second day, I didn't help that much so I wasn't really proud of myself ): but at least I helped plenty on the first day! ^^

End of kayaking~ haha then Racial Harmony!!! hmm... want see my pictures? haha ok let's publicise some of my best pictures of the trip!

see Sang Nila Utama? That's what my sis says xD lol, but I really like Sri Mariyanman's roof. It's so nice!

The laughing buddha! Look at his smile =DDDD

Another buddha I guess....

Dragon~~~ ROAR!

It was fun! Everything rocks on that day!
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Now playing: My Chemical Romance - I'm Not Okay (I Promise)
via FoxyTunes

2008-07-18T17:27:00.002+08:00

i'm back to blogging~~ yeah... honestly... honestly..... honestly!!! These few days have been really sucky T.T oh well, one thing I keep making wrong decisions, another I keep doing the wrong thing, and I don't know what's the right thing to do.

I'M FRIGGING FLUSTERED! I don't see why I should be flustered but I still am flustered, I guess because I think I am so sagacious when I'm not so sagacious as I think I am =D I don't even know what word to use to describe my feelings...

I hate myself. I should go and die. People will live better. Everyone will forget me. Bye bye. Done. Finish. Zilch (:

That is NOT! how I describe my feelings ok xD well, sometimes I do feel it but it goes away, so... xD anyway I'm super bored so I decided to blog. When I think of it, this blog has been undead for so long! wow, so cool xD my first and ever blog, still living healthily xD

Lol, ok. Let's summarise what I did so far. Hmmmmmm, I've been feeling guilty for almost EVERYTHING in school, I want help but I don't know if I need help and even if I do, I don't know who to ask help from and who actually wants to help me. And also what to help me with.

I thought I have codepency, but when I think about it I can't be so selfless so I crossed it out. Now I don't know what's wrong with me. DanDan told me I want to find out more about myself, know more about who I am, my identity and that's true. I wanna know who I am, how I got here, why am I so emotional at times, why do I do the wrong things, why some people just hate me when there are just SO many people doing the same things, why won't I ask for help when I actually need them, why can't I live up to the expectations people have for me and so on~

So far this is all I know about myself. My name is Shafiqah Nurul Afiqah Bte Ramani (don't ask why it's so long =.=). I am 15 years old, born on 5th march 1993 in NUH during approximately sunrise. I am left-handed but I don't know if I was born to be right handed, I think now I'm cross-dominant because I can't be ambidextrous because I'm too stupid to be one even though an article states that ambidextrous people have brain damage (=OOO) . I'm INFP, a water rooster and a Pisces. I love to learn new things that interest me and I love to write. I have been a self-mutilator for 3 years and have finally stopped on 30th March, 2007. In present time, I'm scared that it's coming back because at certain times I still self-mutilate myself, just not so bad.

I'm selfish when I don't realise it, I get angry for the littlest things, I see myself as a true friend when I don't actually know what others want, I trust the wrong people and thus it had led me to distrusting others once and for all(I think I still am trusting people no amtter how much I force myself not to). I don't know what I live for and I am still finding out. I believe in God but I don't know if God is who we think God is. I feel like I'm deigning myself, but am I?

ok done. wahahahaha.... time for....... Japanese hour! lol xD

今日、も少し書います。今自分嫌いです。全ては有り得ない思いだした。昨日、僕の勇気わ消えた。

now the same thing in keigo.

僕は今日、書くつもりです。　僕は現在、うぬぼれます。僕は、すべてが不可能であると思います。　昨日、僕の勇気は見えなくなりました。

2008-07-13T13:32:00.003+08:00

+Lavi+: lol, yo? xD
Youko-san:　はじめまして　（：　ｐUnkrOckIngEEk　です。　そうっす　ね、僕　の　日本語　は　悪いっす　ね　＞。＜　ano, but I don't take Japanese lessons and I'm solely studying Japanese by myself by watching dramas, animes and trying my best to get free Japanese notes online, だから　もっと　もっと　がんばります！　よう子さん, please help me in my Japanese ^^ You can be my 先生　^_^

woohoo I finally got an idea how to improve my Jap! Well, I have an exercise book just for Jap right? So I could enter 1 entry a day in hiragana. Then I'll improvise it to keigo. After that I can learn the kanjis and stuf. muhahaha Hopefully I can learn how to write and read Japanese properly by the end of the year. Hey, I started from March and only in 4 months, I can read and write hiragana and katakana. Now I know about 80 kanjis. So it's not impossible, and hopefully Youko can help me xD

I'm at my grandma's house. Woohoo there's internet and I'm stealing others' internet xDD there's nothing to do so I thought I'll blog~~ Btw, is anyone going to SingFest? It's $300 per person, x.X so damn expensive. There's artists like Simple Plan, Alicia Keys, Jason Mraz and stuff are coming. My cousin is here and here he is crapping about me wanting to learn Jap for what la, all tt crap. I was like, someone who has no dreams and no ambitions should just shut the crap up right xD At least I have dreams and aiming for it. If you can see it, then you can do it. If you just believe it, there's nothing to it! ^^

Ah crappish gotta go. Since those 2 buggers (my 2 annoying cousins) wanna use this internet that's 11mbps(so fucking slow!!!! x.X) ok ler, maybe I'll blog again when I get home. じゃ　まった！

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Now playing: mihimaru GT with SOFFet - 泣き夏
via FoxyTunes

2008-07-09T20:30:00.003+08:00

I'm back to blogging! YEaaahhh it is so syiok to be back and writing, especially when now you know only some people can read this stuff!! uh huh! xD

Today, was really nothing much, but I keep thinking it's Thursday tho. Is it Thursday? Eh no wait it's not... Wait, wait.. Ok it's Wednesday =.=" Lame huh? xD

The ONLY interesting thing I loveeee about today is aft school!!! First we headed off to South View Primary to lecture primarians!!! Then I got this DAMN cute boy, then I see how he write. A Nakama!!! Yeah, a left-hander totally!! xD But the tcher say he's "special". I was like, "0.o?" I guess as a nakama, I know how it's like to be weird. When I was small, I totally did the wrong thing ALL the time. When they say do A, instead of doing A, I'll take a pencil and write "A". So, I definitely know how it's like to be "special" BUT I changed my way of thinking when I was 6 so now I'm pretty normal xD

Unfortunately for him, it's not so easy. But we sort of connected xD I love him, Grrr cute!!! haha SIAO! SIAO! xD He'd say" You siao!" Then I say "You siao oso!" Then we both laugh, without even thinking xD We're cool, although I'm scared he'll make fun of me =.="

Then after that, we went to Gwen's house. Wow so different that what I expected, so... cool! xD I kept practicing Cannon on the Organ I think everyone now hates Cannon xD then asked Gwen to play Escape games, in the end we were "playing" it xD Gwen's sister, Jolene is so darn kawaiii!!! Love her and her Hello Kitty stuff, really love her. And oh yeah, she's a Nakama too!!! xDD

Now I've got nothing to do, so I told myself, "Let's do nothing.... and blog!" haha xD

あの　時　は、僕　は　考えてた。僕　は　嫌いだった　かな？だけど、ユウキくん　は、その　時　も　病気　が　有る、でも　彼　は　優しい　の　ともだち　有る。その　ともだち　が　側　に　いる。その　優しい　の　ともだち　は　ずっと　ユウキくん　の　そば　に　いたい。　でも　その　優しい　の　ともだち　は　僕　は　有る　かな？　こたえ　ない　なあああ。

2008-07-08T21:47:00.003+08:00

Wee hee I'm back and kicking! lol, anw I changed my url. YES, FINALLY MADE A SO SOPHISTICATED NAME EVEN I HAVE TROUBLE WRITING IT XD

http://www.un-emoistical-me.blogspot.com

I wanted to put emo, but didn't want to really be emo, so I put the un. Then, I wanted to make it different so I made emo to emoistical. You'll get used to spelling this xD

Today Piggy struck a question at me which made me go all "huh?" She asked me, "Are you straight?" SCARYY~~ Seriously okay, I'm straight. I have no intention to change my body, I LOVE my boobs and I absolutely love my eggs, menses etc etc. It's funny to say but I really do love my woman body, so yeah xD

Alvin is just this guy I invented. It's me, in another sex. It's total imagination, I would go "what would I do if I was a boy?" And that would be Alvin. That's it!!! But I am straight, there's no girl I've ever felt high over and there's no hot guy I couldn't drool over xD True I said this girl that girl is hot and all, but I don't have that "crushy" feeling. It's just, oh she's pretty. JUST THAT xD

I don't know why but it really pissed me off... xDD

わからない　ですけど、あの　人　は、僕　は　もう　わかんないよ！みんな　は、僕　は　ほんとうに　わかんない　よ。僕　ね、ずっと　ずっと　まもりたい　だけと　あの　人　は、僕　の　こと　が　信じられない　なあ。。。どうすれば　いい　な。。。僕　ほんとうに　まもりたい、だから　みんあ、あたし　が　信じて　いい　よ。。。ほんとうに　いいよ。。。　それ　だっけ。。

my message to people who can read it. I really wanna say it, but instead I wrote it in Japanese, there are only so few kanjis I use which I know. And my Japanese honestly sucks, so just randomly scramble my words until they make sense xD

みにぇんたち　へ、ごめんなさい。　僕　は　まだ　まだ　かんぺっき　だから、　めって　ね。いえない　言　が　ある　です　けど、if you ask I'll tell you.
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Now playing: KAT-TUN - someday for somebody
via FoxyTunes

2008-07-03T21:10:00.002+08:00

woohoo I'm back! ok let's do a bit of blogging work...

Dini: Lol, hahahaha let's call you tt from now on! muhahaha!!
Tako: lol, hehe ripping is not illegal okays! xD haha oops psps, I really hate those people sia. Say as if no one listening like that.
DanDan: lol okok, will do. hahaha cannot blame you mah, PIG!!! xD just hope you can survive from Hammy's death sentence!!! haha

I'm back to being.... angry! What the hell is wrong with my mood swings. I'm not having menses, yet I'm having mood swings =.=" Now I'm angry!!! Roar!!! Scary me!! Grrr!!! lol

Angry to who? Me. Stupid lah! I don't know what's wrong with me. Is it just me or is it called "Seishun"? What the fish larhs! I'm angry at myself for pretty much, EVERY LITTLE THING! Although that's good as I'm not venting using others xD, unlike some adults la. You know who they are. People who scold you just so they could release their stress.

I wish someone can teach me to be perfect. That's what I want to be. Oh well, but I can't XD I rely too much on others, I hurt myself in order to not hurt myself (this I have no idea 0.o), I see people as incompetent in helping me or gaining my trust, I look at myself alone when there are so many ppl willing to be with me. *sigh* Let's not care anymore! For tonight, I don't wanna care! Yosh, I'm going to be that optimistic person I know last week! Yosh, I can't be perfect when I gloom all the time, right? Okay!

Today was.... too normal! haha, well first was PE. Fun, damn fun. Did a bit of badminton, a lot of watching XD Mr Rani challenged Jaslyn, ShiroUsa who Soo Ping called "Violent Girl" from her smacks! xD Her smacks are really damn powerful sia, she hit, got sound and can go like... 7m?? But she can't beat the unbeatable Mr Rani xD

then after tt was maths, I'm going to seriously die sia!!! Never study and all, lol! Then after maths, I do malay xD haha, but couldn't finished and was sent out to class. I don't really mind since I sort of deserved it, like, who wouldn't be angry when you've given work from Monday and to be handed on Thursday, yet it's not done? Then recess, nothing in particular...

Then EL and POA. both are boring. Nothing really. After that I go and waste some time, and go Tuff. Need to run 5.5km sia! Wtf!!! But then, Neko and her fren made it fun, so I didn't really mind, Although I'm tired like an old obaba now xD

Was fun since there were Neko, Pengy, Chandani and Neko's friend. Damn fun, but in the end we went home and continues our lives. woohoo =.=" lol.

2008-07-02T16:29:00.002+08:00

I still don't know what to change my blog name to xD heehee, absolute idea. I may want to change it to some emo url, but dunno la. zzzz been rlly emo-ing. why sia. I don't like it when people try to be emo, but who am I to say that when I myself emo?

EMO ALERT!
!totally irrevelant for people who don't care!

I don't know anymore. Everything's just so frustrating for me. I don't even know myself anymore. Why the hell would I cry over such simple things and feel nothing when such a huge impact happens? I don't understand myself anymore. One moment I'm angry at someone, and another I'm angry at myself coz I opened my big mouth and hurt someone else. I don't know what's wrong with me. If you do, then you're welcome to say it. I fucking don't know anymore.

I feel like I'm emotionally dysfunctional. Idiotic. Honestly, like I said I don't wanna trust anymore. But when I see people trusting me, I feel bad. How could I see them as future traitors when they see me as a Nakama? I feel really bad. I wanna talk about this but it takes me hell a long of time to actually put it into words.

I may been hated, I may be looked down upon. But I seriously hate myself when I look at others as people who might hurt me. Who am I to label such awful things at people? But no matter how much I hate myself doing it, I couldn't bring the courage to break down the barrier I've made between others. In that barrier is where I reveal who I really am. In that barrier is where my real life is. If that place is hurt, I'll be seriously hurt. I don't want that to happen anymore. I don't want to be betrayed anymore and scarred. I don't want to trust anymore.

Will I ever be able to trust someone and let him/her break this barrier without being scared?
Can I let it go and take the chances to get hurt?
Should I just give up on humanity and live on as a sinful girl?

I don't know.